the next great novel

let the eagles soar.

from rocky coast, to the golden shore.

hello dear friends, because I care for you as I do my totally rad killer Jeep (have you seen my Jeep? It totally kicks the shit out of Jake's compact station wagon (hey Jake, drive the kids to soccer practice much?)), I will now enlighten you with literary acumen.

Four score and seven years ago it was 1920. What does this mean, you ask? Nothing. I just know that none of you (except maybe Snafu) would know what 'Four score and seven years ago' means...and don't even try to tell me it has something to do with Chairman Lincoln's Getty's land address...and fuck you for thinking that.

My point: you are all stupid-meat-wagon-muscle-bound-bald-balding-balder-mutton chop wearing-idiot face having-under masculine-monkey people.

It is time to cry havoc and set free the dogs of war.

I've been sick as a dog for 2 years now and if I have to watch another episode of Seinfeld or fucking Sportscenter, I'm going to swim to Bainbridge Island like the little dolphin boy that I am. (note: I suck at swimming like Ginny does at bike riding to Vancouver and would probably turn back after 10 feet)

Time: present day.

Place: a roadside gas station in the desert.

boy #1: what are you looking at, sir?

(pause)

man #1: your stupid face, son. (pause) I wonder if you could provide me with a bit of information that would assist me with my travels?

boy #1: I'll try, sir. (pause) I been reading books since I was younger.

man #1: Reading books since you was younger? what the fuck hell does that mean?

boy #1: well, sir, I...

man #1: (quietly) son, do me and god and his son and his green pasture a favor and get me a map so I can get on my way to salvation.

boy #1: (pulls map out of his shirt pocket) here you go, sir.

man #1: (pulls out his wallet out of his shirt pocket) how much do I owe you?

boy #1: nothing sir, this one's on me.

man #1: oh. well I was planning on kicking you in the head for it.

(pause)

boy #1: nothing sir, this one's on me.

man #1: fuck.

boy #1: fuck?

man #1: fuck.

boy #1: fuck? what do you mean, sir?

(man #1 kicks boy#1 in the head. boy #1 falls to the ground.)

man #1: that's it. It had to end somehow.

(man #1 walks on his way to salvation.)

The End

I love you.