Nerds of the world come into their own.

Last night as I drank a fine brandy from a snifter at the Chateau Marmont I overheard this, "It was like I was a level twenty wizard in a land of dwarves." Well, what can be said about that. So I raise my glass to you nerds, you've come a far way since your portrayal by Robert Carradine and Anthony Edwards. But seriously, keep that kind of talk to yourselves, some of us are trying to get laid.

Ouch

I'll just post this story, as it really doesn't require much commentary:

A tattoo artist from Argentina is facing a lawsuit after drawing a penis on the back of an Argentinean football fan instead of his favorite team's official logo.

Reports said the teenager approached the tattoo artist and asked him to tattoo the logo of the Boca Junior football team on his back.

However, the tattooist was an avid supporter of the rival team and decided to play a prank on his young customer.

After reaching home, the victim proudly showed his parents his new tattoo and was surprised to learn that a penis was tattooed on his back.

According to Argentina's Terra newspaper, the victim said, "I could not see what he was tattooing because he didn't have a mirror. I only saw it when I got home and showed it to my parents."

A police spokesperson added, "The tattooist supports Boca Junior's rival, River Plate, so he got annoyed when the teenager asked him to tattoo Boca's symbol and decided to tattoo a penis instead. Unbelievable!"

Nick and Josh are Friends

Sure, they haven't seen each other for a month of Sundays, but here is photographic evidence that these two up-and-comers are indeed best buds. It's enough to make a starlet swoon.

Let's hope they find time for each again soon because--God dammit--they're too good-looking not to be seen together.

New Year, New Life

Balls on Fire, ignite!

I, of all people, know the blog has fallen on hard times, but let me be the first to transfuse a little bit of fresh enthusiasm into the old wardog. I mean, Google has unveiled a new version of Blogger itself (Jake, switch us over) and if that's not a portent of new, exciting times here at Balls on Fire, then I don't know what is.

Happy New Year everyone! Rejoice, and let the blogging begin anew!

Love,
Bishop MacNamara

Happy Thanksgiving, Bitches!

Cars, Cardboard Cars.


On the mean streets of Seattle.

Are you there god?

Now, Jesus knows I'm no true believer. Yet even I was given pause this morning, after the events of last night, to open up my shades and, for the first time in weeks, see the shining sun and blue skies. It's like peace has returned to the shire.

Can you say, "Cut and Run"?

World's biggest pussy:

Another Reason Vermont Rocks

Vermont's Senate race between Bernie Sanders (I) and Rich Tarrant (R-boo) was called by the Associated Press one minute after polls closed. Sanders' win was the first race called today.

Listen! Do you smell something? It's change, and Vermont's stepping in it.

Megan's laminated list

1. Pauley Shore
2. Karl Malone
3. "Chunk"
4. Corey Feldman
5. "Booger"
   

Quick thought

Where did the idea for the Icecapades come from? Who thought movies and musicals performed by people on iceskates was a good idea. Seriously, this makes no sense to me. And right now it's really bothering me.

I could not be happier about this

From the New York Times:

The Rev. Ted Haggard, the former president of the National Association of Evangelicals and one of the nation’s most influential Christian leaders, admitted today that he had purchased the illegal drug methamphetamine from a gay escort in Denver, but denied that he ever had sex with the man.

Mr. Haggard resigned as president of the evangelical association and stepped aside as senior pastor of the New Life mega-church in Colorado Springs, Colo., on Thursday after Michael Forest Jones, a self-described former gay prostitute, accused him of having a sexual affair for three years and using the drug, commonly known as crystal meth, during those encounters.

Read the rest of this deliciousness.

From :( to :)

Just a short one since everyone seems to be posting nowadays. I am facing a crisis of identity. After three years of dreading each (work) day, I have accepted a position as an assistant attorney general. This means that instead of representing greedy companies fighting with other greedy companies, I will now be representing the interests of the Washington Department of Fish and Wildlife as well as the Washington State Parks.

All of this happened in a pretty short time, and as a result, I am in a period of transition. One of those moments where I have escaped my entrenched mindset and find myself free to consider life from a step back.

The reason for this post is just to remind everyone that they are the fascist dictator of a tiny little country called you land and each day has the potential to see your rebel forces fight to give freedom to your oppressed people. Viva.

P.S. I was going to change my monicker to "Workin Really Hard" but I can't figure out how.

Jake Likes Vermont Too Much

Seriously, the guy's been gone for weeks. The people want to know: When will Jake return? It better be triumphant AND glorious.

German Invasion?

As many have speculated, and many others (me included) have hoped, the U.S. Soccer Federation is in talks with Jurgen Klinsmann about his becoming the next coach of the national team. Klinsmann might soon be doing his sissy, prancing girl dance on America's sidelines.

This is a real ad in Colorado

I hope you're writing this down

I know you've all been waiting for it, so here, at long last, is my Christmas list. Please make sure to coordinate so that I get at least one of everything.

• Xbox 360 or Playstation 3, whichever is awesomer. Also, I'll need all the heli-cool games.
• Condo, minimum of 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms. Preferably in Capital Hill.
• Mac laptop, to replace the crappy Dell I'm writing on right now.
• Some fleece shirts, dark colors only.
• Flintstones chewable Prozac.
• Jeans that fit right.
• Good books.
• Movie star good looks.
• The size, speed and ability to play for Manchester United.
• Arrested Development brought back for season four.
• The Simpsons canceled before we forget how good it once was.
• All the girls on My Super Sweet 16 sterilized and forced to work hard labor. Their parents arrested for child abuse.
• A few days off.
• A Democratic sweep of the House and Senate that is not followed by the Dems immediately fucking it up with sex scandals, corruption, incompetence or arrogance.
• A panel of psychologists/psychiatrists/analysts/therapists/analrapists from Vienna to figure out what's wrong with me.
• World peace or, if world peace is not available, an end to the war in Iraq.
  

More to come ...

What's grosser than gross?

By The Associated Press

TACOMA, Wash. -- A Spanaway man believed to be the first person in the state charged under Washington's new bestiality law bailed out of the Pierce County Jail this morning.

Pierce County prosecutors say 26-year-old Michael Patrick McPhail was caught by his wife on Wednesday night having intercourse on the back porch with their four-year-old female pit bull terrier. The wife took photos with a cell phone and called police.

Pierce County sheriff's spokesman Ed Troyer says "There's pretty clear proof what happened to this dog." McPhail was arrested that night. Charged with animal cruelty, he could be sentenced to a year in jail ifconvicted.

The bestiality law took effect in June. It was prompted by an incident in Enumclaw where a man died after having sex with a horse.

Will Ferrell Earth To America

(I'm posting this b/c Kris couldn't figure out how to.)

i'm going to have to change my name

i'm not going to lie, i have more trouble than i should finding the button to click to create a post, though it's probably stopped me from making some drunken posts that would have reflected bad on my repuatation.

last few days in thailand and i'm going to make a list of things i've learned in thailand:

1. don't play connect 4 against hookers for money. they are litterally unbeatable, and they hustle you. i was in a bar at about 4 in the mornign and i'd talked all the rubish i had to talk, so we started playing connect 4, splitting the games about evenly. then she said 20 baht (50 cents) a game. i got hustled, i finally quit after 10 games, down 200 baht and have never done it again, ok that's a lie but i didn't let it get to 200 baht. it's kinda like that rule that the guy in that movie had about not playing poker w/someone who has a city for a first name, don't remember the movie.

2. don't get tattoos in a bathroom of a shady karoake bar full of hookers, you'll regret it in the morning, or if it is morning, you'll regret it when you sober up. ok, that was all a lie, do get tattoos in a shady karoake becuase you don't regret them in the morning. you regret not getting more. not going to go into too much detail on this now, the boy is still in the dark here so i'll post the pictures in due time.

3. the hose is the best invention ever, not just in the toilet industry, ever.

4. other than that, i don't think i've learned much so i'm going to talk a little more about hookers. going to the go-go bars and watching how competitive and manipulative the hookers are is amazing. if i go, i go w/people my age and the hookers see that we're not really there to bone them so they pretty much stay away, and head towards the fat europeans. these girls are truly pros. but they also try their best to steal each other's catch, it's tough to describe but good to watch anyway.

5. another one, if you're still awake at 7 in the morning, don't ride the garbage truck when it comes around, i made the mistake of doing this one time. ended up cleaning up some garbage and sharing my beer with the other garbage men, eventually they had had enough of me and told me to go over there now, not too close to where i started. and then it gets addicting, every time it's 7 in the morning and the garbage truck comes around you gotta jump back on, i'd say i've done it 4 times since and it doesn't get any better, it just looks so inviting with those handles on the back.

- that's probably enough for now, when i learn some more stuff, i'll let you know.