Balls on Fire

Dr. Teeth / You Can't Handle the Tooth: Gets fucked by the unlucky.

2011-04-05T00:50:00.000-07:00

As I said to Dr. Buyshop, we were Barcelona and they were Internazionale Milan in last year's Champion's League Semi-Final. We dominated possession and must of out-shot them, at the very least, 15-3. We were the better team. Still...they won 1-0. Enjoy your futbol.

Hear Deuce Roar!

2010-01-05T23:07:00.000-08:00

That's right fans of The Deuce, Clint Dempsey scored a bomb for Fulham this evening. After coming on as a sub in the 52nd minute, Dempsey crushed a volley from 35 yards out which dipped over the top of the hapless Stoke city 'keeper. The part-time rapper followed his strike with his customary "I'm pissed off and Awesome" victory sprint. Do that shit in the World Cup motherfucker.

Enjoy your Deuce.

Bryce Loves Freddy Adu

2010-01-03T13:38:00.001-08:00

But poor Freddy has, like, the worst career ever! It's so sad, and Bryce can hardly take it.

My solution to everything: the Sounders sign Adu. Yes!

Tim Tebow makes Lucifer a better man

2010-01-02T00:33:00.000-08:00

Today, my friends, was the final game at Florida for our fearless hero, Tim Tebow. In tonight's Sugar bowl, he threw for nearly 500 yards and completed 150% of his passes. Damn it, he is good. Given that all the football smart guy's like Mel Kiper and the rest of the weirdos who watch football 27 hours a day say he can't be a quarterback in the NFL, the University of Florida have made an unprecedented move. They have named Tim Tebow as there alumni quarterback. They are going to pay him 27 million dollars a year to throw passes during the halftime of all Florida home games wearing nothing but that black tape under his eyes that displays his favorite bible verse of the day.

Enjoy your Football.

Landon Donavon hits the Prem

2009-12-23T21:15:00.000-08:00

Come on Landy, don't be afraid of European football. You scored against Brazil in a major cup final. Oh, come on, the Confederations Cup was a major final. Fuck you. I got your back Landy. Eventhough your wife decided to show you who's boss after you hooked up with a German model by hooking up with the two-time shagger of the year, Russell Brand, you prevailed. Well, you didn't totally prevail given that your wife hooked up with the fucking two-time shagger of the fucking year... But we'd still love to see you get some balls by playing in England and then hoist a World Cup trophy over your head so I can cry myself to sleep.

Enjoy your futbol.

hello my loyal followers

2009-12-23T19:22:00.000-08:00

I bid you greetings from the heartland. I've attended church. I've tamed wild dogs. I've made mobile sculptures.

Enjoy your futbol.

"Teen Wolf" Retires from MLS

2009-11-24T15:41:00.001-08:00

Poor Ben Olsen. He played for 11 years in MLS and grew great facial hair. He battled for 37 caps for the USMNT and 221 games for DC United. He endured Nick yelling at him to get healthy with good humor when DC played Seattle in the regular season.

But he didn't listen. His ankles have given up and so has he. Farewell, Ben Olsen. Stay goofy.

Soccer Brawl Fail

2009-11-23T15:59:00.000-08:00

[via Failblog]

Sounders FC Expansion Draft List

2009-11-23T12:25:00.000-08:00

This is the list of players that Seattle will protect from the Philadelphia Union in the upcoming (Wed) MLS expansion draft:

Alonso, Osvaldo
Evans, Brad
Gonzalez, Leo
Hurtado, Jhon Kennedy
Ianni, Patrick
Jaqua, Nate
Keller, Kasey
Ljungberg, Freddie
Marshall, Tyrone
Montero, Fredy
Zakuani, Steve

The Union can only steal one player from any given team. (Apparently, Sounders management were confused about the rules as they apply to designated players and almost left Freddie Ljungberg unprotected!) My question is, what about James Riley?

"The Predator" Captains Real Salt Lake to MLS Championship

2009-11-23T12:06:00.000-08:00

Seriously, doesn't anyone else see the resemblance?

Thierry Henry is a cheating bitch.

2009-11-19T13:15:00.000-08:00

No big deal. Players just work their ass off for their whole life to get to the World Cup.

And this fucking douche blames it on the Ref for not making the call.

In that case, everybody should cheat at everything until they get caught.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9OiWTFg1-zo

Snake CEO is exposed!

2009-11-17T13:04:00.000-08:00

Who's the donkey now?

2009-11-17T12:56:00.000-08:00

Nick, you're the donkey.

No, seriously, they're not dating...seriously, they're not.

2009-11-17T12:49:00.001-08:00

bumblin' pudgy

2009-11-17T12:14:00.000-08:00

I thought this might be a good way to get this bitch re-hatched for the love of god.

Snake, you still breakdancin' off the coast of France?

Snafu, you still ass slappin' with your best friend Lance?

I thought so.

Enjoy your futbol.

p.s.

Freddie totally responded to Janet's blog post. He totally responded. Totally. Freddie loves Janet. You better fucking believe it.

Snake CEO v. Mrs. Madame Lady Woman

2007-06-26T16:54:00.000-07:00

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! Come one, Come all!! Come see the mighty Snake CEO defend his title as the greatest Greco-Roman Woman Wrastler of all time as he takes on the #1 ranked contender represeting the Women of the World!!!

It'll be a fight to the death.....seriously....Snake CEO is going to bring a samurai sword and a stick of dynamite!

Crazy Brain

2007-05-21T01:14:00.000-07:00

Stewpot. Unassuming, bicycle-riding, soccer-playing, waterfront-living, office guy secretary dude.

With a crazy brain!

Seriously, anyone who reads this blog (all four of you) should have a re-read of Nicolai's latest posts. Each one is the carefully crafted product of a fevered imagination, a strange genius--a raving lunatic. I've never read such incredible stuff. Really, this is a blog entry of pure appreciation. Especially since he is--in person and to all appearances--a totally normal dude.

Nickleson, It must take an incredible amount of effort to keep a constant lid on that crazy brain of yours during the day. You're like some kind of superhero. Bravo, sir, bravo.

ThOsE sTePs ArE pAiNtEd

2007-05-13T12:50:00.000-07:00

while watching "meet the fockers" last night, I saw the golden light of heaven...

those steps are painted....

the top of the steps were painted, only the top (and to use a word that's over-used) it looked GLORIOUS....

my days as the jack-ass of the neighborhood are soon to end...

happiness abounds.

enjoy your futbol.

An Open Letter to Nick Stewart

2007-05-11T23:27:00.000-07:00

Dear Nick,

Why don't you love me anymore? You used to love me all day and all night. Now you don't love me even a little. I know we've had some hard times baby, but I never stopped loving you. Not even for a second. I know I can make you love me again, you've just got to give me a chance. Put the hate away, lock it up in a little box and throw away the key. There, don't you feel better? I know I do. Mmmm, that's much better. I'm going to love you long time.

Jake

lonely planet

2007-05-05T13:33:00.000-07:00

Hello. Is their anybody out there? Just tell me if you can hear me. Is there anyone at home?

Friends,

I write to you today to tell you I am saddened by the lack of posts on ballz on fire.

Snake CEO has been hard at work demolishing homes far and wide across greater King County. Seen a good Godzilla movie lately? Snake is his own version of a large stinky monster stomping on buildings all over town. Way to destroy the infrastructure, slimy.

Snafu has been hard at work painting his room in lovely pastel colors that are turning normally energetic people into lazy sleepy bed time story readers.

Meat.Loaf continues her ongoing search for the perfect porn movie. Shocking. Those of us from the great state of Indiana do not approve.

Stinka's been all across the country in search of the perfect blond hippie surfer boy to make out with only to tackle the poor boy moments later. "Surfing's not just a sport, it's a way of life. It's about looking that wave in the eye and saying 'hey bud, let's party', hey, where'd you get that jacket?"

Ginny pop is throwing in a huge dip so that he can "lay down the law" as manager of the professional sporting outfit known as Fauns Beard FC. He's committed to commitment.

Meanwhile, poor trickle is sad and lonely eyed.

happiness does not abound.

Midnight Madness

2007-04-28T19:30:00.000-07:00

Midnight Madness, it's gonna get to you. It doesn't matter what you say. It doesn't matter what you do, you're gonna play.

Man Utd v. Chelsea - FA Cup Final

2007-04-15T23:07:00.000-07:00

Oh my, this is going to be freak nasty.

happiness abounds.

Poop Covered Wax Ring

2007-04-15T14:39:00.000-07:00

In a related story, Snake and Snafu are expecting a child...Snafu is hard at work designing the perfect little nursery...

happiness abounds.

1 year, 9.5 months to go...

2007-04-09T15:35:00.001-07:00

Random soccer baby sez: "Bring em on"

God bless the City of Olympia - I am signing our little one up as soon as she can walk:

Mommy/Daddy & Me Soccer Ages: 2 - 3½
Brace yourself and your toddler for the “World’s Most Popular Game!” As you and your child participate in our fun age-appropriate activities, your child will be developing their large motor skills and socialization skills. The fun happens on the field, and in Mommy/Daddy & Me Soccer, you won’t have to watch from the sidelines!

I hope slide tackling is 'age-appropriate'. Also beer and screaming at the other fathers.

And gentlemen in England now-a-bed
Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day
In Mommy/Daddy and Me Soccer.

You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to...

2007-04-07T08:53:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I'm listening to NPR on Saturday morning and pre-car talk they have this piece on about what's hot in Kenyan music (of course!). Apparently "hip" Kenyan 20 somethings who run the radio stations across the country, which all the Kenyan kiddos are glued to, LOVE KENNY ROGERS. In fact, they're into anything that came out of Nashville in the late 70's/early 80's... yes, that means Crystal Gail folks. They love her. Apparently a whole Kenyan country music movement is burgeoning all because of this radio play.

Oddly perfect.

rowdy roddy piper

2007-04-03T23:24:00.000-07:00

fucking hell. let's get some futbol writing back in this bitch.

Liverpool defeats PSV Suckhoven 3-0.

Steve Gerrard is the best player in the world.

John Arne Riise cracked a ridiculous goal...he brings the ball down with his chest and hits a bomb half volley from 40...Eindhoven was silent and many resin balls went up in smoke in cafes all across town.

Holy shit that tall skinny stick figure boy can play.

Patrick Kluivert subs in late to fall over the ball a few times, foul half of Liverpool and look just a few years away from 65.

the end.

enjoy your futbol.

happiness abounds.

Maybe we should move to Virgina

2007-04-01T10:13:00.000-07:00

This little bit of genius was found inside a WA State government building. Enjoy.

oh and....

2007-03-31T00:26:00.000-07:00

Stinka decides to just randomly reveal to us that she's a genius writer and has won somewhere in the neighborhood of 1533 awards for writing people's faces off...and she's not contributing anything to the blog...

SnakeCEO, what kind of horseshit outfit are your runnin?

Snake will only respond with: "I'd never hurt a fly and I'm awesome...

or how his lover Yosh likes to say: "Oh Jake can run his little blog anyway he wants, I support my husband in any endeavor." Once again, happiness abounds.

Trust me Colin, you'll like this

2007-03-30T14:33:00.000-07:00

In another story that seems sports-related but is actually about female genitalia, the West Virginia men's basketball team recently won the NIT (the poor man's NCAA tournament). Here's how the NIT printed the school's name on its championship t-shirts (look closely):

Take Note, Faun's Beard

2007-03-29T09:14:00.000-07:00

Again, I know this is no longer a soccer blog, but c'mon, this story is fantastic. Details are emerging about the all-night party the Czech Republic team threw following their 2-1 loss to Germany last week in a Euro 2008 qualifier.

Turns out six of the players were getting rowdy with six prostitutes in their hotel room. Three of the players are married. One of them, Arsenal star Tomas Rosicky, has a very pissed off girlfriend. How were the players' infidelities uncovered? A female journalist--who had ventured to their hotel room in search of autographs--was allowed to hang out and watch the whole thing.

Now that's professionalism, Josh!

Nice going

2007-03-25T12:26:00.000-07:00

I know this is no longer really a soccer blog, but I had to post this anyway. Landon Donovan scored a hat trick today to lead the U.S. to a 3-1 over Ecuador in an international friendly. This ends an 18-game scoreless streak for Donovan in international play (including all of last year's World Cup). Good to know he can score when it really counts. Oh wait ...

Which Wide Web?

2007-03-21T16:55:00.000-07:00

I just saw a commercial for eharmony.com, the dating site operated (clandestinely) by right-wing religious types. And they were showing (as is their advertising staple) one of the couples who met on the site. And the guy said he was skeptical of any dating service "on an Internet," but eharmony.com won him over. Is there more than one Internet and I'm only now hearing about it?

Introducing Seattle's Newest Homowners

2007-03-16T20:57:00.000-07:00

...the saga continues

2007-03-16T20:55:00.000-07:00

Meet Frankie Carbone

2007-03-15T14:57:00.001-07:00

A new day, a new issue. Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to introduce to you, again, Frankie Carbone (Part 2)!

Ever wonder...

2007-03-15T01:09:00.000-07:00

what we do behind closed doors. Now ya know.

why can't i comment on frankie carbone?

2007-03-14T20:25:00.001-07:00

and what happened to the band with the same name?

You Can't Go Home Again Because Your Teeth are Goofy and You Have a Bubble-Wrap Hat

2007-03-14T16:28:00.000-07:00

Blam-O! No longer is this blog the exclusive province of Jake and I when it comes to ridiculous photographic representations of our personages! Take that prodigal daughter!

(P.S. meat, let's be friends again...)

Meet Frankie Carbone

2007-03-14T15:30:00.000-07:00

When I was in college, I aspired to a one-panel cartoon in the school newspaper. It was to be called Meet Frankie Carbone and it was to be glorious. I even made several sketches in case the paper called me up and asked me to fill in for one of their regulars.

Alas, I was never called up and the sketches are gone. Luckily the spirit remains and there exists an even better venue for what many consider to be my most personal and endearing work. Where, you ask? The Balls on Fire blog! Thus, I give you part one in a continuing series. World, meet Frankie Carbone (Part 1)!

Lover's Package

2007-03-14T13:29:00.000-07:00

Well as the days get closer and closer to a possible sale, the Lover's Package is almost a reality. "What's the Lover's Package?" you might ask. Well fret not, I am here to tell you. The Lover's Package is the official legal name of the sale of the house that Snake and B.M. are buying together. It's listed as such on every legal document. Thus, not only making it an aspirational reality, but a legal one too. We must have you over for drinks sometime, just look for the yellow house and the door mat that says 'Back Door Guests are the Best.' Lover's Package hurray!

'Nuff Said

2007-03-06T17:43:00.000-08:00

oh, i get it...

2007-03-04T20:31:00.000-08:00

this must be the blog where people post absurd pictures of my brother.

the second being a testament to the "ladies man" claim.

Pint Sized Shit-Zoo

2007-03-02T14:19:00.000-08:00

rage, rampid, raucous, ready-to-eat, real salt lake?, rick steves, right on, root, ride, rep.

You can't go home again. You just can't.

2007-03-02T00:02:00.000-08:00

Way to make the place nice (and unrecognizable) while I was out at sea.

This Was Going to Just Be a Comment...

2007-02-28T02:13:00.000-08:00

...but those picture labels just cut too deep to bury what I have to say.

I mean, how is wearing a tank top, cut-off jean shorts, a headband, and glasses with no lenses cross-dressing? Really, that's just good fashion sense.

holy shit balls is pimped!

2007-02-27T14:34:00.000-08:00

who's the mastermind behind this caper??

Movie review: Red Heat

2007-02-27T14:17:00.000-08:00

Thumbs up to:

--Smart-alecky James Belushi in one of his finest roles.
--Arnold ripping a dude's wooden leg off.
--Naked Russian ladies in the steam room.

Thumbs down to:

--Arnold playing it too serious to deliver any amazing catchphrases like, "I'll be back" (Terminator), "Killian! I'll be back" (Running Man) or "I'll be back" (Total Recall). Also would have accepted, "It's not a tumor!"
--Naked (mostly) Russian dudes in the steam room.

Verdict: 8 stars (out of five)

Untitled

2007-02-27T12:50:00.000-08:00

I've been practicing a loooong time, and I've been waiting for you...

Since I'm doing nothing else

2007-02-26T15:24:00.000-08:00

I'll add another post (that's three today). I'm watching Red Heat and, even though I'm only two minutes in and haven't gotten to the opening credits yet, I can already say that this is my favorite movie of all time. It begins with a bunch of enormous Russian dudes wearing nothing but loincloths pumping iron inside what looks like a Turkish bath. Meanwhile, totally naked sexy Russian ladies swim around. Co-ed steam rooms--I didn't realize the Soviet Union was so progressive. Thanks a lot, Reagan. Anyway, for some reason Arnold Schwarzenegger just punched some fat guy who looks Hawaiian through a window and into the snow. Then he tumbled out the window with some other huge dude. So now the three of them are fighting in the snow in their loincloths. And the sound effects are amazing--each punch sounds like a tree splitting in half. That's as much as I've seen, but it's incredible and I expect it to only get better from here. I mean, we haven't even gotten to James Belushi yet.

By the way, I love the people who write their own reviews on Netflix and trash movies like Red Heat because the acting is bad, the cinematography is uninspired or the plot is unrealistic. What, exactly, were they expecting from a movie staring Arnold and Jimmy Belushi as mismatched cops from opposite sides of the Iron Curtain who must reluctantly team up to catch a drug lord who escapes from prison in the USSR and makes for Chicago, all the while realizing that maybe they're not so different and that there is hope for peace and understanding between our nations after all? Of course, I'm just guessing that's what happens, since I haven't watched the whole thing yet. But having seen Dragnet, Turner & Hooch, Running Scared, Beverly Hills Cop, 48 HRS, Lethal Weapon and Tango & Cash, I'm pretty confident.

Oh my god, Arnold just ripped off some guy's wooden leg and busted it open to reveal the cocaine hidden inside. I gotta go.

The stuff of nightmares

2007-02-26T11:07:00.000-08:00

What does it mean?

2007-02-26T10:49:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning early, about 6:30am, and I had been having this crazy dream. I was playing indoor soccer against Barry from EastEnders. But, instead of playing with a ball, I had to intercept a CD that Barry was trying to throw to a teammate. Which, I did. Then I raced down the field and stuck it into a boombox. I didn't recognize the music. End of show.

BREAKING NEWS: Jake Jewsoegberg is Jewish!

2007-02-25T12:59:00.000-08:00

However, he will never see the light of day in a Jewish cemetary because he has shot dirty ink into his skin that will never be gone ever ever or ever!

the next great novel

2007-02-24T13:34:00.000-08:00

let the eagles soar.

from rocky coast, to the golden shore.

hello dear friends, because I care for you as I do my totally rad killer Jeep (have you seen my Jeep? It totally kicks the shit out of Jake's compact station wagon (hey Jake, drive the kids to soccer practice much?)), I will now enlighten you with literary acumen.

Four score and seven years ago it was 1920. What does this mean, you ask? Nothing. I just know that none of you (except maybe Snafu) would know what 'Four score and seven years ago' means...and don't even try to tell me it has something to do with Chairman Lincoln's Getty's land address...and fuck you for thinking that.

My point: you are all stupid-meat-wagon-muscle-bound-bald-balding-balder-mutton chop wearing-idiot face having-under masculine-monkey people.

It is time to cry havoc and set free the dogs of war.

I've been sick as a dog for 2 years now and if I have to watch another episode of Seinfeld or fucking Sportscenter, I'm going to swim to Bainbridge Island like the little dolphin boy that I am. (note: I suck at swimming like Ginny does at bike riding to Vancouver and would probably turn back after 10 feet)

Time: present day.

Place: a roadside gas station in the desert.

boy #1: what are you looking at, sir?

(pause)

man #1: your stupid face, son. (pause) I wonder if you could provide me with a bit of information that would assist me with my travels?

boy #1: I'll try, sir. (pause) I been reading books since I was younger.

man #1: Reading books since you was younger? what the fuck hell does that mean?

boy #1: well, sir, I...

man #1: (quietly) son, do me and god and his son and his green pasture a favor and get me a map so I can get on my way to salvation.

boy #1: (pulls map out of his shirt pocket) here you go, sir.

man #1: (pulls out his wallet out of his shirt pocket) how much do I owe you?

boy #1: nothing sir, this one's on me.

man #1: oh. well I was planning on kicking you in the head for it.

(pause)

boy #1: nothing sir, this one's on me.

man #1: fuck.

boy #1: fuck?

man #1: fuck.

boy #1: fuck? what do you mean, sir?

(man #1 kicks boy#1 in the head. boy #1 falls to the ground.)

man #1: that's it. It had to end somehow.

(man #1 walks on his way to salvation.)

The End

I love you.

Hey you all...

2007-02-18T22:46:00.001-08:00

Does anyone else's beard hurt? I've got beardruff galore. I need the cure, dear Lord do I need the cure.

Turns Out, I'm the Asshole

2007-02-16T17:27:00.000-08:00

Maybe it's the incredible beating we take each Thursday. Maybe it's the lack of players. Or the amount of running with minimal--actually, no--no reward. Just punishment. It's cold out and my legs hurt and I just want to sit at home and eat some queso.

We're not unsung heroes. We're 90-pound weaklings. And I'm sick of getting dirt kicked in my face.

And so it was last night, when I was asked to leave a soccer game for the second time in my life. Am I proud of myself? Maybe a little. It sure felt good. Nothing like throwing a guy to the ground to work out a little pent out aggression. Besides taking off your Oakland Raiders belly-baring sweatshirt and pumping iron in the dark in tight acid-washed jeans as the sweat pours out of your luxuriously thick mullet and glistens on your giant, barabarian chest while your beautiful neighbor sits smoking and listening on the other side of the wall, smiling seductively at the primal sounds of you pumping a literal ton of iron. Of course.

I'll say it since no one else has

2007-02-14T19:57:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day, you dirty pig fuckers.

Reputed Ladies Man Reveals Himself a Boy

2007-02-14T12:46:00.000-08:00

Many onlookers left the Luau last night disappointed, as reputed ladies man Bishop MacNamara failed to close the deal with an interested party. Said party was in fact a native Kansan woman who, according to several eyewitnesses, expressed definite interest in the notorious blogger and nanotechnologist MacNamara.

MacNamara attributes his presence at the Luau to a "shellacking" taken in Faun's Beard's weekly game. The sometime film actor and several teammates had retreated to the bar to drown their sorrows and, it turned out, take comfort in the lyrics of the also notorious B.I.G.

The lady in question is claimed to have initiated the encounter with a steathly approach to the open bar behind MacNamara, where she first addressed the group while waiting for her drinks. Reports have GinthMisterGrandeMax, fellow blogger (kind of), making nonsensical remarks, forcing the woman to take sanctuary in MacNamara's conversational sanity before retreating to her table.

MacNamara, all-around superstar, was presented with a second opportunity to close the deal when the woman returned to the bar slightly before midnight to close her tab. Despite several minutes in close proximity with the lady and the impending start of Valentine's Day, the generally talented MacNamara nonetheless failed to obtain a phone number, all to the great disbelief of his companions.

"She was hurting for a squirting" was the crude observation of one of Bishop MacNamara's teammates who was present during the encounters. MacNamara himself was made visibly uncomfortable by this statement.

In the end, the ladies man rep garnered by part-time model MacNamara has suffered a blow thanks to his boyish lack of cojones. Fellow blogger (kind of) Dick Trickle was heard to say, "grow a pair, jerkwad." Which pretty much sums it up.

who are you people...

2007-02-13T11:33:00.001-08:00

and what is all this crap?

Nerds of the world come into their own.

2007-01-31T12:01:00.000-08:00

Last night as I drank a fine brandy from a snifter at the Chateau Marmont I overheard this, "It was like I was a level twenty wizard in a land of dwarves." Well, what can be said about that. So I raise my glass to you nerds, you've come a far way since your portrayal by Robert Carradine and Anthony Edwards. But seriously, keep that kind of talk to yourselves, some of us are trying to get laid.

Ouch

2007-01-29T14:34:00.000-08:00

I'll just post this story, as it really doesn't require much commentary:

A tattoo artist from Argentina is facing a lawsuit after drawing a penis on the back of an Argentinean football fan instead of his favorite team's official logo.
Reports said the teenager approached the tattoo artist and asked him to tattoo the logo of the Boca Junior football team on his back.
However, the tattooist was an avid supporter of the rival team and decided to play a prank on his young customer.
After reaching home, the victim proudly showed his parents his new tattoo and was surprised to learn that a penis was tattooed on his back.
According to Argentina's Terra newspaper, the victim said, "I could not see what he was tattooing because he didn't have a mirror. I only saw it when I got home and showed it to my parents."
A police spokesperson added, "The tattooist supports Boca Junior's rival, River Plate, so he got annoyed when the teenager asked him to tattoo Boca's symbol and decided to tattoo a penis instead. Unbelievable!"

Nick and Josh are Friends

2007-01-15T23:37:00.000-08:00

Sure, they haven't seen each other for a month of Sundays, but here is photographic evidence that these two up-and-comers are indeed best buds. It's enough to make a starlet swoon.

Let's hope they find time for each again soon because--God dammit--they're too good-looking not to be seen together.

New Year, New Life

2007-01-07T14:58:00.000-08:00

Balls on Fire, ignite!

I, of all people, know the blog has fallen on hard times, but let me be the first to transfuse a little bit of fresh enthusiasm into the old wardog. I mean, Google has unveiled a new version of Blogger itself (Jake, switch us over) and if that's not a portent of new, exciting times here at Balls on Fire, then I don't know what is.

Happy New Year everyone! Rejoice, and let the blogging begin anew!

Love,
Bishop MacNamara

Happy Thanksgiving, Bitches!

2006-11-23T09:45:00.000-08:00

2006-11-23T00:17:00.000-08:00

Cars, Cardboard Cars.

On the mean streets of Seattle.

Are you there god?

2006-11-08T10:36:00.000-08:00

Now, Jesus knows I'm no true believer. Yet even I was given pause this morning, after the events of last night, to open up my shades and, for the first time in weeks, see the shining sun and blue skies. It's like peace has returned to the shire.

Can you say, "Cut and Run"?

2006-11-08T10:35:00.000-08:00

World's biggest pussy:

Another Reason Vermont Rocks

2006-11-07T23:57:00.000-08:00

Vermont's Senate race between Bernie Sanders (I) and Rich Tarrant (R-boo) was called by the Associated Press one minute after polls closed. Sanders' win was the first race called today.

Listen! Do you smell something? It's change, and Vermont's stepping in it.

Megan's laminated list

2006-11-05T15:21:00.000-08:00

Pauley Shore
Karl Malone
"Chunk"
Corey Feldman
"Booger"

Quick thought

2006-11-03T18:54:00.000-08:00

Where did the idea for the Icecapades come from? Who thought movies and musicals performed by people on iceskates was a good idea. Seriously, this makes no sense to me. And right now it's really bothering me.

I could not be happier about this

2006-11-03T13:17:00.000-08:00

From the New York Times:

The Rev. Ted Haggard, the former president of the National Association of Evangelicals and one of the nation’s most influential Christian leaders, admitted today that he had purchased the illegal drug methamphetamine from a gay escort in Denver, but denied that he ever had sex with the man.

Mr. Haggard resigned as president of the evangelical association and stepped aside as senior pastor of the New Life mega-church in Colorado Springs, Colo., on Thursday after Michael Forest Jones, a self-described former gay prostitute, accused him of having a sexual affair for three years and using the drug, commonly known as crystal meth, during those encounters.

Read the rest of this deliciousness.

From :( to :)

2006-10-27T18:50:00.000-07:00

Just a short one since everyone seems to be posting nowadays. I am facing a crisis of identity. After three years of dreading each (work) day, I have accepted a position as an assistant attorney general. This means that instead of representing greedy companies fighting with other greedy companies, I will now be representing the interests of the Washington Department of Fish and Wildlife as well as the Washington State Parks.

All of this happened in a pretty short time, and as a result, I am in a period of transition. One of those moments where I have escaped my entrenched mindset and find myself free to consider life from a step back.

The reason for this post is just to remind everyone that they are the fascist dictator of a tiny little country called you land and each day has the potential to see your rebel forces fight to give freedom to your oppressed people. Viva.

P.S. I was going to change my monicker to "Workin Really Hard" but I can't figure out how.

Jake Likes Vermont Too Much

2006-10-27T15:29:00.000-07:00

Seriously, the guy's been gone for weeks. The people want to know: When will Jake return? It better be triumphant AND glorious.

German Invasion?

2006-10-26T19:05:00.000-07:00

As many have speculated, and many others (me included) have hoped, the U.S. Soccer Federation is in talks with Jurgen Klinsmann about his becoming the next coach of the national team. Klinsmann might soon be doing his sissy, prancing girl dance on America's sidelines.

This is a real ad in Colorado

2006-10-26T10:48:00.000-07:00

I hope you're writing this down

2006-10-26T07:18:00.000-07:00

I know you've all been waiting for it, so here, at long last, is my Christmas list. Please make sure to coordinate so that I get at least one of everything.

Xbox 360 or Playstation 3, whichever is awesomer. Also, I'll need all the heli-cool games.
Condo, minimum of 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms. Preferably in Capital Hill.
Mac laptop, to replace the crappy Dell I'm writing on right now.
Some fleece shirts, dark colors only.
Flintstones chewable Prozac.
Jeans that fit right.
Good books.
Movie star good looks.
The size, speed and ability to play for Manchester United.
Arrested Development brought back for season four.
The Simpsons canceled before we forget how good it once was.
All the girls on My Super Sweet 16 sterilized and forced to work hard labor. Their parents arrested for child abuse.
A few days off.
A Democratic sweep of the House and Senate that is not followed by the Dems immediately fucking it up with sex scandals, corruption, incompetence or arrogance.
A panel of psychologists/psychiatrists/analysts/therapists/analrapists from Vienna to figure out what's wrong with me.
World peace or, if world peace is not available, an end to the war in Iraq.

More to come ...

What's grosser than gross?

2006-10-23T22:07:00.000-07:00

By The Associated Press

TACOMA, Wash. -- A Spanaway man believed to be the first person in the state charged under Washington's new bestiality law bailed out of the Pierce County Jail this morning.

Pierce County prosecutors say 26-year-old Michael Patrick McPhail was caught by his wife on Wednesday night having intercourse on the back porch with their four-year-old female pit bull terrier. The wife took photos with a cell phone and called police.

Pierce County sheriff's spokesman Ed Troyer says "There's pretty clear proof what happened to this dog." McPhail was arrested that night. Charged with animal cruelty, he could be sentenced to a year in jail ifconvicted.

The bestiality law took effect in June. It was prompted by an incident in Enumclaw where a man died after having sex with a horse.

2006-10-16T18:20:00.000-07:00

Will Ferrell Earth To America

(I'm posting this b/c Kris couldn't figure out how to.)

i'm going to have to change my name

2006-10-06T04:11:00.000-07:00

i'm not going to lie, i have more trouble than i should finding the button to click to create a post, though it's probably stopped me from making some drunken posts that would have reflected bad on my repuatation.

last few days in thailand and i'm going to make a list of things i've learned in thailand:

1. don't play connect 4 against hookers for money. they are litterally unbeatable, and they hustle you. i was in a bar at about 4 in the mornign and i'd talked all the rubish i had to talk, so we started playing connect 4, splitting the games about evenly. then she said 20 baht (50 cents) a game. i got hustled, i finally quit after 10 games, down 200 baht and have never done it again, ok that's a lie but i didn't let it get to 200 baht. it's kinda like that rule that the guy in that movie had about not playing poker w/someone who has a city for a first name, don't remember the movie.

2. don't get tattoos in a bathroom of a shady karoake bar full of hookers, you'll regret it in the morning, or if it is morning, you'll regret it when you sober up. ok, that was all a lie, do get tattoos in a shady karoake becuase you don't regret them in the morning. you regret not getting more. not going to go into too much detail on this now, the boy is still in the dark here so i'll post the pictures in due time.

3. the hose is the best invention ever, not just in the toilet industry, ever.

4. other than that, i don't think i've learned much so i'm going to talk a little more about hookers. going to the go-go bars and watching how competitive and manipulative the hookers are is amazing. if i go, i go w/people my age and the hookers see that we're not really there to bone them so they pretty much stay away, and head towards the fat europeans. these girls are truly pros. but they also try their best to steal each other's catch, it's tough to describe but good to watch anyway.

5. another one, if you're still awake at 7 in the morning, don't ride the garbage truck when it comes around, i made the mistake of doing this one time. ended up cleaning up some garbage and sharing my beer with the other garbage men, eventually they had had enough of me and told me to go over there now, not too close to where i started. and then it gets addicting, every time it's 7 in the morning and the garbage truck comes around you gotta jump back on, i'd say i've done it 4 times since and it doesn't get any better, it just looks so inviting with those handles on the back.

- that's probably enough for now, when i learn some more stuff, i'll let you know.

Aaaaaargh!

2006-10-04T13:29:00.000-07:00

I am so sick of working! Goddammitcocksuckersonofabitchfuckfaceshitheadasshole.

We'll Fuck You Up

2006-10-04T13:25:00.000-07:00

18+ Dance Party

2006-09-29T15:44:00.000-07:00

Alright y'all. Just wanted to give everyone out there a heads up. If you expect to hang with me and Christina at the next totally sweet dance party, there are some expectations to be met. The video below is for instructional purposes, you know, to outline the parameters of those expectations.

Look What Nick Did!

2006-09-27T17:04:00.000-07:00

And we thought he was useless! Read about how Nick mapped the mouse brain.

How's Your Face, Mr. Bush?

2006-09-27T11:32:00.000-07:00

Wow, check this video out, an MSNBC editorial from Keith Olbermann. Pretty heavy-hitting.

To catch up those who've ignored the political press the last few days: Clinton appeared on Fox News last Friday and was sandbagged with the accusation that he let 9/11 happen because he was distracted by Monica Lewinsky. He got mad and--can you believe his nerve?--told the truth. Which is: He tried to warn the Bush Administration that Osama Bin Laden was determined to attack on American soil and was ignored. Now the right-wing press is not only blaming him for 9/11, but is also trying to ridicule him for his "outburst" on Friday as he defended himself from these false accusations.

So good ol' Olbermann has backed Clinton's play and it's pretty awesome. So watch.

Rat Attack

2006-09-26T01:20:00.000-07:00

Yes, that is a rat. What's it doing, you ask? Nothing, just hanging out on the windshield of my car at a stoplight at 50th and Roosevelt. Turns out that Megan and I had driven most of the way home from Josh's totally unaware that that little fucker was stowed away on my car.

Thinking I would shoo him away, I put on the windshield wipers. This only succeeded in causing the rat to run up the passenger side of the windshield, sending Megan into conniptions. With the rat heading for the roof, Megan quickly slammed shut the panel to the sunroof. This was totally unnecessary, as the glass was already closed, but this was a panic situation and logic had nothing to do with it. The rat reemerged from the roof on the driver's side of the windshield, which almost led me to drive us off the road. He then scrambled back down over the hood and disappeared, presumably into the guts of my engine so he could chew on my car's expensive wiring.

Upon arriving at Megan's house, I sped down her street then slammed on the brakes, hoping to launch the rat out from its hiding place and into the road, where I could smush it up good. Two attempts at doing so yielded no signs of him. We then counted to 3 and simultaneously bolted from the car like two sissy girls. He was still nowhere to be found. So, after saying goodnight to Megan, I had the most skin-crawlingest ride home imaginable. And I now have a life time of public transportation and sleeping with the light on to look forward to.

I can honestly say, without hyperbole, that this was the worst thing that has ever happened, to anyone, ever, to anyone. And if anyone wants to buy a 2006 Mazda 3 with fewer than 5,000 miles on it, let me know.

Speaking of...Here's Some Sweet Revenge. Served Cold.

2006-09-25T17:42:00.000-07:00

Yeah, who's this girly girl? And is that Maradona on that manly man's t-shirt?

Public Statement

2006-09-21T14:19:00.000-07:00

I just want to take a moment here to say that I'm a little distressed by the large numbers of terrible, terrible pictures of myself being disseminated via the internet. Even if I am myself one of the disseminators. Or is it disseminaters...?

Enough! I command everyone to stop taking bad pictures of me. I will work on looking better. Meet me halfways, folks, that's all I'm asking.

Peace out.

Giving Kris a Run for His Money

2006-09-21T14:16:00.000-07:00

I have a pretty good friend who recently posted the following bulletin on MySpace. I read it and thought, wow, she and Kris are, like, grammatical soulmates! Enjoy.

why go into the city for some fuckface infested bs scene disco with shitty cloned out
music when u can come party with chill kids like us.......................................................
oyessir shame on us*** !!the land is very sleepy
but tonite a very special last minute dance party @ K + M
in bk off the bedford stop :

+siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick jamz + sci fi // japanime visheees ///---///
+david x baby x bear x hugzzz
+captain kenfriend omg 3k wow aka k k k magikmafia

playing 77 / death punk / no wave / cold wave / dark wave / top of the pops / disko class x / black metal / tweee / minimal / synth / experimental / techno / happy hardcore >>
+ u know like whatevurrr

tonite bass in your motherfucking face

@ k + m

225 N 8th St ( X = roebling )

dark o clock > forever

It's pretty awesome stuff.

worst coup ever

2006-09-21T01:30:00.000-07:00

i wish i had more to say but i really thought the overthrow of a government would be more exciting. school was cancelled for a day, i didn't know that until i'd got up at 6:45, had my huge cup of coffee and put on my darling, fairly-homosexual (not in the Josh way from the pictures) uniform and gotten breakfast only to realize i was one of about four people who hadn't gotten the message. that left me to playing video games for 6 hours instead of my usual 2 for the day.

no one has even mentioned it today, it's as if everyone knew except for whitey, the riot at university of maryland when they won the ncaa basketball championship was about 400 times more exciting. though just like when the tsunami happened i did end up getting a bunch of emails from people who never write so that was semi-exciting.

ok, quick new topic, espn asia is the worst channel in history. my only english channel abruptly switched from hbo to espn as it does sometimes. sportscenter is horrible but that's kinda expected, but all they do is replay epl games over and over. the arsenal-man u and chelsea-liverpool games have been shown twice a day since they happened. that's not counting the highlight shows. the only bright spot is they now have and1 on at 5. i hate to say this but if i only had one channel that i watched for all hours i was home, espn would be above the home shopping network and possibly pbs, probably not though. i end up watchign thai soap operas instead of it. there was bright spot, 2 baseball games on this morning and yesterday, both yankees games, the problem was, there were both a week old.

that's enough for now, i'm going to throw something at a tank and see if we can get some action going

god i smell, happy birthday boy, movies

2006-09-18T23:33:00.000-07:00

thanks to the boy for posting the picture, i don't have anymore tattoos as far as can remember but then again i can't see everywhere on my body, for all i know i got drunk and got another, we'll never know.

i never realized how cool lou ferrigno was, i guess he was before my time. i had the tv on, tuned to the only english station i get, hbo. and i heard some woman say something about sinbad, i happened to be on the pot at the moment so i was behind the tv and i thought she was talking about sinbad sinbad, of "First Kid" fame. so i rushed through my business only to see this ridiculously jacked white guy fighting wizards and what looked like the foot soldiers from teenage mutant ninja turtles. needless to say i sat through the whole movie, it was truly amazing and then saw on the credits that the guy was lou ferrigno, i had no idea i was viewing such talent. even Raekwon has a line about acting like "Lou Ferrigno on coke" so he must be important.

another movie that was truly excellent and is probably required viewing for anyone who's parents just got divorced, that means you boy, is Surburban Madness. I'm pretty sure it a lifetime movie.

and for any keannu reaves fans, we we just required to watch Little Buddha in Thai Civilization class and guess who gives another fantastic performance as the Lord Buddha, none other than Bill or Ted, i can't remember which one he was.

so if you have any free time check these out, well worth the money,

happy birthday boy

The World's Greatest Tattoo

2006-09-15T10:58:00.000-07:00

All hail my brother, possessor of the most fantastic tattoo ever conceived:

Why I'm Not Moving to Ballard

2006-09-12T23:20:00.000-07:00

Ever seen that weird looking Church next to the Paradox in Ballard? Turns out it's creepier than you ever could have imagined.

Oh, the pain!

2006-09-12T22:36:00.000-07:00

I know what you've been thinking Josh. You've been thinking, maybe Jake's too busy to post the photos of me in a skirt at the Rubik's Cube party. Perhaps it has slipped his mind, you hoped. Maybe I'll get away with it, you mused. Alas, I have merely been bidding my time, lying in the weeds, waiting for the opportune moment to strike, when your guard is down and my vile treachery will inflict the deepest wound. Now the moment is at hand. Have at you!

And just in case you're feebly considering posting the pictures of me in my red dress, I now do so myself, thus rendering you without riposte.

Jessica Alba's Naughty Fun Bags

2006-09-10T23:01:00.000-07:00

That got your attention, didn't it, you sick pervs. Tonight Megan asked me if I had posted to the blog this weekend. I said no. That made me sad. So I decided to post a transcript of our conversation. That was it. The word "no," I mean, that was the transcript. Sorry if that wasn't clear. In my defense, I'm composing this message while working and watching Fantastic Four. It sucks. Fantastic Four, I mean. I'm only a few minutes in and I can already tell it totally sucks. Josh probably liked it though. He likes everything. He's the opposite of Mikey from the Life cereal commercials. Wouldn't that be interesting, if Josh hated Life cereal? Weird. Getting back to Fantastic Four, who casts the guy from The Commish as a superhero? Now I've lost the plot of the movie, what with all the typing. All of a sudden they're on a spaceship and I'm not sure why. Are they astronauts? I thought they were white-collar business types. The inside of the spaceship looks like a set borrowed from the old Star Trek television show. I wish there some snakes on this plane. The only impressive props in the movie are Jessica Alba's ta-tas. Seriously, was this movie made in the '70s? Was the budget under $100,000? I think the studio spent more money promoting this turd than actually making it. I'm not sure that the special FX in this could be worse. I want to deliver a flying double-knee kick to the director's chest. Maybe I will. Also, the soundtrack is seriously pissing me off. It's the worst kind of annoying frat boy pop rock. This movie is none's the cool. OK, I'm tired of typing and this should be enough to satify your Balls on Fire fix. You're welcome. End communication.

Why I Love Bill Maher

2006-09-08T12:19:00.000-07:00

I love Bill Maher even more than I love Wayne Rooney, and it's not because he's hotter; neither of them are going to win any Chippendales sexy man meat contests. I love Bill because he writes shit like this about our mo of a president. (You'll have to sit through a short commercial for The Wire to read the full article, but it's worth it. Why? A) Because the article is hilarious. 2) Because The Wire is one of the best shows ever. And C) Just do what you're told.)

Why I Love Wayne Rooney

2006-09-08T08:59:00.000-07:00

Fresh off his ball-stompin' World Cup and earning a three game suspension in his very next match for an errant elbow, the Roonester is at it again. This time he punched Michael Gray, a star at EPL club Blackburn, in the face, giving him a black eye ... in a posh London restaurant. Fantastic.

American Politics

2006-09-07T14:43:00.000-07:00

So, I was reading up on the new Argentinian contigent at West Ham, looking to contribute quality soccer content to the blog, when I noticed the following banner ad:

I don't know which thing about it makes me feel worse:

That picture (insert appropriate onomatopoeia here).
That the incentive offered for clicking on the ad is a free dinner for two to the Olive Garden. Awesome!

I love America. Final word = yikes.

Getting Naked In Vermont

2006-09-04T21:34:00.000-07:00

"Nude teens taking it off and testing limits in bohemian Vermont town"

By LISA RATHKE
The Associated Press

BRATTLEBORO, Vt. – Public nudity isn't new to this bastion of bohemia, but it usually bares itself in more subtle places than the downtown parking lot. This summer, a group of teenagers has disrobed near restaurants, bookstores and the town's many galleries, igniting a debate about whether Brattleboro should ban a practice long tolerated until now.

"Brattleboro tends to be a laid-back town and pretty accepting of the unusual, but this is really pushing limits," said Police Chief John Martin. "It's clearly to outrage people, it's clearly rebelliousness."

By most accounts, the stripping started on a whim in early summer when a young woman sat naked on a park bench, Martin said. Then another woman started taking her shirt off downtown. A music festival promoting nudity and rebelliousness set up in May in a downtown parking lot attracted nude hula hoopers. Last month, a half dozen young people bared their bodies in a parking lot, encircled by the backs of bookstores, coffee shops and restaurants.

"It's just an act of freedom," said 19-year-old Adhi Palar. "We're just doing so because we can." Palar said he and the others "do not consider nakedness to be innately sexual or rude and it shouldn't be confined to that."

...."As soon as winter comes, there won't be a story anymore," said Town Clerk Annette Cappy.

To read the rest of this article, strip naked, then click here.

Crikey!

2006-09-04T01:19:00.000-07:00

Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter, was killed by a stingray today during a diving expedition. No word on whether or not he was trying to stick his thumb up its butthole.

I joke, but this news seriously bummed me out. Irwin was so goofy and earnest that you couldn't help but like him. Plus, he taunted man-eating animals at every possible opportunity. Yes, his movie was a travesty. But the Croc Hunter was a badass.

Which is why it's so hard to believe that his killer was a stingray. That is bullshit! No punk-ass stingray is worthy of killing the Croc Hunter. This guy deserved to go at the hands of nothing less than a croc; a shark; a giant, poisonous snake; a bear; a tiger; a lion; or some mythological creature that is one half one of those animals and one half one of the others. That's it, that's the list.

Anyway, here's to you Crocodile Hunter. You'll be sincerely missed.

Apache

2006-09-02T22:15:00.000-07:00

I'm totally stealing this from ESPN.com's Bill Simmons, but this is so good I had to share. Simmons has something called the Unintentional Comedy Scale. This video scored a 119 out of 100 on his scale, and for good reason.

Doings and Goings On

2006-08-31T14:05:00.000-07:00

I know you're never supposed to bury the lead, but allow me to say how pleasantly surprised I was to fire up the blog today and find a new post from Meat.Loaf (even if was a bunch of beefcake shots of Mr. Posh Spice). Perhaps Balls on Fire is finally over its post-World Cup hangover.

Having gotten that out of the way, here's the big football news from England:

Carlos Tevez, the young and supremely talented Argentine striker, is finally on his way to the EPL, as has long been anticipated. What no one saw coming, however, is that Tevez will be joining West Ham. West Ham! Not Chelsea or Manchester United or Arsenal, but West Ham! What's more, making the move to the Hammers with Tevez is his Argentine and Corinthians teammate Javier Mascherano. What the hell is going on here? This would be like waking up to find Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez had been traded to the Kansas City Royals.

In other news:

England international Jonathan Woodgate, who many of you fuckers saw play live a few weeks ago for Real Madrid, is making the move to his hometown club, Middlesbrough. Woodgate is undeniably talented, although he falls down and hurts himself more often than my father.

Real Madrid is also rumored to be on the verge of a swap of Brazilian Julio "The Beast" Baptista for Arsenal's unhappy young Spanish forward, Juan Antonio Reyes.

American DaMarcus Beasley is reportedly set to transfer from Dutch side PSV to EPL bottom-feeders Manchester City, where he would be united with Team America ("Fuck Yeah!") captain Claudio Reyna. The two of them can then recount how badly they sucked in Germany this summer.