Snake CEO v. Mrs. Madame Lady Woman

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! Come one, Come all!! Come see the mighty Snake CEO defend his title as the greatest Greco-Roman Woman Wrastler of all time as he takes on the #1 ranked contender represeting the Women of the World!!!

It'll be a fight to the death.....seriously....Snake CEO is going to bring a samurai sword and a stick of dynamite!

Crazy Brain

Stewpot. Unassuming, bicycle-riding, soccer-playing, waterfront-living, office guy secretary dude.

With a crazy brain!

Seriously, anyone who reads this blog (all four of you) should have a re-read of Nicolai's latest posts. Each one is the carefully crafted product of a fevered imagination, a strange genius--a raving lunatic. I've never read such incredible stuff. Really, this is a blog entry of pure appreciation. Especially since he is--in person and to all appearances--a totally normal dude.

Nickleson, It must take an incredible amount of effort to keep a constant lid on that crazy brain of yours during the day. You're like some kind of superhero. Bravo, sir, bravo.

ThOsE sTePs ArE pAiNtEd

while watching "meet the fockers" last night, I saw the golden light of heaven...

those steps are painted....

the top of the steps were painted, only the top (and to use a word that's over-used) it looked GLORIOUS....

my days as the jack-ass of the neighborhood are soon to end...

happiness abounds.

enjoy your futbol.

An Open Letter to Nick Stewart

Dear Nick,

Why don't you love me anymore? You used to love me all day and all night. Now you don't love me even a little. I know we've had some hard times baby, but I never stopped loving you. Not even for a second. I know I can make you love me again, you've just got to give me a chance. Put the hate away, lock it up in a little box and throw away the key. There, don't you feel better? I know I do. Mmmm, that's much better. I'm going to love you long time.

Jake

lonely planet

Hello. Is their anybody out there? Just tell me if you can hear me. Is there anyone at home?

Friends,

I write to you today to tell you I am saddened by the lack of posts on ballz on fire.

Snake CEO has been hard at work demolishing homes far and wide across greater King County. Seen a good Godzilla movie lately? Snake is his own version of a large stinky monster stomping on buildings all over town. Way to destroy the infrastructure, slimy.

Snafu has been hard at work painting his room in lovely pastel colors that are turning normally energetic people into lazy sleepy bed time story readers.

Meat.Loaf continues her ongoing search for the perfect porn movie. Shocking. Those of us from the great state of Indiana do not approve.

Stinka's been all across the country in search of the perfect blond hippie surfer boy to make out with only to tackle the poor boy moments later. "Surfing's not just a sport, it's a way of life. It's about looking that wave in the eye and saying 'hey bud, let's party', hey, where'd you get that jacket?"

Ginny pop is throwing in a huge dip so that he can "lay down the law" as manager of the professional sporting outfit known as Fauns Beard FC. He's committed to commitment.

Meanwhile, poor trickle is sad and lonely eyed.

happiness does not abound.

Midnight Madness

Midnight Madness, it's gonna get to you. It doesn't matter what you say. It doesn't matter what you do, you're gonna play.

Man Utd v. Chelsea - FA Cup Final

Oh my, this is going to be freak nasty.

happiness abounds.

Poop Covered Wax Ring

In a related story, Snake and Snafu are expecting a child...Snafu is hard at work designing the perfect little nursery...

happiness abounds.

1 year, 9.5 months to go...

Random soccer baby sez: "Bring em on"

God bless the City of Olympia - I am signing our little one up as soon as she can walk:

Mommy/Daddy & Me Soccer Ages: 2 - 3½
Brace yourself and your toddler for the “World’s Most Popular Game!” As you and your child participate in our fun age-appropriate activities, your child will be developing their large motor skills and socialization skills. The fun happens on the field, and in Mommy/Daddy & Me Soccer, you won’t have to watch from the sidelines!

I hope slide tackling is 'age-appropriate'. Also beer and screaming at the other fathers.

And gentlemen in England now-a-bed
Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day
In Mommy/Daddy and Me Soccer.

You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to...

Okay, so I'm listening to NPR on Saturday morning and pre-car talk they have this piece on about what's hot in Kenyan music (of course!). Apparently "hip" Kenyan 20 somethings who run the radio stations across the country, which all the Kenyan kiddos are glued to, LOVE KENNY ROGERS. In fact, they're into anything that came out of Nashville in the late 70's/early 80's... yes, that means Crystal Gail folks. They love her. Apparently a whole Kenyan country music movement is burgeoning all because of this radio play.

Oddly perfect.

rowdy roddy piper

fucking hell. let's get some futbol writing back in this bitch.

Liverpool defeats PSV Suckhoven 3-0.

Steve Gerrard is the best player in the world.

John Arne Riise cracked a ridiculous goal...he brings the ball down with his chest and hits a bomb half volley from 40...Eindhoven was silent and many resin balls went up in smoke in cafes all across town.

Holy shit that tall skinny stick figure boy can play.

Patrick Kluivert subs in late to fall over the ball a few times, foul half of Liverpool and look just a few years away from 65.

the end.

enjoy your futbol.

happiness abounds.

Maybe we should move to Virgina

This little bit of genius was found inside a WA State government building. Enjoy.

oh and....

Stinka decides to just randomly reveal to us that she's a genius writer and has won somewhere in the neighborhood of 1533 awards for writing people's faces off...and she's not contributing anything to the blog...

SnakeCEO, what kind of horseshit outfit are your runnin?

Snake will only respond with: "I'd never hurt a fly and I'm awesome...

or how his lover Yosh likes to say: "Oh Jake can run his little blog anyway he wants, I support my husband in any endeavor." Once again, happiness abounds.

Trust me Colin, you'll like this

In another story that seems sports-related but is actually about female genitalia, the West Virginia men's basketball team recently won the NIT (the poor man's NCAA tournament). Here's how the NIT printed the school's name on its championship t-shirts (look closely):

Take Note, Faun's Beard

Again, I know this is no longer a soccer blog, but c'mon, this story is fantastic. Details are emerging about the all-night party the Czech Republic team threw following their 2-1 loss to Germany last week in a Euro 2008 qualifier.

Turns out six of the players were getting rowdy with six prostitutes in their hotel room. Three of the players are married. One of them, Arsenal star Tomas Rosicky, has a very pissed off girlfriend. How were the players' infidelities uncovered? A female journalist--who had ventured to their hotel room in search of autographs--was allowed to hang out and watch the whole thing.

Now that's professionalism, Josh!

Nice going

I know this is no longer really a soccer blog, but I had to post this anyway. Landon Donovan scored a hat trick today to lead the U.S. to a 3-1 over Ecuador in an international friendly. This ends an 18-game scoreless streak for Donovan in international play (including all of last year's World Cup). Good to know he can score when it really counts. Oh wait ...

Which Wide Web?

I just saw a commercial for eharmony.com, the dating site operated (clandestinely) by right-wing religious types. And they were showing (as is their advertising staple) one of the couples who met on the site. And the guy said he was skeptical of any dating service "on an Internet," but eharmony.com won him over. Is there more than one Internet and I'm only now hearing about it?

Introducing Seattle's Newest Homowners

...the saga continues

Meet Frankie Carbone

A new day, a new issue. Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to introduce to you, again, Frankie Carbone (Part 2)!

Ever wonder...

what we do behind closed doors. Now ya know.

why can't i comment on frankie carbone?

and what happened to the band with the same name?

You Can't Go Home Again Because Your Teeth are Goofy and You Have a Bubble-Wrap Hat

Blam-O! No longer is this blog the exclusive province of Jake and I when it comes to ridiculous photographic representations of our personages! Take that prodigal daughter!

(P.S. meat, let's be friends again...)

Meet Frankie Carbone

When I was in college, I aspired to a one-panel cartoon in the school newspaper. It was to be called Meet Frankie Carbone and it was to be glorious. I even made several sketches in case the paper called me up and asked me to fill in for one of their regulars.

Alas, I was never called up and the sketches are gone. Luckily the spirit remains and there exists an even better venue for what many consider to be my most personal and endearing work. Where, you ask? The Balls on Fire blog! Thus, I give you part one in a continuing series. World, meet Frankie Carbone (Part 1)!

Lover's Package

Well as the days get closer and closer to a possible sale, the Lover's Package is almost a reality. "What's the Lover's Package?" you might ask. Well fret not, I am here to tell you. The Lover's Package is the official legal name of the sale of the house that Snake and B.M. are buying together. It's listed as such on every legal document. Thus, not only making it an aspirational reality, but a legal one too. We must have you over for drinks sometime, just look for the yellow house and the door mat that says 'Back Door Guests are the Best.' Lover's Package hurray!

'Nuff Said

oh, i get it...

this must be the blog where people post absurd pictures of my brother.







the second being a testament to the "ladies man" claim.

Pint Sized Shit-Zoo

rage, rampid, raucous, ready-to-eat, real salt lake?, rick steves, right on, root, ride, rep.

You can't go home again. You just can't.

Way to make the place nice (and unrecognizable) while I was out at sea.

This Was Going to Just Be a Comment...

...but those picture labels just cut too deep to bury what I have to say.

I mean, how is wearing a tank top, cut-off jean shorts, a headband, and glasses with no lenses cross-dressing? Really, that's just good fashion sense.

holy shit balls is pimped!

who's the mastermind behind this caper??

Movie review: Red Heat

Thumbs up to:

--Smart-alecky James Belushi in one of his finest roles.
--Arnold ripping a dude's wooden leg off.
--Naked Russian ladies in the steam room.

Thumbs down to:

--Arnold playing it too serious to deliver any amazing catchphrases like, "I'll be back" (Terminator), "Killian! I'll be back" (Running Man) or "I'll be back" (Total Recall). Also would have accepted, "It's not a tumor!"
--Naked (mostly) Russian dudes in the steam room.

Verdict: 8 stars (out of five)

Untitled

I've been practicing a loooong time, and I've been waiting for you...

Since I'm doing nothing else

I'll add another post (that's three today). I'm watching Red Heat and, even though I'm only two minutes in and haven't gotten to the opening credits yet, I can already say that this is my favorite movie of all time. It begins with a bunch of enormous Russian dudes wearing nothing but loincloths pumping iron inside what looks like a Turkish bath. Meanwhile, totally naked sexy Russian ladies swim around. Co-ed steam rooms--I didn't realize the Soviet Union was so progressive. Thanks a lot, Reagan. Anyway, for some reason Arnold Schwarzenegger just punched some fat guy who looks Hawaiian through a window and into the snow. Then he tumbled out the window with some other huge dude. So now the three of them are fighting in the snow in their loincloths. And the sound effects are amazing--each punch sounds like a tree splitting in half. That's as much as I've seen, but it's incredible and I expect it to only get better from here. I mean, we haven't even gotten to James Belushi yet.

By the way, I love the people who write their own reviews on Netflix and trash movies like Red Heat because the acting is bad, the cinematography is uninspired or the plot is unrealistic. What, exactly, were they expecting from a movie staring Arnold and Jimmy Belushi as mismatched cops from opposite sides of the Iron Curtain who must reluctantly team up to catch a drug lord who escapes from prison in the USSR and makes for Chicago, all the while realizing that maybe they're not so different and that there is hope for peace and understanding between our nations after all? Of course, I'm just guessing that's what happens, since I haven't watched the whole thing yet. But having seen Dragnet, Turner & Hooch, Running Scared, Beverly Hills Cop, 48 HRS, Lethal Weapon and Tango & Cash, I'm pretty confident.

Oh my god, Arnold just ripped off some guy's wooden leg and busted it open to reveal the cocaine hidden inside. I gotta go.

The stuff of nightmares

What does it mean?

I woke up this morning early, about 6:30am, and I had been having this crazy dream. I was playing indoor soccer against Barry from EastEnders. But, instead of playing with a ball, I had to intercept a CD that Barry was trying to throw to a teammate. Which, I did. Then I raced down the field and stuck it into a boombox. I didn't recognize the music. End of show.

BREAKING NEWS: Jake Jewsoegberg is Jewish!

However, he will never see the light of day in a Jewish cemetary because he has shot dirty ink into his skin that will never be gone ever ever or ever!

the next great novel

let the eagles soar.

from rocky coast, to the golden shore.

hello dear friends, because I care for you as I do my totally rad killer Jeep (have you seen my Jeep? It totally kicks the shit out of Jake's compact station wagon (hey Jake, drive the kids to soccer practice much?)), I will now enlighten you with literary acumen.

Four score and seven years ago it was 1920. What does this mean, you ask? Nothing. I just know that none of you (except maybe Snafu) would know what 'Four score and seven years ago' means...and don't even try to tell me it has something to do with Chairman Lincoln's Getty's land address...and fuck you for thinking that.

My point: you are all stupid-meat-wagon-muscle-bound-bald-balding-balder-mutton chop wearing-idiot face having-under masculine-monkey people.

It is time to cry havoc and set free the dogs of war.

I've been sick as a dog for 2 years now and if I have to watch another episode of Seinfeld or fucking Sportscenter, I'm going to swim to Bainbridge Island like the little dolphin boy that I am. (note: I suck at swimming like Ginny does at bike riding to Vancouver and would probably turn back after 10 feet)

Time: present day.

Place: a roadside gas station in the desert.

boy #1: what are you looking at, sir?

(pause)

man #1: your stupid face, son. (pause) I wonder if you could provide me with a bit of information that would assist me with my travels?

boy #1: I'll try, sir. (pause) I been reading books since I was younger.

man #1: Reading books since you was younger? what the fuck hell does that mean?

boy #1: well, sir, I...

man #1: (quietly) son, do me and god and his son and his green pasture a favor and get me a map so I can get on my way to salvation.

boy #1: (pulls map out of his shirt pocket) here you go, sir.

man #1: (pulls out his wallet out of his shirt pocket) how much do I owe you?

boy #1: nothing sir, this one's on me.

man #1: oh. well I was planning on kicking you in the head for it.

(pause)

boy #1: nothing sir, this one's on me.

man #1: fuck.

boy #1: fuck?

man #1: fuck.

boy #1: fuck? what do you mean, sir?

(man #1 kicks boy#1 in the head. boy #1 falls to the ground.)

man #1: that's it. It had to end somehow.

(man #1 walks on his way to salvation.)

The End

I love you.

Hey you all...

Does anyone else's beard hurt? I've got beardruff galore. I need the cure, dear Lord do I need the cure.

Turns Out, I'm the Asshole

Maybe it's the incredible beating we take each Thursday. Maybe it's the lack of players. Or the amount of running with minimal--actually, no--no reward. Just punishment. It's cold out and my legs hurt and I just want to sit at home and eat some queso.

We're not unsung heroes. We're 90-pound weaklings. And I'm sick of getting dirt kicked in my face.

And so it was last night, when I was asked to leave a soccer game for the second time in my life. Am I proud of myself? Maybe a little. It sure felt good. Nothing like throwing a guy to the ground to work out a little pent out aggression. Besides taking off your Oakland Raiders belly-baring sweatshirt and pumping iron in the dark in tight acid-washed jeans as the sweat pours out of your luxuriously thick mullet and glistens on your giant, barabarian chest while your beautiful neighbor sits smoking and listening on the other side of the wall, smiling seductively at the primal sounds of you pumping a literal ton of iron. Of course.

I'll say it since no one else has

Happy Valentine's Day, you dirty pig fuckers.

Reputed Ladies Man Reveals Himself a Boy

Many onlookers left the Luau last night disappointed, as reputed ladies man Bishop MacNamara failed to close the deal with an interested party. Said party was in fact a native Kansan woman who, according to several eyewitnesses, expressed definite interest in the notorious blogger and nanotechnologist MacNamara.

MacNamara attributes his presence at the Luau to a "shellacking" taken in Faun's Beard's weekly game. The sometime film actor and several teammates had retreated to the bar to drown their sorrows and, it turned out, take comfort in the lyrics of the also notorious B.I.G.

The lady in question is claimed to have initiated the encounter with a steathly approach to the open bar behind MacNamara, where she first addressed the group while waiting for her drinks. Reports have GinthMisterGrandeMax, fellow blogger (kind of), making nonsensical remarks, forcing the woman to take sanctuary in MacNamara's conversational sanity before retreating to her table.

MacNamara, all-around superstar, was presented with a second opportunity to close the deal when the woman returned to the bar slightly before midnight to close her tab. Despite several minutes in close proximity with the lady and the impending start of Valentine's Day, the generally talented MacNamara nonetheless failed to obtain a phone number, all to the great disbelief of his companions.

"She was hurting for a squirting" was the crude observation of one of Bishop MacNamara's teammates who was present during the encounters. MacNamara himself was made visibly uncomfortable by this statement.

In the end, the ladies man rep garnered by part-time model MacNamara has suffered a blow thanks to his boyish lack of cojones. Fellow blogger (kind of) Dick Trickle was heard to say, "grow a pair, jerkwad." Which pretty much sums it up.

who are you people...

and what is all this crap?

Nerds of the world come into their own.

Last night as I drank a fine brandy from a snifter at the Chateau Marmont I overheard this, "It was like I was a level twenty wizard in a land of dwarves." Well, what can be said about that. So I raise my glass to you nerds, you've come a far way since your portrayal by Robert Carradine and Anthony Edwards. But seriously, keep that kind of talk to yourselves, some of us are trying to get laid.

Ouch

I'll just post this story, as it really doesn't require much commentary:

A tattoo artist from Argentina is facing a lawsuit after drawing a penis on the back of an Argentinean football fan instead of his favorite team's official logo.

Reports said the teenager approached the tattoo artist and asked him to tattoo the logo of the Boca Junior football team on his back.

However, the tattooist was an avid supporter of the rival team and decided to play a prank on his young customer.

After reaching home, the victim proudly showed his parents his new tattoo and was surprised to learn that a penis was tattooed on his back.

According to Argentina's Terra newspaper, the victim said, "I could not see what he was tattooing because he didn't have a mirror. I only saw it when I got home and showed it to my parents."

A police spokesperson added, "The tattooist supports Boca Junior's rival, River Plate, so he got annoyed when the teenager asked him to tattoo Boca's symbol and decided to tattoo a penis instead. Unbelievable!"

Nick and Josh are Friends

Sure, they haven't seen each other for a month of Sundays, but here is photographic evidence that these two up-and-comers are indeed best buds. It's enough to make a starlet swoon.

Let's hope they find time for each again soon because--God dammit--they're too good-looking not to be seen together.

New Year, New Life

Balls on Fire, ignite!

I, of all people, know the blog has fallen on hard times, but let me be the first to transfuse a little bit of fresh enthusiasm into the old wardog. I mean, Google has unveiled a new version of Blogger itself (Jake, switch us over) and if that's not a portent of new, exciting times here at Balls on Fire, then I don't know what is.

Happy New Year everyone! Rejoice, and let the blogging begin anew!

Love,
Bishop MacNamara