Doings and Goings On

I know you're never supposed to bury the lead, but allow me to say how pleasantly surprised I was to fire up the blog today and find a new post from Meat.Loaf (even if was a bunch of beefcake shots of Mr. Posh Spice). Perhaps Balls on Fire is finally over its post-World Cup hangover.

Having gotten that out of the way, here's the big football news from England:

Carlos Tevez, the young and supremely talented Argentine striker, is finally on his way to the EPL, as has long been anticipated. What no one saw coming, however, is that Tevez will be joining West Ham. West Ham! Not Chelsea or Manchester United or Arsenal, but West Ham! What's more, making the move to the Hammers with Tevez is his Argentine and Corinthians teammate Javier Mascherano. What the hell is going on here? This would be like waking up to find Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez had been traded to the Kansas City Royals.

In other news:

England international Jonathan Woodgate, who many of you fuckers saw play live a few weeks ago for Real Madrid, is making the move to his hometown club, Middlesbrough. Woodgate is undeniably talented, although he falls down and hurts himself more often than my father.

Real Madrid is also rumored to be on the verge of a swap of Brazilian Julio "The Beast" Baptista for Arsenal's unhappy young Spanish forward, Juan Antonio Reyes.

American DaMarcus Beasley is reportedly set to transfer from Dutch side PSV to EPL bottom-feeders Manchester City, where he would be united with Team America ("Fuck Yeah!") captain Claudio Reyna. The two of them can then recount how badly they sucked in Germany this summer.

clap, clap, clap-clap-clap

Hello?

Is anybody out there?

Pathetic

Not a single post on this blog in more than two weeks. I leave this country and it all falls apart. I hate you all so much.