No! I'll Never Believe It

In perhaps the least shocking shocking revelation of all time, Lance Bass of 'N Sync has announced he's gay. Like most people, I just assumed everyone in 'N Sync, the Backstreet Boys and that other boy band with Jessica Simpson's ex-husband was gay. Seemed to be the only explanation. Bass says he kept his sexuality a secret until now to avoid damaging 'N Sync's popularity. Because, in America, apparently there is something wrong with that.

Of course, not all boy bands are made equal. Some kick ass, like Fingerbang.

Gj#dlgo!d&fj*jfkh8sl

Sorry about that muddled headline, but it's hard to type now that my eyes have burst out of my sockets just moments before my entire head exploded across my keyboard and computer screen. Here's what did it (courtesy of, ie. stolen from, the Progress Report):

Sen. James Inhofe (R-OK) is the nation’s most prominent global warming denier. He famously declared that global warming is "the greatest hoax ever perpetrated on the American people." Now he’s taken the argument a step further. In an interview with the Tulsa World, Inhofe compared people who believe global warming is a problem to Nazis: "[He] heaped criticism on what he saw as the strategy used by those on the other side of the debate and offered a historical comparison. ... 'It kind of reminds... I could use the Third Reich, the big lie,' Inhofe said." The "big lie" is a propaganda technique Adolf Hitler attributed to Jews in his book Mein Kampf. It involves telling lies “so colossal” that no one would believe “others could have the impudence to distort the truth so infamously.” Inhofe added that every claim in An Inconvenient Truth “has been refuted scientifically.” He also admitted he’d never seen the movie.

Urge to kill rising ...

my first time was so short, i actually went back in time, Abraham Lincoln was there when i finished

ok, my brother has apparently taken my blogging v-card, as this is my first time. and as with all first times, i'll keep it short. i don't know the rules for this thing or what level of decency i have to adhear to. for as long as i'm hear i'll try to keep you updated on southeast asia, sure to be chock full of ladyboys of varying degrees and seventh grade science classes that i get college credit for. ok, i'm off to eat some mystery meat on a stick.

Ree-al Seattle?

Can it be? Ree-al soccer coming to our fair town August 9th? Undisclosed government sources say, "Maybe."

Those with need for a more immediate fix will have to be content with reliving the world cup finale.

Stay tuned...

So Long, Suckers!

I'm moving to Girls Gone Wild Island. If the television commercials are to be believed, it's an enchanted fantasy land where there are "no rules, no parents and, best of all, no clothes!" I'll send you all a postcard during the break between naked tug-of-war and naked wrestling. No tan lines for me.

To Become a Soccer Fan, Just Add Water

I've been meaning to post this for a few days. On Wednesday, ESPN.com's Bill Simmons, aka "The Sports Guy," wrote a lengthy column explaining how he had decided to become a fan of the English Premier League. Never before much of a soccer fan, the Sports Guy went team-by-team, looking for a side to root for. I won't give away the ending, but, as with all his articles, it's pretty entertaining. And it's a good introduction to the Premier League for anyone else looking to get on board.

Headline of the Day

"Fergie Can Play Dong After December."

Courtesy of ESPN.com. "Fergie" is Manchester United manager Alex "Turd" Ferguson. The "Dong" in question is 21-year-old Dong Fangzhou, a Chinese striker who will qualify for his UK passport in December, thus allowing him to play for the club.

Grist for the Rumor Mill

Some of the possible doings and goings on from the world of soccer:

• Ruud van Nistelrooy looks like he's on his way out of ManU, having agreed to a contract with Real Madrid. This comes as a surprise to absolutely no one, as the Dutch striker had a major imbroglio with skipper Alex "Turd" Ferguson at the end of the EPL season.
• Among ManU's potential targets this summer: Michael Carrick, the Tottenham midfielder who performed reasonably well for England at the World Cup; young Spanish striker Fernando Torres, to fill van Nistelrooy's boots; and, most interestingly, Patrick Viera. Viera was long a United rival while playing for Arsenal. But now that his current club, Juventus, has been dropped down to the depths of Serie B, he is looking for a new home and a return to England seems likely.
• Other players who could end up in the EPL as a result of the Italian match-fixing scandal (according to The Times of London): Pavel Nedved, unless he decides to retire, David Trezeguet, Lilian Thuram, Patrick Vieira, Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Emerson and Robert Kovac.
• Bruce Arena may not be unemployed for long. He is widely rumored to be hired as the next coach of MLS's New York Red Bulls.

UPDATE: Bruce Arena in! As first reported here and nowhere else, Arena has been hired as the head coach of the New York Red Bulls. No word yet on whether Guus Hiddink has been confirmed as the new skipper of the Los Angeles Bacardi & Colas.

Cheaters Sometimes Win?

But only when they are Italian, apparently. This article from the BBC examines some of the major football match-fixing scandals of the past in light of the current Serie A debacle.

As a result of the 2006 scandal, Italian club giants Juventus, Lazio, and Fiorentina were demoted to Serie B, with Juventus likely to stay there for at least two years after a 30-point deduction from next season's total. Juventus were also stripped of their last two league titles. In addition, AC Milan were handed a 15-point deduction, but they remain in Serie A. All four clubs have been banned from European tournament play.

And yet they still won the World Cup. That's the worst.

Meat.Loafian Politics Meets Football

In the politically-minded vein of our very own Meat.Loaf, here's a letter from UN President Kofi Annan that tells us how we might use the World Cup as a model for a better world. Enjoy.

Meet the new boss, same as the old boss

I just started David McCullough's Pulitzer Prize-winning 1776, about the Revolutionary War, and was struck by this paragraph in the first chapter:

Despite the war, or more likely because of it, the King remained popular in the country at large and could count on a a loyal following in Parliament. Political philosophy, patriotism, and a sense of duty comparable to the King's own figured strongly in both houses. So, too, did the immense patronage and public money that were his alone to dispense. And if that were not sufficient, there was the outright bribery that had become standard in a blatanly mercenary system not of his making, but that he readily employed to get his way.

The King's name, I need not remind you, my fellow historians, was George.

BREAKING NEWS: Bruce Arena Out!

Balls on Fire sources deep with the recesses of the United States Soccer Federation (USSF) have confirmed that Coach Bruce Arena's contract will not be renewed when it expires at the end of the year. With Arena out, is Jurgen Klinsman in?

Josh scored a wondrous goal...

...and I'm taking all the credit. First, I intervened to save him from a savage beating, single-handedly fending off 14 opposing players. Then I motivated him by asking if he had left his brain in Germany. Now that's how you get the best out of your players. Here's to me!

We're #16! In your face Denmark!

The first post-World Cup FIFA rankings are out and, as expected, the U.S. took a long overdue tumble. The surprise is not that we fell 11 places, from 5th to 16th, but that we didn't fall further. And the U.S. isn't the only team out of place.

Mexico, despite entering the cup ranked ahead of the U.S., and despite advancing to the second round while the Americans sucked balls, now sits in 18th place, two steps lower than us. Brazil, which stunk in Germany, remained No. 1, ahead of Cup-winner Italy. England's pathetic showing was rewarded with a jump of five spots in the rankings. Ghana, the surprise of the tournament, only moved up to 25th place, below Switzerland, Uruguay and Denmark, among others.

Has FIFA hired a team of monkeys to compile these rankings? And, if so, can it give the monkeys whistles and have them referee instead of the bums we were treated to in the World Cup?

The Magic Word

Italian defender Marco Materazzi has admitted to insulting Zinedine Zidane moments before the French captain lost his mind and head-butted Materazzi to the turf. Materazzi denies calling Zidane, who is Muslim, a "dirty terrorist," as has been widely reported. He will not say, however, what he did call Zizou.

Any guesses?

An American Werewolf in Munich, Part 2

Chapters 1, 2, 3, and 4

München, Deutschland. I know it's been some time since my last post, and you've been worried. Well, never fear, Dear Reader, for this intrepid reporter has managed splendidly in my time abroad. Sorry I haven't been able to tell you all about it.

If there's one thing I can report, it's that things are different here. The language for one (these keyboards are wacky also with their ö and ä and ü keys). The culture for another. For example, Germans care about fussball: they sing songs about their team, gather in great numbers to watch their team, proclaim the greatness of their team, and (key difference here) their team can back them up.

I know some of my readership will appreciate a few of the small, yet telling differences I've observed while in Munich, regarding the World Cup. Most notably, the games are not shown on ESPN2. There are no action-obscuring graphics displayed during the game, period. All lineups are given prior to the action and at once, in formation, without pictures. The time and score are displaying in a small, semi-transparent box in the upper left corner.

Well, of course, the Cup is over, and the villians have won, but i highly recommend the European football scene to anyone. Euro 2008, anyone?

It's not Junk mail!

I just signed up for my Penis Enlargement apparently that will make my female partner happy. But wait I don’t have any female partners right now...... Shit balls!

O Captain! My Captain!

ESPN.com looks at the early favorites to replace Bruce Arena as the US National Team coach.

In other World Cup news:

• Wayne Rooney insists that there was no intent in his groin stomp on Ricardo Carvalho and that he bears no ill will toward Christiano Ronaldo, who taunted him before the game, intervened to demand a red card for the afforementioned nut stamping, then winked to the Portugal bench when Rooney was dismissed.

• German midfielder Torsten Frings has been suspended for the semi-final due to his role in the fracas following the home nation's penalty kick shootout victory over Argentina. Apparently Frings was caught on television throwing a haymaker at Julio Cruz.

• Brazilian defender Roberto Carlos, who did his best impression of a cone on Thierry Henry's game-winning goal, has retired from international competition, joining teammate Juninho Pernambucano.

RoboCup exists!

"RoboCup is an international joint project to promote AI, robotics, and related field. It is an attempt to foster AI and intelligent robotics research by providing a standard problem where wide range of technologies can be integrated and examined. RoboCup chose to use soccer game as a central topic of research, aiming at innovations to be applied for socially significant problems and industries. The ultimate goal of the RoboCup project is By 2050, develop a team of fully autonomous humanoid robots that can win against the human world champion team in soccer."

http://www.robocup.org/