18+ Dance Party

Alright y'all. Just wanted to give everyone out there a heads up. If you expect to hang with me and Christina at the next totally sweet dance party, there are some expectations to be met. The video below is for instructional purposes, you know, to outline the parameters of those expectations.

Look What Nick Did!

And we thought he was useless! Read about how Nick mapped the mouse brain.

How's Your Face, Mr. Bush?

Wow, check this video out, an MSNBC editorial from Keith Olbermann. Pretty heavy-hitting.

To catch up those who've ignored the political press the last few days: Clinton appeared on Fox News last Friday and was sandbagged with the accusation that he let 9/11 happen because he was distracted by Monica Lewinsky. He got mad and--can you believe his nerve?--told the truth. Which is: He tried to warn the Bush Administration that Osama Bin Laden was determined to attack on American soil and was ignored. Now the right-wing press is not only blaming him for 9/11, but is also trying to ridicule him for his "outburst" on Friday as he defended himself from these false accusations.

So good ol' Olbermann has backed Clinton's play and it's pretty awesome. So watch.

Rat Attack

Yes, that is a rat. What's it doing, you ask? Nothing, just hanging out on the windshield of my car at a stoplight at 50th and Roosevelt. Turns out that Megan and I had driven most of the way home from Josh's totally unaware that that little fucker was stowed away on my car.

Thinking I would shoo him away, I put on the windshield wipers. This only succeeded in causing the rat to run up the passenger side of the windshield, sending Megan into conniptions. With the rat heading for the roof, Megan quickly slammed shut the panel to the sunroof. This was totally unnecessary, as the glass was already closed, but this was a panic situation and logic had nothing to do with it. The rat reemerged from the roof on the driver's side of the windshield, which almost led me to drive us off the road. He then scrambled back down over the hood and disappeared, presumably into the guts of my engine so he could chew on my car's expensive wiring.

Upon arriving at Megan's house, I sped down her street then slammed on the brakes, hoping to launch the rat out from its hiding place and into the road, where I could smush it up good. Two attempts at doing so yielded no signs of him. We then counted to 3 and simultaneously bolted from the car like two sissy girls. He was still nowhere to be found. So, after saying goodnight to Megan, I had the most skin-crawlingest ride home imaginable. And I now have a life time of public transportation and sleeping with the light on to look forward to.

I can honestly say, without hyperbole, that this was the worst thing that has ever happened, to anyone, ever, to anyone. And if anyone wants to buy a 2006 Mazda 3 with fewer than 5,000 miles on it, let me know.

Speaking of...Here's Some Sweet Revenge. Served Cold.

Yeah, who's this girly girl? And is that Maradona on that manly man's t-shirt?

Public Statement

I just want to take a moment here to say that I'm a little distressed by the large numbers of terrible, terrible pictures of myself being disseminated via the internet. Even if I am myself one of the disseminators. Or is it disseminaters...?

Enough! I command everyone to stop taking bad pictures of me. I will work on looking better. Meet me halfways, folks, that's all I'm asking.

Peace out.

Giving Kris a Run for His Money

I have a pretty good friend who recently posted the following bulletin on MySpace. I read it and thought, wow, she and Kris are, like, grammatical soulmates! Enjoy.

why go into the city for some fuckface infested bs scene disco with shitty cloned out
music when u can come party with chill kids like us.......................................................
oyessir shame on us*** !!the land is very sleepy
but tonite a very special last minute dance party @ K + M
in bk off the bedford stop :

+siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick jamz + sci fi // japanime visheees ///---///
+david x baby x bear x hugzzz
+captain kenfriend omg 3k wow aka k k k magikmafia

playing 77 / death punk / no wave / cold wave / dark wave / top of the pops / disko class x / black metal / tweee / minimal / synth / experimental / techno / happy hardcore >>
+ u know like whatevurrr

tonite bass in your motherfucking face

@ k + m

225 N 8th St ( X = roebling )

dark o clock > forever

It's pretty awesome stuff.

worst coup ever

i wish i had more to say but i really thought the overthrow of a government would be more exciting. school was cancelled for a day, i didn't know that until i'd got up at 6:45, had my huge cup of coffee and put on my darling, fairly-homosexual (not in the Josh way from the pictures) uniform and gotten breakfast only to realize i was one of about four people who hadn't gotten the message. that left me to playing video games for 6 hours instead of my usual 2 for the day.

no one has even mentioned it today, it's as if everyone knew except for whitey, the riot at university of maryland when they won the ncaa basketball championship was about 400 times more exciting. though just like when the tsunami happened i did end up getting a bunch of emails from people who never write so that was semi-exciting.

ok, quick new topic, espn asia is the worst channel in history. my only english channel abruptly switched from hbo to espn as it does sometimes. sportscenter is horrible but that's kinda expected, but all they do is replay epl games over and over. the arsenal-man u and chelsea-liverpool games have been shown twice a day since they happened. that's not counting the highlight shows. the only bright spot is they now have and1 on at 5. i hate to say this but if i only had one channel that i watched for all hours i was home, espn would be above the home shopping network and possibly pbs, probably not though. i end up watchign thai soap operas instead of it. there was bright spot, 2 baseball games on this morning and yesterday, both yankees games, the problem was, there were both a week old.

that's enough for now, i'm going to throw something at a tank and see if we can get some action going

god i smell, happy birthday boy, movies

thanks to the boy for posting the picture, i don't have anymore tattoos as far as can remember but then again i can't see everywhere on my body, for all i know i got drunk and got another, we'll never know.

i never realized how cool lou ferrigno was, i guess he was before my time. i had the tv on, tuned to the only english station i get, hbo. and i heard some woman say something about sinbad, i happened to be on the pot at the moment so i was behind the tv and i thought she was talking about sinbad sinbad, of "First Kid" fame. so i rushed through my business only to see this ridiculously jacked white guy fighting wizards and what looked like the foot soldiers from teenage mutant ninja turtles. needless to say i sat through the whole movie, it was truly amazing and then saw on the credits that the guy was lou ferrigno, i had no idea i was viewing such talent. even Raekwon has a line about acting like "Lou Ferrigno on coke" so he must be important.

another movie that was truly excellent and is probably required viewing for anyone who's parents just got divorced, that means you boy, is Surburban Madness. I'm pretty sure it a lifetime movie.

and for any keannu reaves fans, we we just required to watch Little Buddha in Thai Civilization class and guess who gives another fantastic performance as the Lord Buddha, none other than Bill or Ted, i can't remember which one he was.

so if you have any free time check these out, well worth the money,

happy birthday boy

The World's Greatest Tattoo

All hail my brother, possessor of the most fantastic tattoo ever conceived:

Why I'm Not Moving to Ballard

Ever seen that weird looking Church next to the Paradox in Ballard? Turns out it's creepier than you ever could have imagined.

Oh, the pain!

I know what you've been thinking Josh. You've been thinking, maybe Jake's too busy to post the photos of me in a skirt at the Rubik's Cube party. Perhaps it has slipped his mind, you hoped. Maybe I'll get away with it, you mused. Alas, I have merely been bidding my time, lying in the weeds, waiting for the opportune moment to strike, when your guard is down and my vile treachery will inflict the deepest wound. Now the moment is at hand. Have at you!





And just in case you're feebly considering posting the pictures of me in my red dress, I now do so myself, thus rendering you without riposte.

Jessica Alba's Naughty Fun Bags

That got your attention, didn't it, you sick pervs. Tonight Megan asked me if I had posted to the blog this weekend. I said no. That made me sad. So I decided to post a transcript of our conversation. That was it. The word "no," I mean, that was the transcript. Sorry if that wasn't clear. In my defense, I'm composing this message while working and watching Fantastic Four. It sucks. Fantastic Four, I mean. I'm only a few minutes in and I can already tell it totally sucks. Josh probably liked it though. He likes everything. He's the opposite of Mikey from the Life cereal commercials. Wouldn't that be interesting, if Josh hated Life cereal? Weird. Getting back to Fantastic Four, who casts the guy from The Commish as a superhero? Now I've lost the plot of the movie, what with all the typing. All of a sudden they're on a spaceship and I'm not sure why. Are they astronauts? I thought they were white-collar business types. The inside of the spaceship looks like a set borrowed from the old Star Trek television show. I wish there some snakes on this plane. The only impressive props in the movie are Jessica Alba's ta-tas. Seriously, was this movie made in the '70s? Was the budget under $100,000? I think the studio spent more money promoting this turd than actually making it. I'm not sure that the special FX in this could be worse. I want to deliver a flying double-knee kick to the director's chest. Maybe I will. Also, the soundtrack is seriously pissing me off. It's the worst kind of annoying frat boy pop rock. This movie is none's the cool. OK, I'm tired of typing and this should be enough to satify your Balls on Fire fix. You're welcome. End communication.

Why I Love Bill Maher

I love Bill Maher even more than I love Wayne Rooney, and it's not because he's hotter; neither of them are going to win any Chippendales sexy man meat contests. I love Bill because he writes shit like this about our mo of a president. (You'll have to sit through a short commercial for The Wire to read the full article, but it's worth it. Why? A) Because the article is hilarious. 2) Because The Wire is one of the best shows ever. And C) Just do what you're told.)

Why I Love Wayne Rooney

Fresh off his ball-stompin' World Cup and earning a three game suspension in his very next match for an errant elbow, the Roonester is at it again. This time he punched Michael Gray, a star at EPL club Blackburn, in the face, giving him a black eye ... in a posh London restaurant. Fantastic.

American Politics

So, I was reading up on the new Argentinian contigent at West Ham, looking to contribute quality soccer content to the blog, when I noticed the following banner ad:

I don't know which thing about it makes me feel worse:

1. That picture (insert appropriate onomatopoeia here).
   
2. That the incentive offered for clicking on the ad is a free dinner for two to the Olive Garden. Awesome!

I love America. Final word = yikes.

Getting Naked In Vermont

"Nude teens taking it off and testing limits in bohemian Vermont town"

By LISA RATHKE
The Associated Press

BRATTLEBORO, Vt. – Public nudity isn't new to this bastion of bohemia, but it usually bares itself in more subtle places than the downtown parking lot. This summer, a group of teenagers has disrobed near restaurants, bookstores and the town's many galleries, igniting a debate about whether Brattleboro should ban a practice long tolerated until now.

"Brattleboro tends to be a laid-back town and pretty accepting of the unusual, but this is really pushing limits," said Police Chief John Martin. "It's clearly to outrage people, it's clearly rebelliousness."

By most accounts, the stripping started on a whim in early summer when a young woman sat naked on a park bench, Martin said. Then another woman started taking her shirt off downtown. A music festival promoting nudity and rebelliousness set up in May in a downtown parking lot attracted nude hula hoopers. Last month, a half dozen young people bared their bodies in a parking lot, encircled by the backs of bookstores, coffee shops and restaurants.

"It's just an act of freedom," said 19-year-old Adhi Palar. "We're just doing so because we can." Palar said he and the others "do not consider nakedness to be innately sexual or rude and it shouldn't be confined to that."

...."As soon as winter comes, there won't be a story anymore," said Town Clerk Annette Cappy.

To read the rest of this article, strip naked, then click here.

Crikey!

Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter, was killed by a stingray today during a diving expedition. No word on whether or not he was trying to stick his thumb up its butthole.

I joke, but this news seriously bummed me out. Irwin was so goofy and earnest that you couldn't help but like him. Plus, he taunted man-eating animals at every possible opportunity. Yes, his movie was a travesty. But the Croc Hunter was a badass.

Which is why it's so hard to believe that his killer was a stingray. That is bullshit! No punk-ass stingray is worthy of killing the Croc Hunter. This guy deserved to go at the hands of nothing less than a croc; a shark; a giant, poisonous snake; a bear; a tiger; a lion; or some mythological creature that is one half one of those animals and one half one of the others. That's it, that's the list.

Anyway, here's to you Crocodile Hunter. You'll be sincerely missed.

Apache

I'm totally stealing this from ESPN.com's Bill Simmons, but this is so good I had to share. Simmons has something called the Unintentional Comedy Scale. This video scored a 119 out of 100 on his scale, and for good reason.