An American Werewolf in Munich, Part 1

Prologue

Chicago. The Windy City. The land of inconsiderate "friends," who hold tux fittings during the Italy vs. Ukraine quarterfinal and marry each other during France vs. Brazil. And expect me to be in the wedding. And not an available DVR in sight.

Well, my (true) friends, this is your newly minted foreign correspondant Bishop MacNamara, reporting to you from Day 3 of my own personal Road to Germany. So far: a whirlwind. Let me give you some telling statistics.

• 1 last minute ticket (re)purchase to Chicago,
• 1 almost missed flight in Pheonix,
• 2 different beds in the Chicago-land area,
• 3 days with 1 shower and 1 change of t-shirt,
  
• 7 hours spent in the company of my traveling companion Kat to date, including
• 1 architectural boat tour on the Chicago River,
  
• 1 awesome quarterfinal seen, 2 to be missed, another yet to be seen,
  

and it's only going to get whirlwindier, I promise you that. Watch this space for the uproarious exploits of yours truly,

Your humble correspondant (almost) on the scene,
Bishop MacNamara

2 Down, 12 To Go

FIFA has announced that it has dropped referees Graham Poll, who gave a Croatian player two yellow cards, then let him hang around long enough to get a third, and Valentin Ivanov, who was at the helm of the Portugal v. Netherlands catastrophe. However, among FIFA's remaining 12 refs, is Markus Merk, who had a public spat with Australian keeper Harry Kewell, then awarded Ghana the phantom penalty against the U.S.

Hold on

I don't know why this is so fantastic, but it is. Trust me. Watch it.

Have You Seen This Man?

WANTED

For crimes against facial hair. If you encounter this man, contact Rudy's Barbershop immediately. Make no attempt to shave him yourself.

The Horror ...

That's What I Said!

I know this is a little stale now, but remember how I was lamenting how no one on the U.S. team would rip a shot and take a chance of making something good happen? Well, it turns out I'm a genius. This is from ESPN.com's Michael Davies:

Let's get a few things straight. The ref, Markus Merk, made a controversial call in awarding the penalty to Ghana at the end of the first half. Other refs, perhaps the majority of them, wouldn't have called it. But that isn't what decided the game, or the USA's World Cup. The most damning statistic of the team is this:

Of all 32 teams in Germany, the U.S. will finish No. 32 in terms of shots on goal with four. The next worse is Trinidad and Tobago with seven. Iran have 19. England, 21. Germany lead the pack with 27.

If you don't have a playmaker, you rarely get good service to the forwards; if forwards fail to get clear-cut chances, they can't shoot on goal; if you can't shoot on goal, you don't score; if you don't score, you don't win; if you don't win, you don't advance.

Portugal 1, Netherlands 0

By the 81st minute, it was just keeper against keeper, with all 20 other players having been sent off. Back and forth, the Dutch and Portuguese netminders punted the ball at each other. Finally, in the 87th minute, Dutch keeper Edwin Van der Sar was red carded for diving when he leapt to stop Portuguese keeper Alexandre Ricardo's punt from going into the net.

When Ricardo stepped up to take the penalty kick facing only an untended net, it seemed like Portugal's victory was assured. Yet, as he stooped to place the ball on the penalty spot, Ricardo was red carded for time wasting. Finally, the referee flipped a nickel to determine the winner. The coin landed on tails (giving Portugal the win) and was promptly red carded, having receiving an earlier yellow for not being a quarter.

Seriously though, what can you say about this game? It was sheer lunancy. From the early minutes, when Holland defender Khalid Boulahrouz viciously speared Portuguese midfielder Christiano Ronaldo in the thigh, this game was out of hand.

The Russian ref, Valentin Ivanov, was clearly out of his depth. Yet the players kept tempting his itchy-trigger finger with dives (Kuyt), headbutts (Figo), intentional hand balls (Costinha), rugby tackles (everyone), flying karate kicks to the chest (not sure who did it, but Arjen Robben was the victim) and everything else you can think of. It all added up to 16 yellow cards and four reds, both World Cup records.

Despite being up a man for large stretches of the match, the Dutch never could equal Portugal's early goal from Maniche in the 23rd minute. And, to make the night even more inexplicable, Dutch coach Marco Van Basten left Ruud van Nistelrooy, one of the world's great goal scorers, on the bench the entire game, as his replacement, Dirk Kuyt, flopped around like a fish out of water. Kuyt looks disturbingly like Anthony Michael Hall, yet displayed less of a finishing touch than the former Brat Packer.

They stunk up the joint yesterday, but I still wish the Netherlands was moving on. FIFA should step in and, for the good of the game, give Holland the spot in the quarterfinals currently occupied by Ukraine, who may be the worst team, most unwatchable team to ever make it this far.

Goal scorers:

Nuno Maniche (23'), Portugal (1-0)

BREAKING NEWS: Josh Bishop Fired Following Jet City Debacle!

U.S. Pretend Soccer Federation President Oliver Klosoff announced this morning that Balls on Fire Coach Josh Bishop has been relieved of his duties, effective immediately. Bishop's firing comes just one day after his team's disappointing 7th place finish in the Jet City tournament.

"We've just decided to go in a new direction," Klosoff told reporters at Monday's press conference. "But we'd all like to thank Josh for his service to the team and wish him well in his future endeavors as a dancer at whichever seedy, roadside strip joint he lands."

Balls on Fire entered the tournament with high expectations. "I thought for sure we would at least get a t-shirt," stopper/dipper Kris Ginthner said. But Bishop's questionable formations and tactics, coupled with the team's at times lackadaisical effort, made for a 1-2-1 record and an early exit.

Bishop's departure was hastened by swirling rumors that various team members, including midfielder Nick Stewart, were seen drinking alcohol on the sidelines during the consolation game. When asked to comment on the alleged drinking, Stewart said, "Der der," before punching a cameraman in the face.

ESPN commentator and LA Galaxy General Manager Alexei Lalas offered this blunt assessment of Balls on Fire's performance, "Thus ends one of the saddest chapters in American sporting history. They should all hang their heads in shame."

England 1, Ecuador 0

The deciding factors in this match were easily:
1) Ashley Cole's formidable tackle, which effectively prevented Carlos Tenorio from scoring an early goal for Ecuador, and
2) David Beckham's unworldly ability to drop the ball perfectly into the back of the net on a set-play, which today allowed him to score the match's only goal for England. Beckham's brilliant shot from 30 yards out made him the first player from England to score a goal in three World Cup tournaments. It also saved the Brits in the tourney. Somewhat miraculously, England now advances to a quarter-final match against Portugal.

Why a miracle? During the entire match England looked lethargic and discombobulated in the heat. Apart from the goal, Beckham of course contributed nothing. Lampard was somewhere out in the ether, missing several opportunities on goal. Gerrard made some minor offensive efforts, yet they were fruitless seeing the lack of cohesion throughout the rest of the team. Since England's midfield failed to coordinate offensively, the lone Rooney was disconnected from the majority of play.

Despite the weaknesses on the English side, Ecuador's heat advantage, and Ecuador's possession of the ball nearly 1/2 of the match, the South Americans just couldn't muster the kind of effort required to capitalize and advance to the next round. All in all, absent Beckham's beauty shot, I think this game was a dud. So farewell Ecuador, and good luck to you England. You're going to need it.

Will Balls show up tomorrow?

I ask you will we make history?

Or will Trickle sleep in after too much fire water?

Will Josh finish his mock SAT test?

Will Jake get off the computer?

Will Joel Bleach his hair?

Will Caleb score a million goals?

Will Stinky bring cupcakes?

Will we will we?????????

Add your remarks here peanut gallery!

Match 3 Scoresheet

The World Cup has shifted into high gear this week as Match 3 plays out for all teams in all groups.

Yikes! Four games a day! The staffers here at Balls on Fire barely have enough time to watch all these games, let alone keep you continously updated with our pithy yet insightful recaps. (Not to mention some games--*cough* U.S., Ghana *cough*--that need no more commentary whatsoever.)

So, in a rare move born of economy of time and word, here are the scores and scorers for the rest of this week's games.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Ivory Coast 3, Serbia & Montenegro 2

Goal scorers:

Nikola Zigic (10'), Serbia & Montenegro (0-1)
Sasa Ilic (20'), Serbia & Montenegro (0-2)
Aruna Dindane (pen 37'), Ivory Coast (1-2)
Dindane (67'), Ivory Coast (2-2)
Bonaventure Kalou (pen 86'), Ivory Coast (3-2)

Netherlands 0, Argentina 0

Goal scorers:

none

Iran 1, Angola 1

Goal scorers:

Amado Flavio (60'), Angola (1-0)
Sohrab Bakhtiarizadeh (76'), Iran (1-1)

Portugal 2, Mexico 1

Goal scorers:

Nuno Maniche (6'), Portugal (1-0)
Sabrosa Simao (pen 24'), Portugal (2-0)
Francisco Fonseca (29'), Mexico (2-1)
Omar Bravo (pen miss 58'), Mexico (2-1)

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Italy 2, Czech Republic 0

Goal scorers:

Marco Materazzi (26'), Italy (1-0)
Filippo Inzaghi (87'), Italy (2-0)

Ghana 2, United States 1

Goal scorers:

Haminu Draman (22'), Ghana (1-0)
Clinton Dempsey (43'), United States (1-1)
Stephen Appiah (pen 45'), Ghana (2-1)

Croatia 2, Australia 2

Goal scorers:

Darijo Srna (3'), Croatia (1-0)
Craig Moore (pen 39'), Australia (1-1)
Nico Kovac (56'), Croatia (2-1)
Harry Kewell (79'), Australia (2-2)

Brazil 4, Japan 1

Goal scorers:

Keiji Tamada (33'), Japan (0-1)
Ronaldo (45'), Brazil (1-1)
Pernambucano Juninho (53'), Brazil (2-1)
Gilberto (59'), Brazil (3-1)
Ronaldo (81'), Brazil (4-1)

Friday, June 23, 2006

Switzerland 2, South Korea 0

Goal scorers:

Philippe Senderos (23'), Switzerland (1-0)
Alexander Frei (77'), Switzerland (2-0)

France 2, Togo 0

Goal scorers:

Patrick Vieira (55'), France (1-0)
Thierry Henry (61'), France (2-0)

Saudi Arabia 0, Spain 1

Goal scorers:

Gutierrez Juanito (36'), Spain (1-0)

Ukraine 1, Tunisia 0

Goal scorers:

Andriy Shevchenko (pen 71'), Ukraine (1-0)

At Long Last!

The Coreys, back together again. From Salon.com:

The same people who brought you "Wife Swap" announced on Wednesday that their next project will bring together those irrepressible but mostly forgotten '80s teen heartthrobs, Corey Haim and Corey Feldman. The show is less reality TV than a "Curb Your Enthusiasm"-type comedy -- as Variety reports, "'The Coreys' picks up with Feldman living the comfortable suburban life with his wife Suzie and son, until circumstances bring his old pal Haim back into the picture. Episodes would follow Haim -- single and the total opposite of Feldman -- as he shakes life up for the Feldmans."

If you don't think this is newsworthy, either you have no soul or were born in 1990 or later.

Ginthner Missing Ingredient

Rumors abound that Balls on Fire man Kris Ginthner is responsible for the United States' men's soccer team's devasting loss to Ghana in the first round of the World Cup today.

Reports placed Ginthner on a plane returning from Mexico late last night, but the enigmatic personality failed to appear at a time of his country's greatest need. Fellow supporters of the USA were let down despite heroic, yet lonely, efforts to keep their team aloft sans Maestro Ginthemistergrandemax.

Only slightly less visible was US captain Landovan Donovan who has reportedly blamed Ginthner for his own disappearing act on the field in Hamburg. "I was worried when Dick and Snake called to say Ginny was a no-show. The thought that something had happened to my dear friend--a motorcycle accident perhaps, marring his perfect features--caused no end to my distraction on the pitch," said Donovan.

The lack of a good Ginthnerizing has resulted in a once promising US team being outed from the World Cup, but we must now put that behind us. The real question now is: Will Houdini Kris reappear? We can only hope, loyal readers.

Ryan Wallace MySpace Stud!

I happen to run across Mr. Wallace's latest post to MySpace and it is fantastic!

"SOCCER tournament come check it out!
Body: I am playing with my soccer team BALLS ON FIRE! come see us make a run to a championship. games are this saturday and sunday. Saturdays games are at 10:15am and 1:15pm both at field ..12. Sunday games are at 9am field ..11, semi's 11:30am field TBD, finals 2:15pm field TBD also i have a semi final game for my mens leauge team on saturday at 8 pm at the star fire complex behind bulwinkles family fun center.

directions to the tournament are as follows: take 405 N take exit NE 124th st, head East on 124th st to Willow Rd right onto Willow Rd then left onto Ne 116th st fields are on the left about a mile you cant miss it.

let me know if you are gonna come we always have a blast hanging out and the weather is supposed to be great so come work on your tan and cheer us on!!!!!!!!!!!!

thanks
Ryan Wallace"

Fuck you Trickle!

I read your mean nasty mean nasty blog and I spit in your general direction swine!

Here is my seat on top of the hill.

soo uhhh yeah

hi. no more ragging on me about not posting.
how much mad skrillz do you guys think jake should pay me to make his lazy, ben and jerrys, frozen waffle, eating ass dinner twice a week? discuss.

Paraguay 2, Trinidad & Tobago 0

Another inconsequential game I didn't watch. But it sounds like the T&T fought gamely. They didn't get a goal in this tournament, but their effort made them crowd favorites. If you want to know more about the game than that, read this recap.

UPDATE: I just watched this game and have nothing to add. Repeat, I have nothing to add. Carry on.

Goal scorers:

Brent Sancho (25' OG), Trinidad & Tobago (1-0)
Nelson Cuevas (86'), Paraguay (2-0)

Germany 3, Ecuador 0

Both these teams had secured advancement to the second round before this game began. That left them with two options: play their best 11 and go for first place in Group A OR rest their players with injuries and cards and take their chances against England in round 2. Germany elected for the former, Ecuador the latter. Thus, the lopsided result. Ecuador treated this game like a training session and got deservedly drubbed.

More interestingly, Miroslav Klose scored two goals, bringing his career World Cup tally to nine. Klose is a poacher. I, for one, can't remember him every scoring a particularly exceptional goal (nothing like Joe Cole's finish today). And, given all his strikes have come in the group stage, you could make the case that he is able to capitalize on the mistakes of weaker defenses, but lacks the creatively to beat the best organized back lines.

Nonetheless, Klose now sits just five goals behind another German, Gerd Mueller, the most prolific scorer in World Cup history. Ronaldo has notched 12 goals, but his current form doesn't suggest many more are to come. It will be interesting to see if Klose is able to add a few more goals this World Cup. Having just turned 28, he likely has another Cup (or two) in him and, if he can stay healthy, looks likely to break Mueller's record.

Goal scorers:

Miroslav Klose (4'), Germany (1-0)
Klose (44'), Germany (2-0)
Lukas Podolski (57'), Germany (3-0)

England 2, Sweden 2

With this tie, England finishes atop Group B and avoids Germany in Round 2. Yay! Too bad the Brits still looked awful shaky at times, lost the win in the 90th minute and, far worse, watched Michael Owen crawl off the field less than a minute into the game. There's no official word yet, but it sure looked like a knee injury that would put Owen out of the tournament.

That leaves England with just three strikers: Peter Crouch, who is big, but limited; Wayne Rooney, who looked better today, but who is not yet in peak form and who hasn't scored in an England jersey in a while and; Theo Walcott, who may be really good, but no one knows because he is totally untested. For a team that has lacked creativity and struggled to score goals already, this is bad news. I predict England beats Ecuador in the next round, then gets bounced in the quarterfinals.

Oh yeah, Joe Cole had an absolutely sickening goal in the first half. Maybe Sven-Goran Eriksson should move him up front with Rooney. Or, give Walcott some run. If he's not good enough to play, he shouldn't be on the roster in the first place.

Sweden, meanwhile, was on the ropes in the first half, but totally turned it around in the second. Only a couple goal-line clearances and the woodwork kept the Swedes from building a big lead. They get the hosts in the next round, which should be a hell of a match.

Goal scorers:

Joe Cole (34'), England (1-0)
Marcus Allback (51'), Sweden (1-0)
Steven Gerrard (85'), England (2-1)
Henrik Larsson (90'), Sweden (2-2)

Poland 2, Costa Rica 1

Yawn. Nothing riding on this game, except maybe the jobs of the two coaches. But I don't care about that. So neither do you. But props to Poland for not getting shut out for a third time.

Goal scorers:

Ronald Gomez (24'), Costa Rica (1-0)
Bartosz Bosacki (33'), Poland (1-1)
Bosacki (66'), Poland (2-1)

Spain 3, Tunisia 1

This was a good test for the Spaniards. After their cakewalk against Ukraine, they found themselves down an early goal to Tunisia. Impressively, Spain never got frantic. Even when the game entered the final 20 minutes, and the Spaniards' dominance had yet to translate into an equalizing goal, they didn't panic and start smashing long balls into the box. They continued to knock the ball around, confident that their superior quality would eventually win out.

And it did, in a big way. Spain got three goals in the final 15 minutes, with important contributions from substitutes Raul and Cesc Fabregas. It was a well deserved win, which puts them in the pole position for first place in Group H. The only problem the Spanish have is deciding who among their surplus of talented attacking options gets the start in their next game.

Goal scorers:

Jaouhar Mnari (8'), Tunisia (1-0)
Raul (72'), Spain (1-1)
Fernando Torres (76'), Spain (2-1)
Torres (90' pen), Spain (3-1)

Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!

This Sunday, get ready for a royal rumble at 60 Acres! Acres! Acres!

It's Balls on Fire's Team of Destiny, Balls on Fire, versus Megan's Team of Pedophiles, Mr. Snappy! Snappy! Snappy!

It'll be 60 minutes of death-defying, electrifying, agonizing, pants-resizing, hypnotizing football action! Action! Action!

Hide the good china! Put the women and children to bed! Because Balls on Fire is going to punch Mr. Snappy right in the babymaker! Babymaker! Babymaker!

Petey the Sexual Harassment Panda

For no reason at all, sing along with me:

“Don’t say that,”
“Don’t touch there,”
“Don’t be nasty,” says the silly bear,
He’s come to tell you what’s right and wrong,
Sexual Harassment Panda!

Ukraine 4, Saudi Arabia 0

What's sloppy, embarrassing and lasts 90 minutes? No, not my lovemaking (that only lasts four minutes). The answer, of course, is this game between Ukraine and Saudi Arabia. Lots of frantic attacking, crappy defending (including a nearly spectacular own goal), even worse goalkeeping and a rain-slicked field made for a wildly entertaining match.

The only thing this game didn't have (besides suspense), was the ubiquitous flurry of quick-draw yellow cards. There were plenty of cards, but they almost all seemed to be well deserved. In fact, one of the yellows English referree Graham Poll handed out was for diving, the first time I've seen that in this World Cup. Makes me wish Poll could do all the remaining games himself.

Ukraine (nickname: "The Black Caucasians") could have won by a much wider margin, but they failed on several occasions in the first half when it came time for the final pass or shot (including one impossible miss from six yards out). I fail to understand how Andriy Shevchenko, as the only world-class player in this game, did not score at least three goals. The Ukranians' second goal, however, was an absolute bomb. The goal-scorer, Serhiy Rebrov, looked more surprised than anyone.

Other highlights included a Saudi defender clearing the ball off the line with his crotch and Mabrouk Zaid, the Amazing Saudi Arabian Goalkeeper With The Hands of Stone. I think Zaid made a poor choice by deciding to wear oven mitts instead of the standard issue keeper gloves. In the Saudis defense, the cold and wet conditions were to the Ukraine's advantage. I think we'll see much better stuff from Saudi Arabia the next time the World Cup is held in Death Valley.

Despite the final score, I don't think either of these teams is very good. I could be wrong about Ukraine, but the lopsided nature of this game seemed more about how much Saudi Arabia blows. But Tunisia is even worse, so Ukraine will in all likelihood advance, along with Spain. Even better for them, the second place finisher in this group plays the winner of Group G, which will be either France, Switzerland or Korea Republic, all of whom look exceedingly beatable.

One final note: throughout the game, the commentators were effusive in their praise for Ukraine manager Oleh Blokhin, both as a player and a coach. But they conveniently forgot to mention this recent comment from Blokhin regarding black players in the Ukraine:

“The more Ukranians who play in the national league, the more examples for the young generation. Let them learn from a Shevchenko or a Blokhin and not from some Zumba-Bumba whom they took off a tree, gave him two bananas and now he plays in the Ukrainian league.”

Goal scorers:

Andriy Rusol (4'), Ukraine (1-0)
Serhiy Rebrov (36'), Ukraine (2-0)
Andriy Shevchenko (46'), Ukraine (3-0)
Maksym Kalinichenko (84'), Ukraine (4-0)

Switzerland 2, Togo 0

Togo got totally hosed when the ref missed a blatant PK call in the first half. How bad has the refereeing been in this tournament? Missed penalties, missed goals and, most of all, a plague of unnecessary yellow and red cards.

The truth, however, is that the Togolese have only themselves to blame as they scuffed some good chances in front of goal. And, down a goal and essentially needing a win to avoid elimination, they still refused to throw caution to the wind and send more players forward. Someone should have told them that goal differential doesn't matter when you're in last place. Where was the urgency? Their suicidal clinging to their original gameplan and stubborn unwillingness to adapt to the reality of the situation reminds me of something...oh yeah, the Bush Administration's war in Iraq. The Swiss got the clincher in the 89th minute regardless.

Togo's legacy in this World Cup, unfortunately, will likely be the drama surrounding the pay dispute. First, the coach quit. Then he returned. Then the players threatened to boycott the game against Switzerland if they didn't get a ludicrous raise to $200,000 per player for the tournament. This for a country where the per capita income is less than $1,000. Nice going, guys.

The Swiss, for their part, are disciplined, precise, calculating. In other words, boring. After grinding out this win, they have four points and sit in a tie atop Group G with Korea Republic. That leaves France in third place with just two points and Togo bringing up the rear. A France win over Togo coupled with a tie between the Swiss and Koreans would leave three teams with five points, all potentially with the same goal differential. Not sure what happens them.

I'll be rooting for France and Korea Republic to win and advance. Not that I have anything against the Swiss people, per se. But their team is dull and one of their defenders looks like Sen. Joseph Lieberman. I'd rather see Zidane in the next round, thank you very much.

Goal scorers:

Alexander Frei (16'), Switzerland (1-0)
Tranquillo Barnetta (89'), Switzerland (2-0)

The Guardian's Take On American Fans at the World Cup

From The Guardian's look at American soccer fans in Germany:

Team USA had spent the two nights preceding the game at the local Ramstein airbase, along with the 55,000 US servicemen and -women stationed there (and possibly a few CIA guests on a brief stopover on their way to being disappeared into some shadowy eastern European prison with a relaxed approach to the Geneva Convention. You don't like to ask). Either way, there was a definite military flavour to Saturday's fixture. "We're representing our country," the US coach Bruce Arena had informed the media in advance. "We know [the soldiers] are watching us and following us." It's always so difficult to remember which results criteria mean the terrorists have won - will the enemies of freedom draw solace from a draw? - but there was certainly noisy jubilation in the streets that America's World Cup hopes had not been snuffed out as many expected.

Read the entire article ...

Japan 0, Croatia 0

I didn't watch this game, so I will leave it up to Josh or Nick to write a more detailed recap if they so choose. But, based on the highlights I saw, here's all you need to know about this match: Japanese keeper Yoshikatsu Kawaguchi made a game-saving stop of penalty kick from Darijo Srna in the 22nd minute. Both of these teams are technically still alive, although Japan would have to beat Brazil to have any shot of moving on. Assuming that doesn't happen (and it won't), Croatia can advance by beating the Aussies.

Goal scorers:

Oh, no they didn't!

UPDATE: I finally watched this game today and I have to give props to Croatia. At the end of the game they were playing with four strikers, going all out for the win. Nice to see, given how lamely some of these teams have gone out (e.g. Togo).

Brazil 2, Australia 0

Another win, another uninspiring performance from Brazil. After having Eric "Honor" Cantona tell us how the Brazilians play with such joy and love and flair, it'd be nice to actually see it. Australia is not a great team (they were terrible for 85 minutes against Japan), but they played the defending champs closer than the scoreline would indicate. Goals came from Adriano, who is an absolute beast, and Fred, just Fred, who may have the best name ever.

It was another weak showing from Ronaldo. His weight is such a dead horse at this point and I won't beat it any further. But it is fair to wonder whether his continued insertion in the starting lineup (ahead of Robinho) is more about trying to get him the World Cup goals scoring record than him being the best available option. Why not bring Ronaldo in as a second half sub and let him put his limited energy reserves to best use? If Spain can bring Raul in off the bench, and Argentina can use Lionel Messi and Carlos Tevez as reserves, then Brazil can do the same with Ronaldo.

The good news for Brazil fans is that their defense, usually where they are most suspect, looked strong today and has yet to concede a goal. Brazil has secured their spot in the next round, but with teams like Argentina and Spain looking formidable, they are going to have to improve if they want to add a 6th trophy to the case.

Goal scorers:

Adriano (49'), Brazil (1-0)
Fred (90'), Brazil (2-0)

France 1, Korea Republic 1

The title probably should read France 2, Korea 1. France was already up 1-0 (their first World Cup goal since the 1998 final) when Patrick Viera had a powerful header swept out of the goal by Korean keeper Lee Woon-Jae. Replays showed the ball crossed the line, but the ref didn't see it. So, tough titties. Would that second goal have clinched the game for the Les Bleus? Possibly. But if there is one team in this tournament that you can guarantee would never quit, it is the Koreans.

No matter, it didn't count and in the second half, Korea took it to the French. They showed the speed and intense workrate that made them the darlings of the 2002 Cup. Finally, with 10 minutes to go, they got the goal the deserved. France now has just two points and faces a must win game versus Togo. Even worse, French maestro Zinedine Zadine received a cheap yellow card in the 85th minute -- his second of the tournament -- which puts him out of the game against Togo. Given that Zizzou has announced his retirement following the World Cup, France needs a win in their next match or we might have seen the last of this singular footballing genius. And that's a loss for fans of any country.

Goal scorers:

Thierry Henry (9'), France (1-0)
Ji-Sung Park (81'), Korea Republic (1-1)

USA 1, Italy 1

After producing the lamest performance this side of Serbia & Montenegro in their opening game, how would the Americans respond against Italy? With an inspired performace that restored their credibility as an up-and-coming soccer power and helped produce the most exciting game of this World Cup!

The Americans looked fired up from the get go, a stark contrast to their sluggishness against the Czech Republic. They moved the ball with pace and tackled with aggression. They had the Italians on the defensive ... until, against the run of play, Italy scored with a flashing header off of a free kick. Would this be a repeat of the Americans' 3-0 loss to the Czechs, in which they folded like a tent after allowing an early goal?

No! The Americans quickly regrouped and continued to press the attack. They finally leveled the match when Italian defender Jeff Agoos, er, I mean, Christian Zaccardo, shinned in an own goal. It was no less than the Americans deserved. Then, just a minute later, Daniele De Rossi was sent off for smashing his elbow into the face of USA forward Brian McBride. It was an ugly incident and it left McBride bloodied. Of course, the match doesn't begin for McBride until he's suffered a massive headwound. Up a man, and dominating the play, it looked like the three points were there for the Americans to take.

Then, disaster. Pablo Mastroeni slid into the ankle of Andrea Pirlo (haha, you have a girls' name) studs first and was sent off. According to some informal polling I did at the bar, 7 out of 10 Americans feel this was too harsh a decision from referee Jorge Larrionda (see Meat.Loaf's post for more on him). I, however, think it was reasonable. Mastroeni's tackle was the kind that break ankles and, given the Americans' superior numbers at that point, was foolish.

Despite being back on the level terms, the Americans continued to look the sharper side. Unfortunately, just minutes after the start of the second half, referee Larrionda, having just received a big cash payoff from Italian goalkeeper Gianluigi Buffon, awarded a second yellow -- and thus subsequent red -- to defender Eddie Pope for a harmless challenge. If Larrionda hadn't screwed us by dismissing Mastroeni, he made up for it by banishing Pope to the locker room.

Now, down to 9, the USA had to change tactics and drop more players into defense. The objective, it seemed, was now a tie and the chance to fight another day. It made for a nervy second half, as the weary Americans bunkered around their penalty box. The Azzuri were able to penetrate the Americans' half without opposition and sent wave after wave of attackers at Uncle Sam's goal. But, this day, the Americans were not to beaten. They bravely repulsed every attack and, when the whistle finally sounded, had earned the draw that would keep them in contention.

Now, if Italy beats the Czech Republic (allow me to go on record and say they will), the Americans can take care of business by beating Ghana. Of course, as we saw from the Ghanaians' win yesterday, that will be no small feat. But, if the USA can muster a repeat performance like this one, it will be on to the second round and look out Brazil.

Goal scorers:

Alberto Gilardino (22'), Italy (1-0)
Christian Zaccardo (27' OG), Italy (1-1)

Ghana 2, Czech Republic 0

A huge game for not just these two teams, but the USA as well. A win by the Czechs and the USA would need to win out and hope for Italy to lose out. A win by Ghana and the Americans still had hope of advancement with only four points. It was a nervous moment, but the Ghanaians wasted little time before serving to ease my fears.

Ghana scored just 90 seconds in and thoroughly dominated the game from then on. They made the Czechs look slow and old, which they are. If not for some poor finishing (including a missed penalty), Ghana could have won by six or seven goals. As it was, they added a second late in the game, at this point playing up a man and getting into the Czech's penalty area with ease.

Many pundits are calling this the biggest upset of the World Cup so far. I disagree. Yes, the Czechs are #2 in the FIFA rankings, but we all know how meaningless those are. And I think their dominant performance against the USA was more to do with the Americans than the Czechs. Ghana, meanwhile, were said to be the best team in Africa. After seeing how good the Ivory Coast is, that's saying something.

Goal scorers:

Asamoah Gyan (2'), Ghana (1-0)
Sulley Muntari (82'), Ghana (2-0)

Portugal 2, Iran 0

Just watched this game, but never really got into it. Kinda like Iran, who seemed to spend much of this match watching Portugal play, never really getting into the game.

Not that Portugal was especially exciting. Christian Ronaldo is quite the fancy-pants, but his first World Cup tally came not as a result of his slick one-on-one play, but rather a penalty earned by Luis Figo. Underwhelming performance, but enough to secure passage for Portugal to the second round and for Iran back home.

Goal scorers:

Anderson Deco (63'), Portugal (1-0)
Cristiano Ronaldo (pen 80'), Portugal (2-0)

Mexico 0, Angola 0

Ummm...didn't watch this. Sounded boring.

Goal scorers:

Cero

Bravo, sir, Bravo!

Before I go to bed, allow me to congratulate Josh on his first art show. My hat is off to you, my good man. So now you know why if he starts wearing tight black pants, chain-smoking and bemoaning the absurdity of our existence with a tired sigh.

Netherlands 2, Ivory Coast 1

I haven't really bought into Group C's rep as the infamous 'Group of Death,' especially since Serbia & Montenergo proved to be a total dud. (Personally, I think Group E has proven more difficult.) But I might be willing to admit that, just maybe, Argentina, Holland, and the Ivory Coast are good enough by themselves to earn their group this dubious honor. And certainly, I am saddened that a team as good as the Ivory Coast must go out in the first round.

The game paralleled many aspects of the Ivorians' previous match with Argentina. Again, the African standouts go down 2-0 before earning back a single goal of their own. And as then, they failed to capitalize as their opponents did. Didier Drogba is a fearsome striker, but so is Ruud Van Nistelroy, and his goal and Van Persie's excellent free kick gave the Netherlands their ticket to Round 2.

Goal scorers:

Robin Van Persie (23'), Netherlands (1-0)
Ruud van Nistelrooy (26'), Netherlands (2-0)
Bakari Kone (38'), Ivory Coast (2-1)

Keepin' it real. Colbert strikes again.

just click here to view the clip.

Argentina 6, Serbia & Montenegro 0

Really the scoreline says it all. If Spain's drubbing of Ukraine was impressive, then Argentina's shellacking of Serbia & Montenegro was 1.5 times so. Sure, S&M mailed it in, but mostly due to the lambasting they were subjected to in this game.

Argentina takes the top of our favorites list here at Balls on Fire with this performance. Featuring one of the best combination goals of the tournament, outside of the aforementioned Spain-Ukraine game, this game also saw the World Cup debut of Lionel Messi. A goal and an assist within 15 minutes, eh? Kid's pretty good for an 18 year-old. Pretty damn incredibly amazing good, him and his team.

(This recap is endorsed by Maradona for President. Of anything.)

Goal scorers:

Maxi Rodriguez (6'), Argentina (1-0)
Esteban Cambiasso (31'), Argentina (2-0)
Maxi Rodriguez (41'), Argentina (3-0)
Hernán Crespo (78'), Argentina (4-0)
Carlos Tevez (84'), Argentina (5-0)
Leo Messi (88'), Argentina (6-0)

Mine Eyes Have Seen the Glory!

So, I was on the Eurosport website, checking out the other colors of Tunits. I was learning towards these two, most likely the white ...


...when I saw the special World Cup Tunits. Nearly every country has their own. There's Australia (yes, that's the Sydney Opera House on the side of the boot) ...

...Italy...

...the Netherlands, which would be totally sweet if they didn't say "Totaal Voetbal" on the back...


...Korea, which are hilarious...

...Sweden, which are ugly as hell, but have a kickass viking helmet on them...

...and I was thinking that I might get the Dutch ones, but then I saw it, the USA Tunit boot, with Uncle Sam in all his glory on the side and a bald eagle and the first few sentences of the Declaration of Independence printed inside the shoe...


...I mean, c'mon, is there anyway I cannot by this boot? I don't even think it's a choice. I feel it is my duty as a patriotic American to possess it. Uncle Sam on my shoes? It's so wonderous I can barely believe it's true. God bless America!

Rumor and Hearsay. I love it.

I heard through the grapevine that the USA/Italy ref, Jorge Larrionda of Uruguay, may be "investigated" for his poor officiating today. However, I can't find anything on the web to verify it. Regardless, you should know that 'ole Jorge has a history of making bad calls, some of which resulted in his prior suspension.

Sweden 1, Paraguay 0

Wowza! What a finish!

Let me tell you a little story about this game. In about the 85th minute, I was complaining to Snake that players often head long crosses from terrible angles rather than across the goal mouth, which is all in all the more dangerous ball. Also around this time, I was exhorting Swedish striker Marcus Allbach, who replaced struggling star Zlatan Ibrahimovic at halftime, to do something with just one of the many chances he was getting in the six-yard box.

Not 5 minutes later, a frantic Sweden acted on my prescient thoughts. Allow me at this point to quote from ESPN Soccernet's post-game report:

Finally, salvation arrived with two minutes left for the Swedes, thanks greatly to substitute Johan Elmander who delivered a peach of a cross to Allback at the far post.

He chose wisely to head back across the six-yard box rather than go for goal himself and there was Ljungberg arriving in the nick of time to direct a header into the net.

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Goal scorers:

Fredrik 'Freddy' Ljungberg (89'), Sweden (1-0)

England 2, Trinidad & Tobago 0

For about an hour after England's defeat of Paraguay, the story in Group B was the hugely hyped but largely uninspired England winning on a lone own goal. That was, however, until tiny and determined T&T drew heavily favored Sweden 0-0.

It looked here as if Trinidad might repeat their previous achievement. England failed to press the advantage of their overwhelmingly talented squad for over 80 minutes. Peter Crouch looked no sharper than a bowling ball, botching wide open chances on several occasions. His striking partner, Michael Owen, buzzed around for the better part of an hour accomplishing nothing. Frank Lampard was prepared to shoot on goal from just about anywhere in the offensive third, without actually shooting the ball on goal.

All's well that ends well for England, though, as the need for a goal and a win finally began to bring the side out of their stupor. Wayne Rooney's appearance also seemed to bolster England, and good late goals from Crouch and Gerrard clinched their spot in the Round of 16.

Ecuador 3, Costa Rica 0

As a course of professional pride, I would like to assert that I saw this game. Ethical concerns, however, force me to admit that I did not. Excitement abounds in Ecuador, I am sure, while sadness reigns in Costa Rica. Once again, a CONCACAF team loses. The US really does need to schedule better competition.

Goal scorers:

Carlos Tenorio (8'), Ecuador (1-0)
Augustin Delgado (54'), Ecuador (2-0)
Ivan Kaviedes (90'), Ecuador (3-0)

Way to go, lads!

ESPN.com writer Michael Davies, who was at the USA v Italy game today:

OK, there was the Miracle on Ice, but name me any other more outstanding underdog clutch performance by a U.S. team in modern history?

An incomparable performance by the national team in the modern era. And listen to those fans. Football just arrived in America I think, the players and fans played and cheered with the true passion of a footballing superpower. The U.S. may not win this World Cup, they may not even qualify for the next round, but this performance continues to lay the groundwork for the future. In fact, watching the performance of those players lifted in communion with their fans, I think they just completed the basement and the first five floors.

Representin'

With Mexico's tie today against Angola, the four CONCACAF teams (USA, Mexico, Costa Rica and Trinidad & Tobago) are a combined 1-4-2. Clearly, this group is not up to the level of the South Americans or the Europeans. The U.S. needs to start scheduling some teams outside our region to try to raise our game.

Outing Josh

Josh got an 800 on the math portion of the SATs.

He went to math camp.

His IQ is 135+.

Yet he spends him time hanging out with us and posting to this blog.

A Tip For All You Ladies

Hey ladies, a note of caution. Should you ever be approached by one Bryce J. Smith, offering to set up your brand new DVR cable box, be not swayed by his confident tone. For he shall fuck it up, and you will not have World Cup soccer to watch, or Sex & the City, or any other program you happen to care about. Turn him away.

End of show.

Germany 1, Poland 0

I have to say, I feel bad for Poland. They played a completely different game than their last, the 2-0 loss to Ecuador. They showed determination and heart and came up with zero points to show for it. At no point did I really think that Poland would beat Germany, especially after going down to 10 men, with Sobolewski getting a two-yellow red card in the 75th minute. But I did find myself hoping they would pull off the tie.

Germany, on the other hand, did what top teams do: they found a way to win (see England, Brazil). It's hard to tell if this trait will continue to serve them this well in the later stages, but for now, it's almost definitely put them into the second round.

Goal scorers:

Oliver Neuville (90'), Germany (1-0)

Saudi Arabia 2, Tunisia 2

Not much to say about this game. There were some good goals, but not a lot of sparkling play. Saudi Arabia was better, more assertive and dictated the game, but a Tunisian goal in the last minute prevented them from getting the three points. With Ukraine's destruction at the hands of Spain, second place in this group is up for grabs. The Saudis look the more likely side to snag it.

Goal scorers:

Zied Jaziri (23'), Tunisia (1-0)
Yasser Al Kahtani (57'), Saudi Arabia (1-1)
Sami Al Jaber (84'), Saudi Arabia (2-1)
Radhi Jaidi (90'), Tunisia (2-2)

Spain 4, Ukraine 0

Holy Christ on a Cracker! In the performance of the tournament so far, featuring the goal of the tournament, Spain routed the Ukraine. The Spainards were all over the pitch, seemingly impervious to the heat. They showed individual flair on the ball and exciting combination play. Yes, the Ukraine played most of the second half with 10 men. But the game was already over by that point. Then, once the game was out of reach, Spain brought in its scrubs ... guys like Raul and Cesc Fabregas. Andriy Shevchenko did nothing, but I think that's less his fault than a failure of his support players to get him the ball.

I would still put my money on Brazil to win it all, but Spain might now be a close second.

Goal scorers:

Xabi Alonso (13'), Spain (1-0)
David Villa (17'), Spain (2-0)
Villa (48' pen), Spain (3-0)
Fernando Torres (81'), Spain (4-0)

Brazil 1, Croatia 0

The defending champs and prohibitive favorites finally took the field. And, while they showed some of their singular brilliance, it was by no means a dominant effort. Croatia looked dangerous, but just couldn't finish. Perhaps that's what separates the best teams from the merely really good. The Croats simply didn't have anyone who could match Kaka's rocket into the side netting. Ronaldinho was predictably awesome. Ronaldo was fat, slow, lazy and, other than one shot from distance that skyed over the crossbar, invisible (which is impressive given his girth).

Goal scorers:

Kaká (44'), Brazil (1-0)

France 0, Switzerland 0

It has now been 8 years since France has scored a goal in the World Cup. The French had way more talent, but could do nothing with it. The U.S. looked cohesive compared to these guys. The Swiss were somewhat unlucky to not get the win, failing to convert three times from inside the 6. Zidane still kicks ass, but it's wasted with these bums.

South Korea 2, Togo 1

This was one of those fun games because it matched up two totally random countries. I was only dimly aware that Togo existed until about a week ago. South Korea were the favorites, having reached the semis four years ago, but Togo got the early lead with a cracking goal from Kader Mohamed. But the game turned early in the second half when Togo went down to 10 men. South Korea scored on the ensuing free kick and added another about 20 minutes later. Good effort from Togo, even better win for Korea.

Goal scorers:

Kader Mohamed (31'), Togo (1-0)
Chun-Soo Lee (54'), Korea (1-1)
Jung-Hwan Ahn (72'), Korea (2-1)

Play Nice, Ladies

Netherlands striker Robin van Persie has verbally bitch slapped teammate Arjen Robben. Depending on who you ask, Robben was either the hero of the Netherlands 1-0 victory over Serbia & Montenegro, an unstoppable force with the ball at his feet who singlehandedly shredded the Serbs' stingy defense. Or, to some like van Persie, he was a shameless ball hog who hurt the Dutch team by refusing to give the ball up. Here's what van Persie had to say:

"He needs to take his team-mates into account. Sometimes he makes choices that are good for him and not for the team.

"We need to realise we are in this together. We had several chances against Serbia but against the really big countries you maybe get one chance.

"In that situation you have to make the right choice. He can't do it on his own."

Italy 2, Ghana 0

This game showed a more offensive-minded Italy than we've seen in recent World Cup appearances. It paid off here, as they won comfortably in the end, but more thanks to a crucial error in Ghana's defence than any real domination at either end of the field.

Italy was, of course, the better team, but Ghana looked dangerous as well and threatened late to tie the game. A good game, and difficult to say how the USA will deal with either of these capable opponents.

Goal scorers:

Andrea Pirlo (40'), Italy (1-0)
Vincenzo Iaquinta (83'), Italy (2-0)

Czech Republic 3, United States 0

I had lots more to say about this game yesterday. 'Twas a black day indeed.

Since yesterday, much has been said by others (including the experts at Balls on Fire) about the failings of the home side. So it may be better to try and let the memory of this travesty fade, only hoping that it is not eclipsed on Saturday.

Goal scorers:

I said I didn't want to talk about it.

Australia 3, Japan 1

What a win for the Aussies. The first in World Cup history for them, in fact. Finding themselves down 1-0 to an early and awful goal that should never have been allowed, the Socceroos pour in three great goals in the last 10 minutes, winning 3-1 in a day full of firsts.

Tim Cahill struck twice for Australia, incidentally scoring his country's first ever goals in a World Cup. Fellow substitution Aloisi put the game out of reach in stoppage time.

Although this turn of events makes Aussie coach Guus Hiddink look a genius, Cahill, who plays professionally for Everton, is the caliber of player for whom such finishing is hardly a surprise. Japan's coach Zico, on the other hand, looks like he imparted a degree of Brazilian flair to his team but forgot to teach them how to finish. They could certainly learn a lesson from Australia in their game today.

Goal scorers:

Shunsuke Nakamura (26'), Japan (0-1)
Tim Cahill (84'), Australia (1-1)
Cahill (89'), Australia (2-1)
John Aloisi (90'), Australia (3-1)

Hope

Here's what I think is our best chance for advancement (because I don't think we're beating Italy):

Italy ties the U.S. and beats the Czechs: finishes with 7 points
The U.S. ties Italy and beats Ghana: finishes with 4 points
The Czechs (without Koller) lose to Ghana and Italy: finishes with 3 points
Ghana beats the Czechs and loses to the U.S.: finishes with 3 points

It's not likely, but it's possible. The Czechs are good, no doubt, but they are really banged up and perhaps Ghana's youth and energy can help them pull off the upset. If we tie Italy, they would need a result from their final game, meaning they would come out with their best against the Czechs. Unfortunately, I think the unlikeliest part of this scenario is the U.S. getting four points out of their next two games.

Why Not?

Why not the U.S., you ask. Because you stink on ice. That's why.

Preach!

I'm not going to comment on the U.S. game itself here, I'll leave that up to Bishop Mac, our Senior U.S. National Team Correspondent. But I do have to give some props to ESPN's studio crew of Eric Wynalda, Alexie Lalas and Julie Foudy. Often, former players are hesitant to criticize current players, but these three pulled no punches following the game. They called out the team as a whole for its lack of fire and urgency, and individual players (Onyewu, Beasley, Donovan and Reyna, in particular) for their mistakes and lack of Honor.

The consensus was that U.S. team didn't show up, played backwards all day long and simply didn't have the heart to seize the opportunity that this game presented.

Pull my finger!

Bruce has called a special meeting to discuss how sucky mc suck suck the US played! During the meeting Bruce was quoted as saying "pull my finger" several players collapsed in disgust!

aaarrrgggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Portugal 1, Angola 0

This game looked like it was going to be a blowout from the opening whistle. Portuguese super-striker Pauleta almost scored just 13 seconds in. He then did score in the 4th minute, to finish off an awesome run by 78-year-old Figo. But Angola pulled it together and played Portugal tough the rest of the way. They never looked much like scoring, but they weren't embarassed either.

Goal scorers:

Pedro Pauleta (4'), Portugal (1-0)

Highlight of the match: Before start of second half, the ESPN commentator said the capital of Portugal is Lisbian, before correcting himself.

Mexico 3, Iran 1

I don't have much to say about this game, mostly because I was rooting for both teams to lose. Mexico because they’re our most hated soccer rivals and got the final seed that could have gone to the U.S. and spared us such a brutal draw. Iran because it’s Iran, and their president says things like "the Holocaust was a myth."Although, after the game, when the Mexican players were tearfully embracing their goalkeeper, Oswaldo Sanchez, who's father died just a few days ago, my cold heart melted a little.

Goal scorers:

Omar Bravo (28'), Mexico (1-0)
Yahya Golmohammadi (36'), Iran (1-1)
Bravo (76'), Mexico (2-1)
Antonio Zinha (79'), Mexico (3-1)

Netherlands 1, Serbia & Montenegro 0

It was a stark contrast of styles as the Dutch, who employ a 4-3-3 and attack with three world-class strikers (Robben, van Nistelrooy and van Persia), took on the defensive-minded S&M. The Dutch got the win thanks to a goal and dominant performance from Arjen Robben. He was such a force in this game that his own teammates, despite the win, complained afterwards that he didn't spread the wealth.

S&M only conceded a solitary goal in 10 qualification matches. Not sure how many they scored though. They certainly didn't look too threatening today. In fact, according to my unofficial calculations, S&M had -1% of the possession. You'd think a team this bad in the flow of play would at least be good off set pieces, but they weren’t. Plus they flop as often as the South Americans. S&M, you’ve made the list.

Goal scorers:

Robben (18'), Netherlands (1-0)

Break-fast-at-6?

What do you punk ass fuckers think? Ham and eggs tomorrow? The Attic has 11 HDTV's and angry bar hands.

Ad Wizards

So adidas pays a buttload of money to sponsor the World Cup and freeze out Nike. Then, to capitalize on their advertising hegemony, they only come up with one ad -- and not even a new one, at that -- and run it over and over and over again until everyone is sufficiently pissed off. Plus, the ad is in Spanish and doesn't even show any soccer being played, just a bunch of dudes (albeit famous ones) standing around in a sandlot. How is this a good idea?

Let's Stop the Fussing and Feuding

There's been a lot of animosity on the Balls on Fire blog these past few days. Bishop has got sand in his vagina. Ginthner blew a gasket. And Snake is just an asshole. Enough is enough. We shouldn't be mad at each other. We should be mad at Nick. He's the douchebag here. Never forget that. He's the douchebag.

Wankers

Here's a pretty hilarious video montage. Who knew people could be this much worse at finishing than me? And some of them are top professionals to boot.



And when did we start punning on this thing? Stop!

Argentina 2, Ivory Coast 1

My ass hurts from that reaming I just took from Bishop Mac, but I'll still do my best to recap Saturday's final game for you. What can I say, I'm a hero.

Argentina is a World Cup powerhouse. Ivory Coast has no such pedigree. Yet many pundits expected this affair to be a clash of the titans and it did not disappoint. Both teams showed themselves to have the talent to advance into the late rounds of the tournament ... if they can make it out of the Group of Death first.

After a tightly-fought first half, Ivory Coast faced a harsh two goal deficit. They turned up the heat in the second half, notching one goal from relentless striker Didier Drogba in the 82nd minute, and had the Argentines on the ropes. But it just wasn't meant to be today. The Ivorians lived up to their billing as the dark horse in this tournament and, if their finishing had been a little better, could easily be sitting on top of Group C. This was the match of the Cup so far, but that's probably little consolation to the Elephants, who now face an uphill battle to advance to the knockout rounds.

Goal scorers:

Hernán Crespo (24'), Argentina (1-0)
Javier Saviola (38'), Argentina (2-0)
Didier Drogba (82'), Ivory Coast (2-1)

Fuck you.

That's why we're an indie publishing unit, because I just dropped the f*bomb on Snake for living up to his name. The "man" showed his true, cold-blooded colors today as he chose the comfort of the couch over his desperate teammates of Faun's Beard.

So what if plucky Trinidad & Tobago was in the midst of stealing a point from scintillating Sweden in the glorious environs of the World Cup? The harsh reality of this person's betrayal left his own team to the vagaries of a pathetic dirt field in North Seattle and a short-sided 8-1 drubbing.

Shame on you, Jake.

Preemptive Strike

Knowing that Josh intends to rightfully blast me in this space for bailing on the Faun's Beard game today, I am combining Bush's doctrines of preemptive war and slandering the character of people who expose your failings by going on the offensive. Josh Bishop raped an entire bus full of quadraplegic nuns. He was the second shooter on the grassy knoll. And it is his fault that Arrested Development was canceled.

Now, what were we talking about?

Sweden 0, Trinidad & Tabago 0

Don't be fooled by the score, this was a far more entertaining game than the morning's snoozer. Both teams came to play (England and Poland could take a lesson). Sweden is one of the more exciting teams in the tournament, with Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Henrik Larsson and Freddie Ljungberg all joining the attack. And they showed plenty of offensive prowess, but simply could not break through, despite playing a man up for nearly the entire second half. A combination of out-of-his-mind goalkeeping by Shaka Hislop and poor finishing by the Swedes enabled the Soca Warriors to steal the point. It was a spirited effort by the T&T and the result was well-earned.

Goal scorers:

Zippy

England 1, Paraguay 0

England trumped Paraguay, as expected, but not in the fashion anyone would have anticipated. The big losers in this match were not the Paraguayans, but the viewers. Sometimes a soccer game is just a dud, and this was one of those games. England looked flat and, despite controlling possession, was unable to mount any real convincing attacks. Their only goal came off a Paraguayan defender's head from a Beckham freekick. Instead, the Brits spend most of the match blasting errant shots 30 rows up into the bleachers. I'm willing to chalk this lame performance up to opening match jitters, because I am expecting far better from England.

Paraguay, for their part, showed no skill, flair or determination, only a determination to take dives and roll around in pretend agony. Midfielder Carlos Paredes was the biggest culprit, including one shameful display where he fell, got up, then decided to fall over again. It was a performance worthy of, if not an Oscar, at least a yellow card. Eric Cantona would not have been impressed. Paraguay now joins Mexico on my list of teams to root against.

Goal scorers:

Carlos Gamarra (3', OG), Paraguay (1-0)

Man of the Match: Mexican referee Marco Rodríguez for his immovable hair helmet.

We Are Watching the Sweden - Trinidad Game

Balls-on-Fire, a perenial thorn in the side of the mainstream media, once again scoops the slothful news giants with this in-the-moment update. It's still 0-0.

Politics of the World Cup

Meat.Loaf, this post's for you. A Balls-on-Fire foreign correspondant writing from Kentucky tips us off to an interesting editorial that puts the spectacle that is the World Cup into geopolitical context.

Read the full article...

The Naked Truth

Here's a great story from an American correspondant for ESPN in Germany. For starters, he describes getting head-butted at the opening game by a six year-old German kid in the wake of Lahm's incredible first goal. Read the whole article for more. Midnight soccer porn, anyone?

"Get ready to dislike America"

From an article in The Guardian, a British newspaper, describing how the US soccer team will not be plucky underdogs much longer:

Sooner or later the US will get spanked in this World Cup. But we are not talking here about New Zealand or Australia. Or even Cameroon or Nigeria. The US men's team is an overdog in embryo. A glance at the stats (pro-soccer in the US is already better attended than in most European countries while the grassroots game continues to explode) tells you that the US will soon be a soccer superpower. And when that happens this intensely patriotic country will - for the first time ever - have a men's sports team that can consistently kick international ass (the US women's soccer team has been doing it for years). And that's not going to be pretty. There'll be nothing 'plucky' about it. Just the brutal application of raw demographic power.

Read the full article ...

Ecuador 2, Poland 0

In perhaps a minor upset, Ecuador edged Poland 2-0. Poland, which has a history of starting slowly at the World Cup, looked uninspired and toothless. Goals from Carlos Tenorio and Agustin Delgado gave the South Americans the win and the early edge for the second spot in Group B. The Poles finally came to life in the waning minutes, twice hitting the, um, poles. But that's what they get for mailing in the first 85 minutes.

Goal scorers:

Carlos Tenorio ('24), Ecuador (1-0)
Agustin Delgado ('80), Ecuador (2-0)

Germany 4, Costa Rica 2

The host nation got the party started right with a mostly easy 4-2 win over Costa Rica. Miroslav Klose had a pair of goals, neither of which were as impressive as the strikes from Philipp Lahm and Torsten Frings. Germany was dominant, despite missing Michael Ballack. However, Costa Rica is one of the weaker squads in the Cup and they still managed to expose holes in the Germans' defense. Paulo Wanchope, with little help up top, cut through Germany's backline for two goals.

I'm not sold on Germany as a contender to win it all. But, based on Frings' 35-yard-strike of the controversial new adidas World Cup ball and the finally tally, I think we're in for lots of goals in this tournament, many of the spectular variety.

Goal scorers:

Philip Lahm (6'), Germany (1-0)
Paulo Wanchope (12'), Costa Rica (1-1)
Miroslav Klose (17'), Germany (2-1)
Klose (61'), Germany (3-1)
Wanchope (73'), Costa Rica (3-2)
Torsten Frings (87'), Germany (4-2)

Pearls of Wisdom from Marcello Balboa

Marcello: "I'm here with with German goalkeeper Jans Lehmann. Jans -- may I call you Jans -- how do you feel about the new adidas World Cup ball?"
Jans: "Me no like this ball. Grrr. Arrgh."

Holy Shitballs!!!

Our long, agonizing wait is over. Our empty lives finally have meaning. It's World Cup day, boys and girls!

In Honor of The World Cup...

...some highlights from The Onion's soccer archives:

MLS Free Agent Holding Out For Money

November 10, 2005 |

DALLAS—Carlos Ruiz, a veteran forward who has played the last three years with Major League Soccer's FC Dallas, has announced that he will hold out on any contract offer that does not include some mention of monetary compensation. "I realize that [soccer] in America is still in its infancy, and I do appreciate the free socks, orange slices, and Powerade," Ruiz said of the 10-year-old MLS's hesitancy to offer him cash in return for his services as a player. "But I no longer want to be sleeping on fans' couches, hitchhiking to and from games, and finding people to buy me a meal every now and then. That's fine for rookies, but I've proven myself on the field, and I think that's worth a few thousand bucks a year." FC Dallas has asked the league to intervene, saying that actually paying Ruiz with money would put them over the $1.2 thousand MLS salary cap.

Your Horoscope

By Lloyd Schumner Sr.
Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer

September 8, 1999 |

Libra September 23 - October 23

You begin to show signs of a natural talent for soccer, which is too bad, because soccer is for pussy-assed faggots.

Study: 86 Percent Of World's Soccer Stadiums Double As Places Of Mass Execution

Rooney Cleared to Play

Wayne Rooney has been medically cleared to play in the World Cup. Today, Rooney flew on a private jet from England's training camp in Germany to Manchester for scans on his broken foot. After receiving the go ahead, he hopped back on the plane and rejoined the team in Germany.

I wouldn't be surprised if Sven-Goran Eriksson sits Rooney for the first round, just to give him another week to complete his swift recovery. But, even so, it's a huge boost for England's chances. The only downside it that Rooney's return to the pitch might relegate Peter "The Robot" Crouch to substitute duty, a loss for bad dancing fans everywhere.

Sing Karaoke Damn It!

HANOI (Reuters) - In Vietnam, where karaoke is not only recreational but also business etiquette, failing to show your talent can cost you dearly.

Tien Phong (Pioneer) newspaper reported Wednesday that state oil monopoly Petrovietnam's financial arm PVFC ordered 21 officials to make "self-criticism" reports for not singing karaoke at a contract-signing ceremony near Hanoi Saturday.

At least eight department heads were facing suspension, said the newspaper, which also published a letter by the group of officials protesting the decision as unlawful.

"We all thought we had completed our company obligation and contributed to the success of the ceremony," the letter said. "We were only thinking of our family back in Hanoi, the kids and the wives waiting."

A company official said, "No one has been laid off yet but they have to criticize themselves for not participating in collective activities."

Let's all give a special Balls on Fire welcome to...

...our newest convert, Hardly Workin. Mr. Michael Ferguson ladies and gentlemen!

Ant world cup

The yellow-butts are definitely taking the tourney this year.

http://cellar.org/iotd.php?threadid=10935

That's why I get the big bucks

On SI.com today, Thomas Rongen, former Dutch National Team player and coach of four MLS teams, picks the Ivory Coast as his surprise World Cup squad. You'll no doubt remember that I've been picking the IC to bust out of the "Group of Death" for weeks now.

He also has this to say about the USA's chances:

Have faith, America

I truly believe the U.S. is going to defy the odds and advance from Group E. There are several reasons, but perhaps the most important is the leadership of head coach Bruce Arena, who always seems to find the right formula. The U.S. started off with a bang in '02 because Arena prepared a perfect game plan against Portugal. That's what he's known for -- finding the right tactics against individual teams. He has different systems for different games, and he'll shuffle players around and put them in different positions to capitalize on their strengths or opposing players' weaknesses. It will be interesting to see what he throws at the Czechs in that first match on June 12.

In Group E I'm picking Italy to win, as long as it doesn't start slowly. The U.S. will finish second -- the Czechs have too many injuries and they're somewhat predictable.

Read the full article...

To all you devil worshippers out there...

...Happy 6/6/06! Or, if you're not down with the Prince of Darkness, Happy 62nd Anniversary of D-Day!

So Glorious!

Some of you may have seen this already. But it's worth watching again. I've said before I would give three fingers to be a world-class player. I think I would throw in a testicle (seriously), to be able to do these moves.

Another American Conspiracy

The U.S. team apparently held a top-secret training match against fellow finalists Angola tonight. The players wore no numbers, but the media were able to tease a few details about the American squad from the Angolans:

• Claudio Reyna played, and was reportedly impressive.
• Tim Howard came on sometime in the second half.
• The rest of us Americans all look the same.
• Oh, yeah, and we won 1-0 on a goal from Brian McBride.

This report still leaves me nervous regarding the seeming lack of offensive variety from the U.S. side, but it's still a nice win against a team we should beat.

Places to watch the World Cup in Seattle

Take a look.

(I heart meta-blogging.)

Attack of the 50 ft. Robot

The strength of his hat-trick performance in England's 6-0 warm-up defeat of Jamaica on Saturday has apparently secured Peter Crouch a starting spot in the World Cup.

Snake and I had the pleasure of watching Saturday's game, made hilarious by Crouch's celebratory gyrations. Here are some of the videos popping up on the internet, documenting the phenomenon.

1. On the field:
   
   
   
   
2. At Beckham's charity bash:
   
   
   
   
3. In the hands of Englanders with too much time on their hands:
   
   

Enjoy!

I heart wikipedia.

Who else would provide a forum for random folks to catalogue every Simpsons episode??

WARNING: If you choose to click on the above link, proceed with caution (you may squander hours of your life) and enjoyment (it may be worth it).

Colbert's Commencement Speach at Knox

It's funny. Check it out here.

"Lioness in zoo kills man who invoked God"

KIEV (Reuters) - A man shouting that God would keep him safe was mauled to death by a lioness in Kiev zoo after he crept into the animal's enclosure, a zoo official said on Monday.

"The man shouted 'God will save me, if he exists', lowered himself by a rope into the enclosure, took his shoes off and went up to the lions," the official said.

"A lioness went straight for him, knocked him down and severed his carotid artery."

The incident, Sunday evening when the zoo was packed with visitors, was the first of its kind at the attraction. Lions and tigers are kept in an "animal island" protected by thick concrete blocks.


© Reuters 2006. All Rights Reserved.

Sports Illustrated's World Cup Power Rankings

SI just ranked all 32 teams in the World Cup. Check it out.

Briefly, the top five are:

1. Brazil
2. Germany
3. Argentina
4. England
5. Italy (uh oh)

As far as the rest of our group goes, the Czechs are #10, the USA is #11 and Ghana is #17.

Some surprises: the aforementioned Germans at #2 (higher than I would have guessed, despite the home country advantage); Mexico at #8, ahead of Spain; Ivory Coast at #13 (my pick to upset the Dutch and advance out of the Group of Death with Argentina); and 2002 semi-finalists South Korea way down at #22.

Read the full rankings...

Chewbacca Must Be Rolling Over in His Grave

Also watched Star Wars Episode III tonight. I know what you're thinking, that I'm a loser for watching all this TV on a Saturday night. Well, I was working, so back off. Anyway, as I was saying,I had seen it once in the theaters and thought it was pretty cool; certainly the best of the new movies.

But, on second viewing, it totally blows. The CGI is still cool, but the movie is so flat. The acting is terrible (the kid who plays Darth Vader runs neck-and-neck with the kid who plays Harry Potter for the Best Job Ruining an Awesome Role award). Which is hardly surprising, given what an afterthought the human actors are. The dialogue is ridiculous. It sounds like sci-fi Mad-Libs. The supposed love scenes between pre-Darth and Natalie Portman are vomit-inducing. And the editing is such that there's no tension or drama whatsoever. It's like Lucas was rushing from one cool special effect to the next. Plus, Portman never gets naked. What up with that?

In the words of Yoda, "Lick balls, this does. Wasted two hours of my life, I have."

Missing You, Stevie

Under Siege was on TV tonight. When Steven Seagal plucks out Tommy Lee Jones's eye with his thumb, then drives that knife straight down into the top of TLJ's head, right up to the hilt, I found myself thinking of what could have been. Why, oh why, did you have to sell out, Steven Seagal Blues Band? Why ...

World Cup TV Listings

Check out the TV listings. Nearly all the games are on ESPN2, which means we can't get them in high-def. Call Comcast and tell them to start offering ESPN2HD.

A Noble Truth

Just saw Al Gore's documentary, An Incovenient Truth. It's informative, shocking, funny, depressing, inspiring. And surprisingly, it's not at all preachy. You might learn a lot, you might just reconfirm what you already know. But whether you're a tree hugger, SUV-driving curmudgeon or just plain checked out on global warming, there is something in this movie for you. Go see it. And tell your friends. If you don't have any friends (Josh, I'm looking in your direction), see it twice.

Reminder

It's gotten buried beneath the poll, Ginthner's vanity shot and the rest, but you have to check out the William Shatner link. For real. For really, really real.

New Feature: The Balls on Fire Poll!

With the World Cup just one week away, it's time to pick the brains of the most knowledgeable soccer minds on the planet: the editors of Balls on Fire. This is the first of several polls that will appear on the site over the next week.

Keep watching this space ...

Late addition to US World cup squad!

Slow and old Ginthner promises little to World cup bid.

ESPN's Take on U.S.'s Starting 11

From Jeff Bradley's blog on ESPN.com:

Who's going to start for the U.S. vs. the Czech Republic, and will we see any surprise insertions like DaMarcus Beasley into the lineup?

Obviously, Kasey Keller starts in goal. No brainer there.

Along the backline, you have to believe that these three guys will start. Steve Cherundolo, Eddie Pope and Oguchi Onyewu. Will Eddie Lewis play left back to fill out a four? Will Arena go with three and heap more defensive responsibility on someone like DaMarcus Beasley, who seems to be struggling with his offensive form of late? Beasley had to defend a lot in 2002 and was always up to the challenge. I'll go out on a limb and make that my prediction. Cherundolo, Gooch and Pope in a three.

In the midfield, that leaves the U.S. with five, perhaps six, if Landon Donovan plays in the hybrid role, attacking mid/second forward. So, my guess today is going to be Pablo Mastroeni sitting deep, with Beasley on his left and Clint Dempsey favoring the right. Claudio Reyna in front of Mastroeni, with Donovan and Bobby Convey helping out.

And the one true striker will be Brian McBride.

OK, so sorting it out, it looks like this.

Keller

Cherundolo, Onyewu, Pope

Mastroeni

Dempsey, Reyna, Beasley

Donovan, Convey

McBride

Remember, this is just a guess, but I'm trying to base it a little bit upon what I've seen from Arena in the past. I think Arena likes the idea of having some of the young blood (Convey and Dempsey) on the field, for the fresh naivete they bring to the match. I also think he knows that Beasley is such a good competitor that he'll do just fine in a more-defensive-minded role. Though Donovan is listed as a midfielder in this set, Convey and Dempsey are going to be asked to join the attack, with Dempsey moving inside on occasion and Convey assuming more the role of a traditional left winger.

This lineup gives the U.S. a fair amount of defensive scrappiness (Mastroeni is like a fourth defender), while Dempsey, Beasley and Convey, all kids, should be among the fittest players on the team, which will enable them to apply the type of pressure through midfield that the U.S. is seeking.

William Shatner, Rocket Man

You have to watch this. Seriously, click this now.

"I'm a rocket man. A rock. It. Man..."

Welcome to World Cup Month!

It's officially World Cup month! The first game kicks off in 7 days, 21 hours, 13 minutes and 55 seconds ... now 54 ... 53. A few injury notes:

• Czech Republic midfielder Vladimir Smicer has been ruled out of the tourney with a leg injury. The Czechs are banged up, old and more and more I'm beginning to think that they can be had. I still think Italy is the class of our group, but second place (and a date with Brazil in the next round) looks up for grabs.
• England defender Gary Neville is nursing a hamstring injury of his own. If he can't go, Jamie Carragher would be a more than adequate replacement.
• Sticking with the theme, Brazilian defender Edmilson is out the Cup with a knee injury. But Brazil is so stacked that they could stick me in at defense to replace him and still win this thing.