Happy Thanksgiving, Bitches!

Cars, Cardboard Cars.


On the mean streets of Seattle.

Are you there god?

Now, Jesus knows I'm no true believer. Yet even I was given pause this morning, after the events of last night, to open up my shades and, for the first time in weeks, see the shining sun and blue skies. It's like peace has returned to the shire.

Can you say, "Cut and Run"?

World's biggest pussy:

Another Reason Vermont Rocks

Vermont's Senate race between Bernie Sanders (I) and Rich Tarrant (R-boo) was called by the Associated Press one minute after polls closed. Sanders' win was the first race called today.

Listen! Do you smell something? It's change, and Vermont's stepping in it.

Megan's laminated list

1. Pauley Shore
2. Karl Malone
3. "Chunk"
4. Corey Feldman
5. "Booger"
   

Quick thought

Where did the idea for the Icecapades come from? Who thought movies and musicals performed by people on iceskates was a good idea. Seriously, this makes no sense to me. And right now it's really bothering me.

I could not be happier about this

From the New York Times:

The Rev. Ted Haggard, the former president of the National Association of Evangelicals and one of the nation’s most influential Christian leaders, admitted today that he had purchased the illegal drug methamphetamine from a gay escort in Denver, but denied that he ever had sex with the man.

Mr. Haggard resigned as president of the evangelical association and stepped aside as senior pastor of the New Life mega-church in Colorado Springs, Colo., on Thursday after Michael Forest Jones, a self-described former gay prostitute, accused him of having a sexual affair for three years and using the drug, commonly known as crystal meth, during those encounters.

Read the rest of this deliciousness.

From :( to :)

Just a short one since everyone seems to be posting nowadays. I am facing a crisis of identity. After three years of dreading each (work) day, I have accepted a position as an assistant attorney general. This means that instead of representing greedy companies fighting with other greedy companies, I will now be representing the interests of the Washington Department of Fish and Wildlife as well as the Washington State Parks.

All of this happened in a pretty short time, and as a result, I am in a period of transition. One of those moments where I have escaped my entrenched mindset and find myself free to consider life from a step back.

The reason for this post is just to remind everyone that they are the fascist dictator of a tiny little country called you land and each day has the potential to see your rebel forces fight to give freedom to your oppressed people. Viva.

P.S. I was going to change my monicker to "Workin Really Hard" but I can't figure out how.

Jake Likes Vermont Too Much

Seriously, the guy's been gone for weeks. The people want to know: When will Jake return? It better be triumphant AND glorious.

German Invasion?

As many have speculated, and many others (me included) have hoped, the U.S. Soccer Federation is in talks with Jurgen Klinsmann about his becoming the next coach of the national team. Klinsmann might soon be doing his sissy, prancing girl dance on America's sidelines.

This is a real ad in Colorado

I hope you're writing this down

I know you've all been waiting for it, so here, at long last, is my Christmas list. Please make sure to coordinate so that I get at least one of everything.

• Xbox 360 or Playstation 3, whichever is awesomer. Also, I'll need all the heli-cool games.
• Condo, minimum of 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms. Preferably in Capital Hill.
• Mac laptop, to replace the crappy Dell I'm writing on right now.
• Some fleece shirts, dark colors only.
• Flintstones chewable Prozac.
• Jeans that fit right.
• Good books.
• Movie star good looks.
• The size, speed and ability to play for Manchester United.
• Arrested Development brought back for season four.
• The Simpsons canceled before we forget how good it once was.
• All the girls on My Super Sweet 16 sterilized and forced to work hard labor. Their parents arrested for child abuse.
• A few days off.
• A Democratic sweep of the House and Senate that is not followed by the Dems immediately fucking it up with sex scandals, corruption, incompetence or arrogance.
• A panel of psychologists/psychiatrists/analysts/therapists/analrapists from Vienna to figure out what's wrong with me.
• World peace or, if world peace is not available, an end to the war in Iraq.
  

More to come ...

What's grosser than gross?

By The Associated Press

TACOMA, Wash. -- A Spanaway man believed to be the first person in the state charged under Washington's new bestiality law bailed out of the Pierce County Jail this morning.

Pierce County prosecutors say 26-year-old Michael Patrick McPhail was caught by his wife on Wednesday night having intercourse on the back porch with their four-year-old female pit bull terrier. The wife took photos with a cell phone and called police.

Pierce County sheriff's spokesman Ed Troyer says "There's pretty clear proof what happened to this dog." McPhail was arrested that night. Charged with animal cruelty, he could be sentenced to a year in jail ifconvicted.

The bestiality law took effect in June. It was prompted by an incident in Enumclaw where a man died after having sex with a horse.

Will Ferrell Earth To America

(I'm posting this b/c Kris couldn't figure out how to.)

i'm going to have to change my name

i'm not going to lie, i have more trouble than i should finding the button to click to create a post, though it's probably stopped me from making some drunken posts that would have reflected bad on my repuatation.

last few days in thailand and i'm going to make a list of things i've learned in thailand:

1. don't play connect 4 against hookers for money. they are litterally unbeatable, and they hustle you. i was in a bar at about 4 in the mornign and i'd talked all the rubish i had to talk, so we started playing connect 4, splitting the games about evenly. then she said 20 baht (50 cents) a game. i got hustled, i finally quit after 10 games, down 200 baht and have never done it again, ok that's a lie but i didn't let it get to 200 baht. it's kinda like that rule that the guy in that movie had about not playing poker w/someone who has a city for a first name, don't remember the movie.

2. don't get tattoos in a bathroom of a shady karoake bar full of hookers, you'll regret it in the morning, or if it is morning, you'll regret it when you sober up. ok, that was all a lie, do get tattoos in a shady karoake becuase you don't regret them in the morning. you regret not getting more. not going to go into too much detail on this now, the boy is still in the dark here so i'll post the pictures in due time.

3. the hose is the best invention ever, not just in the toilet industry, ever.

4. other than that, i don't think i've learned much so i'm going to talk a little more about hookers. going to the go-go bars and watching how competitive and manipulative the hookers are is amazing. if i go, i go w/people my age and the hookers see that we're not really there to bone them so they pretty much stay away, and head towards the fat europeans. these girls are truly pros. but they also try their best to steal each other's catch, it's tough to describe but good to watch anyway.

5. another one, if you're still awake at 7 in the morning, don't ride the garbage truck when it comes around, i made the mistake of doing this one time. ended up cleaning up some garbage and sharing my beer with the other garbage men, eventually they had had enough of me and told me to go over there now, not too close to where i started. and then it gets addicting, every time it's 7 in the morning and the garbage truck comes around you gotta jump back on, i'd say i've done it 4 times since and it doesn't get any better, it just looks so inviting with those handles on the back.

- that's probably enough for now, when i learn some more stuff, i'll let you know.

Aaaaaargh!

I am so sick of working! Goddammitcocksuckersonofabitchfuckfaceshitheadasshole.

We'll Fuck You Up

18+ Dance Party

Alright y'all. Just wanted to give everyone out there a heads up. If you expect to hang with me and Christina at the next totally sweet dance party, there are some expectations to be met. The video below is for instructional purposes, you know, to outline the parameters of those expectations.

Look What Nick Did!

And we thought he was useless! Read about how Nick mapped the mouse brain.

How's Your Face, Mr. Bush?

Wow, check this video out, an MSNBC editorial from Keith Olbermann. Pretty heavy-hitting.

To catch up those who've ignored the political press the last few days: Clinton appeared on Fox News last Friday and was sandbagged with the accusation that he let 9/11 happen because he was distracted by Monica Lewinsky. He got mad and--can you believe his nerve?--told the truth. Which is: He tried to warn the Bush Administration that Osama Bin Laden was determined to attack on American soil and was ignored. Now the right-wing press is not only blaming him for 9/11, but is also trying to ridicule him for his "outburst" on Friday as he defended himself from these false accusations.

So good ol' Olbermann has backed Clinton's play and it's pretty awesome. So watch.

Rat Attack

Yes, that is a rat. What's it doing, you ask? Nothing, just hanging out on the windshield of my car at a stoplight at 50th and Roosevelt. Turns out that Megan and I had driven most of the way home from Josh's totally unaware that that little fucker was stowed away on my car.

Thinking I would shoo him away, I put on the windshield wipers. This only succeeded in causing the rat to run up the passenger side of the windshield, sending Megan into conniptions. With the rat heading for the roof, Megan quickly slammed shut the panel to the sunroof. This was totally unnecessary, as the glass was already closed, but this was a panic situation and logic had nothing to do with it. The rat reemerged from the roof on the driver's side of the windshield, which almost led me to drive us off the road. He then scrambled back down over the hood and disappeared, presumably into the guts of my engine so he could chew on my car's expensive wiring.

Upon arriving at Megan's house, I sped down her street then slammed on the brakes, hoping to launch the rat out from its hiding place and into the road, where I could smush it up good. Two attempts at doing so yielded no signs of him. We then counted to 3 and simultaneously bolted from the car like two sissy girls. He was still nowhere to be found. So, after saying goodnight to Megan, I had the most skin-crawlingest ride home imaginable. And I now have a life time of public transportation and sleeping with the light on to look forward to.

I can honestly say, without hyperbole, that this was the worst thing that has ever happened, to anyone, ever, to anyone. And if anyone wants to buy a 2006 Mazda 3 with fewer than 5,000 miles on it, let me know.

Speaking of...Here's Some Sweet Revenge. Served Cold.

Yeah, who's this girly girl? And is that Maradona on that manly man's t-shirt?

Public Statement

I just want to take a moment here to say that I'm a little distressed by the large numbers of terrible, terrible pictures of myself being disseminated via the internet. Even if I am myself one of the disseminators. Or is it disseminaters...?

Enough! I command everyone to stop taking bad pictures of me. I will work on looking better. Meet me halfways, folks, that's all I'm asking.

Peace out.

Giving Kris a Run for His Money

I have a pretty good friend who recently posted the following bulletin on MySpace. I read it and thought, wow, she and Kris are, like, grammatical soulmates! Enjoy.

why go into the city for some fuckface infested bs scene disco with shitty cloned out
music when u can come party with chill kids like us.......................................................
oyessir shame on us*** !!the land is very sleepy
but tonite a very special last minute dance party @ K + M
in bk off the bedford stop :

+siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick jamz + sci fi // japanime visheees ///---///
+david x baby x bear x hugzzz
+captain kenfriend omg 3k wow aka k k k magikmafia

playing 77 / death punk / no wave / cold wave / dark wave / top of the pops / disko class x / black metal / tweee / minimal / synth / experimental / techno / happy hardcore >>
+ u know like whatevurrr

tonite bass in your motherfucking face

@ k + m

225 N 8th St ( X = roebling )

dark o clock > forever

It's pretty awesome stuff.

worst coup ever

i wish i had more to say but i really thought the overthrow of a government would be more exciting. school was cancelled for a day, i didn't know that until i'd got up at 6:45, had my huge cup of coffee and put on my darling, fairly-homosexual (not in the Josh way from the pictures) uniform and gotten breakfast only to realize i was one of about four people who hadn't gotten the message. that left me to playing video games for 6 hours instead of my usual 2 for the day.

no one has even mentioned it today, it's as if everyone knew except for whitey, the riot at university of maryland when they won the ncaa basketball championship was about 400 times more exciting. though just like when the tsunami happened i did end up getting a bunch of emails from people who never write so that was semi-exciting.

ok, quick new topic, espn asia is the worst channel in history. my only english channel abruptly switched from hbo to espn as it does sometimes. sportscenter is horrible but that's kinda expected, but all they do is replay epl games over and over. the arsenal-man u and chelsea-liverpool games have been shown twice a day since they happened. that's not counting the highlight shows. the only bright spot is they now have and1 on at 5. i hate to say this but if i only had one channel that i watched for all hours i was home, espn would be above the home shopping network and possibly pbs, probably not though. i end up watchign thai soap operas instead of it. there was bright spot, 2 baseball games on this morning and yesterday, both yankees games, the problem was, there were both a week old.

that's enough for now, i'm going to throw something at a tank and see if we can get some action going

god i smell, happy birthday boy, movies

thanks to the boy for posting the picture, i don't have anymore tattoos as far as can remember but then again i can't see everywhere on my body, for all i know i got drunk and got another, we'll never know.

i never realized how cool lou ferrigno was, i guess he was before my time. i had the tv on, tuned to the only english station i get, hbo. and i heard some woman say something about sinbad, i happened to be on the pot at the moment so i was behind the tv and i thought she was talking about sinbad sinbad, of "First Kid" fame. so i rushed through my business only to see this ridiculously jacked white guy fighting wizards and what looked like the foot soldiers from teenage mutant ninja turtles. needless to say i sat through the whole movie, it was truly amazing and then saw on the credits that the guy was lou ferrigno, i had no idea i was viewing such talent. even Raekwon has a line about acting like "Lou Ferrigno on coke" so he must be important.

another movie that was truly excellent and is probably required viewing for anyone who's parents just got divorced, that means you boy, is Surburban Madness. I'm pretty sure it a lifetime movie.

and for any keannu reaves fans, we we just required to watch Little Buddha in Thai Civilization class and guess who gives another fantastic performance as the Lord Buddha, none other than Bill or Ted, i can't remember which one he was.

so if you have any free time check these out, well worth the money,

happy birthday boy

The World's Greatest Tattoo

All hail my brother, possessor of the most fantastic tattoo ever conceived:

Why I'm Not Moving to Ballard

Ever seen that weird looking Church next to the Paradox in Ballard? Turns out it's creepier than you ever could have imagined.

Oh, the pain!

I know what you've been thinking Josh. You've been thinking, maybe Jake's too busy to post the photos of me in a skirt at the Rubik's Cube party. Perhaps it has slipped his mind, you hoped. Maybe I'll get away with it, you mused. Alas, I have merely been bidding my time, lying in the weeds, waiting for the opportune moment to strike, when your guard is down and my vile treachery will inflict the deepest wound. Now the moment is at hand. Have at you!





And just in case you're feebly considering posting the pictures of me in my red dress, I now do so myself, thus rendering you without riposte.

Jessica Alba's Naughty Fun Bags

That got your attention, didn't it, you sick pervs. Tonight Megan asked me if I had posted to the blog this weekend. I said no. That made me sad. So I decided to post a transcript of our conversation. That was it. The word "no," I mean, that was the transcript. Sorry if that wasn't clear. In my defense, I'm composing this message while working and watching Fantastic Four. It sucks. Fantastic Four, I mean. I'm only a few minutes in and I can already tell it totally sucks. Josh probably liked it though. He likes everything. He's the opposite of Mikey from the Life cereal commercials. Wouldn't that be interesting, if Josh hated Life cereal? Weird. Getting back to Fantastic Four, who casts the guy from The Commish as a superhero? Now I've lost the plot of the movie, what with all the typing. All of a sudden they're on a spaceship and I'm not sure why. Are they astronauts? I thought they were white-collar business types. The inside of the spaceship looks like a set borrowed from the old Star Trek television show. I wish there some snakes on this plane. The only impressive props in the movie are Jessica Alba's ta-tas. Seriously, was this movie made in the '70s? Was the budget under $100,000? I think the studio spent more money promoting this turd than actually making it. I'm not sure that the special FX in this could be worse. I want to deliver a flying double-knee kick to the director's chest. Maybe I will. Also, the soundtrack is seriously pissing me off. It's the worst kind of annoying frat boy pop rock. This movie is none's the cool. OK, I'm tired of typing and this should be enough to satify your Balls on Fire fix. You're welcome. End communication.

Why I Love Bill Maher

I love Bill Maher even more than I love Wayne Rooney, and it's not because he's hotter; neither of them are going to win any Chippendales sexy man meat contests. I love Bill because he writes shit like this about our mo of a president. (You'll have to sit through a short commercial for The Wire to read the full article, but it's worth it. Why? A) Because the article is hilarious. 2) Because The Wire is one of the best shows ever. And C) Just do what you're told.)

Why I Love Wayne Rooney

Fresh off his ball-stompin' World Cup and earning a three game suspension in his very next match for an errant elbow, the Roonester is at it again. This time he punched Michael Gray, a star at EPL club Blackburn, in the face, giving him a black eye ... in a posh London restaurant. Fantastic.

American Politics

So, I was reading up on the new Argentinian contigent at West Ham, looking to contribute quality soccer content to the blog, when I noticed the following banner ad:

I don't know which thing about it makes me feel worse:

1. That picture (insert appropriate onomatopoeia here).
   
2. That the incentive offered for clicking on the ad is a free dinner for two to the Olive Garden. Awesome!

I love America. Final word = yikes.

Getting Naked In Vermont

"Nude teens taking it off and testing limits in bohemian Vermont town"

By LISA RATHKE
The Associated Press

BRATTLEBORO, Vt. – Public nudity isn't new to this bastion of bohemia, but it usually bares itself in more subtle places than the downtown parking lot. This summer, a group of teenagers has disrobed near restaurants, bookstores and the town's many galleries, igniting a debate about whether Brattleboro should ban a practice long tolerated until now.

"Brattleboro tends to be a laid-back town and pretty accepting of the unusual, but this is really pushing limits," said Police Chief John Martin. "It's clearly to outrage people, it's clearly rebelliousness."

By most accounts, the stripping started on a whim in early summer when a young woman sat naked on a park bench, Martin said. Then another woman started taking her shirt off downtown. A music festival promoting nudity and rebelliousness set up in May in a downtown parking lot attracted nude hula hoopers. Last month, a half dozen young people bared their bodies in a parking lot, encircled by the backs of bookstores, coffee shops and restaurants.

"It's just an act of freedom," said 19-year-old Adhi Palar. "We're just doing so because we can." Palar said he and the others "do not consider nakedness to be innately sexual or rude and it shouldn't be confined to that."

...."As soon as winter comes, there won't be a story anymore," said Town Clerk Annette Cappy.

To read the rest of this article, strip naked, then click here.

Crikey!

Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter, was killed by a stingray today during a diving expedition. No word on whether or not he was trying to stick his thumb up its butthole.

I joke, but this news seriously bummed me out. Irwin was so goofy and earnest that you couldn't help but like him. Plus, he taunted man-eating animals at every possible opportunity. Yes, his movie was a travesty. But the Croc Hunter was a badass.

Which is why it's so hard to believe that his killer was a stingray. That is bullshit! No punk-ass stingray is worthy of killing the Croc Hunter. This guy deserved to go at the hands of nothing less than a croc; a shark; a giant, poisonous snake; a bear; a tiger; a lion; or some mythological creature that is one half one of those animals and one half one of the others. That's it, that's the list.

Anyway, here's to you Crocodile Hunter. You'll be sincerely missed.

Apache

I'm totally stealing this from ESPN.com's Bill Simmons, but this is so good I had to share. Simmons has something called the Unintentional Comedy Scale. This video scored a 119 out of 100 on his scale, and for good reason.

Doings and Goings On

I know you're never supposed to bury the lead, but allow me to say how pleasantly surprised I was to fire up the blog today and find a new post from Meat.Loaf (even if was a bunch of beefcake shots of Mr. Posh Spice). Perhaps Balls on Fire is finally over its post-World Cup hangover.

Having gotten that out of the way, here's the big football news from England:

Carlos Tevez, the young and supremely talented Argentine striker, is finally on his way to the EPL, as has long been anticipated. What no one saw coming, however, is that Tevez will be joining West Ham. West Ham! Not Chelsea or Manchester United or Arsenal, but West Ham! What's more, making the move to the Hammers with Tevez is his Argentine and Corinthians teammate Javier Mascherano. What the hell is going on here? This would be like waking up to find Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez had been traded to the Kansas City Royals.

In other news:

England international Jonathan Woodgate, who many of you fuckers saw play live a few weeks ago for Real Madrid, is making the move to his hometown club, Middlesbrough. Woodgate is undeniably talented, although he falls down and hurts himself more often than my father.

Real Madrid is also rumored to be on the verge of a swap of Brazilian Julio "The Beast" Baptista for Arsenal's unhappy young Spanish forward, Juan Antonio Reyes.

American DaMarcus Beasley is reportedly set to transfer from Dutch side PSV to EPL bottom-feeders Manchester City, where he would be united with Team America ("Fuck Yeah!") captain Claudio Reyna. The two of them can then recount how badly they sucked in Germany this summer.

clap, clap, clap-clap-clap

Hello?

Is anybody out there?

Pathetic

Not a single post on this blog in more than two weeks. I leave this country and it all falls apart. I hate you all so much.

No! I'll Never Believe It

In perhaps the least shocking shocking revelation of all time, Lance Bass of 'N Sync has announced he's gay. Like most people, I just assumed everyone in 'N Sync, the Backstreet Boys and that other boy band with Jessica Simpson's ex-husband was gay. Seemed to be the only explanation. Bass says he kept his sexuality a secret until now to avoid damaging 'N Sync's popularity. Because, in America, apparently there is something wrong with that.

Of course, not all boy bands are made equal. Some kick ass, like Fingerbang.

Gj#dlgo!d&fj*jfkh8sl

Sorry about that muddled headline, but it's hard to type now that my eyes have burst out of my sockets just moments before my entire head exploded across my keyboard and computer screen. Here's what did it (courtesy of, ie. stolen from, the Progress Report):

Sen. James Inhofe (R-OK) is the nation’s most prominent global warming denier. He famously declared that global warming is "the greatest hoax ever perpetrated on the American people." Now he’s taken the argument a step further. In an interview with the Tulsa World, Inhofe compared people who believe global warming is a problem to Nazis: "[He] heaped criticism on what he saw as the strategy used by those on the other side of the debate and offered a historical comparison. ... 'It kind of reminds... I could use the Third Reich, the big lie,' Inhofe said." The "big lie" is a propaganda technique Adolf Hitler attributed to Jews in his book Mein Kampf. It involves telling lies “so colossal” that no one would believe “others could have the impudence to distort the truth so infamously.” Inhofe added that every claim in An Inconvenient Truth “has been refuted scientifically.” He also admitted he’d never seen the movie.

Urge to kill rising ...

my first time was so short, i actually went back in time, Abraham Lincoln was there when i finished

ok, my brother has apparently taken my blogging v-card, as this is my first time. and as with all first times, i'll keep it short. i don't know the rules for this thing or what level of decency i have to adhear to. for as long as i'm hear i'll try to keep you updated on southeast asia, sure to be chock full of ladyboys of varying degrees and seventh grade science classes that i get college credit for. ok, i'm off to eat some mystery meat on a stick.

Ree-al Seattle?

Can it be? Ree-al soccer coming to our fair town August 9th? Undisclosed government sources say, "Maybe."

Those with need for a more immediate fix will have to be content with reliving the world cup finale.

Stay tuned...

So Long, Suckers!

I'm moving to Girls Gone Wild Island. If the television commercials are to be believed, it's an enchanted fantasy land where there are "no rules, no parents and, best of all, no clothes!" I'll send you all a postcard during the break between naked tug-of-war and naked wrestling. No tan lines for me.

To Become a Soccer Fan, Just Add Water

I've been meaning to post this for a few days. On Wednesday, ESPN.com's Bill Simmons, aka "The Sports Guy," wrote a lengthy column explaining how he had decided to become a fan of the English Premier League. Never before much of a soccer fan, the Sports Guy went team-by-team, looking for a side to root for. I won't give away the ending, but, as with all his articles, it's pretty entertaining. And it's a good introduction to the Premier League for anyone else looking to get on board.

Headline of the Day

"Fergie Can Play Dong After December."

Courtesy of ESPN.com. "Fergie" is Manchester United manager Alex "Turd" Ferguson. The "Dong" in question is 21-year-old Dong Fangzhou, a Chinese striker who will qualify for his UK passport in December, thus allowing him to play for the club.

Grist for the Rumor Mill

Some of the possible doings and goings on from the world of soccer:

• Ruud van Nistelrooy looks like he's on his way out of ManU, having agreed to a contract with Real Madrid. This comes as a surprise to absolutely no one, as the Dutch striker had a major imbroglio with skipper Alex "Turd" Ferguson at the end of the EPL season.
• Among ManU's potential targets this summer: Michael Carrick, the Tottenham midfielder who performed reasonably well for England at the World Cup; young Spanish striker Fernando Torres, to fill van Nistelrooy's boots; and, most interestingly, Patrick Viera. Viera was long a United rival while playing for Arsenal. But now that his current club, Juventus, has been dropped down to the depths of Serie B, he is looking for a new home and a return to England seems likely.
• Other players who could end up in the EPL as a result of the Italian match-fixing scandal (according to The Times of London): Pavel Nedved, unless he decides to retire, David Trezeguet, Lilian Thuram, Patrick Vieira, Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Emerson and Robert Kovac.
• Bruce Arena may not be unemployed for long. He is widely rumored to be hired as the next coach of MLS's New York Red Bulls.

UPDATE: Bruce Arena in! As first reported here and nowhere else, Arena has been hired as the head coach of the New York Red Bulls. No word yet on whether Guus Hiddink has been confirmed as the new skipper of the Los Angeles Bacardi & Colas.

Cheaters Sometimes Win?

But only when they are Italian, apparently. This article from the BBC examines some of the major football match-fixing scandals of the past in light of the current Serie A debacle.

As a result of the 2006 scandal, Italian club giants Juventus, Lazio, and Fiorentina were demoted to Serie B, with Juventus likely to stay there for at least two years after a 30-point deduction from next season's total. Juventus were also stripped of their last two league titles. In addition, AC Milan were handed a 15-point deduction, but they remain in Serie A. All four clubs have been banned from European tournament play.

And yet they still won the World Cup. That's the worst.

Meat.Loafian Politics Meets Football

In the politically-minded vein of our very own Meat.Loaf, here's a letter from UN President Kofi Annan that tells us how we might use the World Cup as a model for a better world. Enjoy.

Meet the new boss, same as the old boss

I just started David McCullough's Pulitzer Prize-winning 1776, about the Revolutionary War, and was struck by this paragraph in the first chapter:

Despite the war, or more likely because of it, the King remained popular in the country at large and could count on a a loyal following in Parliament. Political philosophy, patriotism, and a sense of duty comparable to the King's own figured strongly in both houses. So, too, did the immense patronage and public money that were his alone to dispense. And if that were not sufficient, there was the outright bribery that had become standard in a blatanly mercenary system not of his making, but that he readily employed to get his way.

The King's name, I need not remind you, my fellow historians, was George.

BREAKING NEWS: Bruce Arena Out!

Balls on Fire sources deep with the recesses of the United States Soccer Federation (USSF) have confirmed that Coach Bruce Arena's contract will not be renewed when it expires at the end of the year. With Arena out, is Jurgen Klinsman in?

Josh scored a wondrous goal...

...and I'm taking all the credit. First, I intervened to save him from a savage beating, single-handedly fending off 14 opposing players. Then I motivated him by asking if he had left his brain in Germany. Now that's how you get the best out of your players. Here's to me!

We're #16! In your face Denmark!

The first post-World Cup FIFA rankings are out and, as expected, the U.S. took a long overdue tumble. The surprise is not that we fell 11 places, from 5th to 16th, but that we didn't fall further. And the U.S. isn't the only team out of place.

Mexico, despite entering the cup ranked ahead of the U.S., and despite advancing to the second round while the Americans sucked balls, now sits in 18th place, two steps lower than us. Brazil, which stunk in Germany, remained No. 1, ahead of Cup-winner Italy. England's pathetic showing was rewarded with a jump of five spots in the rankings. Ghana, the surprise of the tournament, only moved up to 25th place, below Switzerland, Uruguay and Denmark, among others.

Has FIFA hired a team of monkeys to compile these rankings? And, if so, can it give the monkeys whistles and have them referee instead of the bums we were treated to in the World Cup?

The Magic Word

Italian defender Marco Materazzi has admitted to insulting Zinedine Zidane moments before the French captain lost his mind and head-butted Materazzi to the turf. Materazzi denies calling Zidane, who is Muslim, a "dirty terrorist," as has been widely reported. He will not say, however, what he did call Zizou.

Any guesses?

An American Werewolf in Munich, Part 2

Chapters 1, 2, 3, and 4

München, Deutschland. I know it's been some time since my last post, and you've been worried. Well, never fear, Dear Reader, for this intrepid reporter has managed splendidly in my time abroad. Sorry I haven't been able to tell you all about it.

If there's one thing I can report, it's that things are different here. The language for one (these keyboards are wacky also with their ö and ä and ü keys). The culture for another. For example, Germans care about fussball: they sing songs about their team, gather in great numbers to watch their team, proclaim the greatness of their team, and (key difference here) their team can back them up.

I know some of my readership will appreciate a few of the small, yet telling differences I've observed while in Munich, regarding the World Cup. Most notably, the games are not shown on ESPN2. There are no action-obscuring graphics displayed during the game, period. All lineups are given prior to the action and at once, in formation, without pictures. The time and score are displaying in a small, semi-transparent box in the upper left corner.

Well, of course, the Cup is over, and the villians have won, but i highly recommend the European football scene to anyone. Euro 2008, anyone?

It's not Junk mail!

I just signed up for my Penis Enlargement apparently that will make my female partner happy. But wait I don’t have any female partners right now...... Shit balls!

O Captain! My Captain!

ESPN.com looks at the early favorites to replace Bruce Arena as the US National Team coach.

In other World Cup news:

• Wayne Rooney insists that there was no intent in his groin stomp on Ricardo Carvalho and that he bears no ill will toward Christiano Ronaldo, who taunted him before the game, intervened to demand a red card for the afforementioned nut stamping, then winked to the Portugal bench when Rooney was dismissed.

• German midfielder Torsten Frings has been suspended for the semi-final due to his role in the fracas following the home nation's penalty kick shootout victory over Argentina. Apparently Frings was caught on television throwing a haymaker at Julio Cruz.

• Brazilian defender Roberto Carlos, who did his best impression of a cone on Thierry Henry's game-winning goal, has retired from international competition, joining teammate Juninho Pernambucano.

RoboCup exists!

"RoboCup is an international joint project to promote AI, robotics, and related field. It is an attempt to foster AI and intelligent robotics research by providing a standard problem where wide range of technologies can be integrated and examined. RoboCup chose to use soccer game as a central topic of research, aiming at innovations to be applied for socially significant problems and industries. The ultimate goal of the RoboCup project is By 2050, develop a team of fully autonomous humanoid robots that can win against the human world champion team in soccer."

http://www.robocup.org/

An American Werewolf in Munich, Part 1

Prologue

Chicago. The Windy City. The land of inconsiderate "friends," who hold tux fittings during the Italy vs. Ukraine quarterfinal and marry each other during France vs. Brazil. And expect me to be in the wedding. And not an available DVR in sight.

Well, my (true) friends, this is your newly minted foreign correspondant Bishop MacNamara, reporting to you from Day 3 of my own personal Road to Germany. So far: a whirlwind. Let me give you some telling statistics.

• 1 last minute ticket (re)purchase to Chicago,
• 1 almost missed flight in Pheonix,
• 2 different beds in the Chicago-land area,
• 3 days with 1 shower and 1 change of t-shirt,
  
• 7 hours spent in the company of my traveling companion Kat to date, including
• 1 architectural boat tour on the Chicago River,
  
• 1 awesome quarterfinal seen, 2 to be missed, another yet to be seen,
  

and it's only going to get whirlwindier, I promise you that. Watch this space for the uproarious exploits of yours truly,

Your humble correspondant (almost) on the scene,
Bishop MacNamara

2 Down, 12 To Go

FIFA has announced that it has dropped referees Graham Poll, who gave a Croatian player two yellow cards, then let him hang around long enough to get a third, and Valentin Ivanov, who was at the helm of the Portugal v. Netherlands catastrophe. However, among FIFA's remaining 12 refs, is Markus Merk, who had a public spat with Australian keeper Harry Kewell, then awarded Ghana the phantom penalty against the U.S.

Hold on

I don't know why this is so fantastic, but it is. Trust me. Watch it.

Have You Seen This Man?

WANTED

For crimes against facial hair. If you encounter this man, contact Rudy's Barbershop immediately. Make no attempt to shave him yourself.

The Horror ...

That's What I Said!

I know this is a little stale now, but remember how I was lamenting how no one on the U.S. team would rip a shot and take a chance of making something good happen? Well, it turns out I'm a genius. This is from ESPN.com's Michael Davies:

Let's get a few things straight. The ref, Markus Merk, made a controversial call in awarding the penalty to Ghana at the end of the first half. Other refs, perhaps the majority of them, wouldn't have called it. But that isn't what decided the game, or the USA's World Cup. The most damning statistic of the team is this:

Of all 32 teams in Germany, the U.S. will finish No. 32 in terms of shots on goal with four. The next worse is Trinidad and Tobago with seven. Iran have 19. England, 21. Germany lead the pack with 27.

If you don't have a playmaker, you rarely get good service to the forwards; if forwards fail to get clear-cut chances, they can't shoot on goal; if you can't shoot on goal, you don't score; if you don't score, you don't win; if you don't win, you don't advance.

Portugal 1, Netherlands 0

By the 81st minute, it was just keeper against keeper, with all 20 other players having been sent off. Back and forth, the Dutch and Portuguese netminders punted the ball at each other. Finally, in the 87th minute, Dutch keeper Edwin Van der Sar was red carded for diving when he leapt to stop Portuguese keeper Alexandre Ricardo's punt from going into the net.

When Ricardo stepped up to take the penalty kick facing only an untended net, it seemed like Portugal's victory was assured. Yet, as he stooped to place the ball on the penalty spot, Ricardo was red carded for time wasting. Finally, the referee flipped a nickel to determine the winner. The coin landed on tails (giving Portugal the win) and was promptly red carded, having receiving an earlier yellow for not being a quarter.

Seriously though, what can you say about this game? It was sheer lunancy. From the early minutes, when Holland defender Khalid Boulahrouz viciously speared Portuguese midfielder Christiano Ronaldo in the thigh, this game was out of hand.

The Russian ref, Valentin Ivanov, was clearly out of his depth. Yet the players kept tempting his itchy-trigger finger with dives (Kuyt), headbutts (Figo), intentional hand balls (Costinha), rugby tackles (everyone), flying karate kicks to the chest (not sure who did it, but Arjen Robben was the victim) and everything else you can think of. It all added up to 16 yellow cards and four reds, both World Cup records.

Despite being up a man for large stretches of the match, the Dutch never could equal Portugal's early goal from Maniche in the 23rd minute. And, to make the night even more inexplicable, Dutch coach Marco Van Basten left Ruud van Nistelrooy, one of the world's great goal scorers, on the bench the entire game, as his replacement, Dirk Kuyt, flopped around like a fish out of water. Kuyt looks disturbingly like Anthony Michael Hall, yet displayed less of a finishing touch than the former Brat Packer.

They stunk up the joint yesterday, but I still wish the Netherlands was moving on. FIFA should step in and, for the good of the game, give Holland the spot in the quarterfinals currently occupied by Ukraine, who may be the worst team, most unwatchable team to ever make it this far.

Goal scorers:

Nuno Maniche (23'), Portugal (1-0)

BREAKING NEWS: Josh Bishop Fired Following Jet City Debacle!

U.S. Pretend Soccer Federation President Oliver Klosoff announced this morning that Balls on Fire Coach Josh Bishop has been relieved of his duties, effective immediately. Bishop's firing comes just one day after his team's disappointing 7th place finish in the Jet City tournament.

"We've just decided to go in a new direction," Klosoff told reporters at Monday's press conference. "But we'd all like to thank Josh for his service to the team and wish him well in his future endeavors as a dancer at whichever seedy, roadside strip joint he lands."

Balls on Fire entered the tournament with high expectations. "I thought for sure we would at least get a t-shirt," stopper/dipper Kris Ginthner said. But Bishop's questionable formations and tactics, coupled with the team's at times lackadaisical effort, made for a 1-2-1 record and an early exit.

Bishop's departure was hastened by swirling rumors that various team members, including midfielder Nick Stewart, were seen drinking alcohol on the sidelines during the consolation game. When asked to comment on the alleged drinking, Stewart said, "Der der," before punching a cameraman in the face.

ESPN commentator and LA Galaxy General Manager Alexei Lalas offered this blunt assessment of Balls on Fire's performance, "Thus ends one of the saddest chapters in American sporting history. They should all hang their heads in shame."

England 1, Ecuador 0

The deciding factors in this match were easily:
1) Ashley Cole's formidable tackle, which effectively prevented Carlos Tenorio from scoring an early goal for Ecuador, and
2) David Beckham's unworldly ability to drop the ball perfectly into the back of the net on a set-play, which today allowed him to score the match's only goal for England. Beckham's brilliant shot from 30 yards out made him the first player from England to score a goal in three World Cup tournaments. It also saved the Brits in the tourney. Somewhat miraculously, England now advances to a quarter-final match against Portugal.

Why a miracle? During the entire match England looked lethargic and discombobulated in the heat. Apart from the goal, Beckham of course contributed nothing. Lampard was somewhere out in the ether, missing several opportunities on goal. Gerrard made some minor offensive efforts, yet they were fruitless seeing the lack of cohesion throughout the rest of the team. Since England's midfield failed to coordinate offensively, the lone Rooney was disconnected from the majority of play.

Despite the weaknesses on the English side, Ecuador's heat advantage, and Ecuador's possession of the ball nearly 1/2 of the match, the South Americans just couldn't muster the kind of effort required to capitalize and advance to the next round. All in all, absent Beckham's beauty shot, I think this game was a dud. So farewell Ecuador, and good luck to you England. You're going to need it.

Will Balls show up tomorrow?

I ask you will we make history?

Or will Trickle sleep in after too much fire water?

Will Josh finish his mock SAT test?

Will Jake get off the computer?

Will Joel Bleach his hair?

Will Caleb score a million goals?

Will Stinky bring cupcakes?

Will we will we?????????

Add your remarks here peanut gallery!

Match 3 Scoresheet

The World Cup has shifted into high gear this week as Match 3 plays out for all teams in all groups.

Yikes! Four games a day! The staffers here at Balls on Fire barely have enough time to watch all these games, let alone keep you continously updated with our pithy yet insightful recaps. (Not to mention some games--*cough* U.S., Ghana *cough*--that need no more commentary whatsoever.)

So, in a rare move born of economy of time and word, here are the scores and scorers for the rest of this week's games.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Ivory Coast 3, Serbia & Montenegro 2

Goal scorers:

Nikola Zigic (10'), Serbia & Montenegro (0-1)
Sasa Ilic (20'), Serbia & Montenegro (0-2)
Aruna Dindane (pen 37'), Ivory Coast (1-2)
Dindane (67'), Ivory Coast (2-2)
Bonaventure Kalou (pen 86'), Ivory Coast (3-2)

Netherlands 0, Argentina 0

Goal scorers:

none

Iran 1, Angola 1

Goal scorers:

Amado Flavio (60'), Angola (1-0)
Sohrab Bakhtiarizadeh (76'), Iran (1-1)

Portugal 2, Mexico 1

Goal scorers:

Nuno Maniche (6'), Portugal (1-0)
Sabrosa Simao (pen 24'), Portugal (2-0)
Francisco Fonseca (29'), Mexico (2-1)
Omar Bravo (pen miss 58'), Mexico (2-1)

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Italy 2, Czech Republic 0

Goal scorers:

Marco Materazzi (26'), Italy (1-0)
Filippo Inzaghi (87'), Italy (2-0)

Ghana 2, United States 1

Goal scorers:

Haminu Draman (22'), Ghana (1-0)
Clinton Dempsey (43'), United States (1-1)
Stephen Appiah (pen 45'), Ghana (2-1)

Croatia 2, Australia 2

Goal scorers:

Darijo Srna (3'), Croatia (1-0)
Craig Moore (pen 39'), Australia (1-1)
Nico Kovac (56'), Croatia (2-1)
Harry Kewell (79'), Australia (2-2)

Brazil 4, Japan 1

Goal scorers:

Keiji Tamada (33'), Japan (0-1)
Ronaldo (45'), Brazil (1-1)
Pernambucano Juninho (53'), Brazil (2-1)
Gilberto (59'), Brazil (3-1)
Ronaldo (81'), Brazil (4-1)

Friday, June 23, 2006

Switzerland 2, South Korea 0

Goal scorers:

Philippe Senderos (23'), Switzerland (1-0)
Alexander Frei (77'), Switzerland (2-0)

France 2, Togo 0

Goal scorers:

Patrick Vieira (55'), France (1-0)
Thierry Henry (61'), France (2-0)

Saudi Arabia 0, Spain 1

Goal scorers:

Gutierrez Juanito (36'), Spain (1-0)

Ukraine 1, Tunisia 0

Goal scorers:

Andriy Shevchenko (pen 71'), Ukraine (1-0)

At Long Last!

The Coreys, back together again. From Salon.com:

The same people who brought you "Wife Swap" announced on Wednesday that their next project will bring together those irrepressible but mostly forgotten '80s teen heartthrobs, Corey Haim and Corey Feldman. The show is less reality TV than a "Curb Your Enthusiasm"-type comedy -- as Variety reports, "'The Coreys' picks up with Feldman living the comfortable suburban life with his wife Suzie and son, until circumstances bring his old pal Haim back into the picture. Episodes would follow Haim -- single and the total opposite of Feldman -- as he shakes life up for the Feldmans."

If you don't think this is newsworthy, either you have no soul or were born in 1990 or later.

Ginthner Missing Ingredient

Rumors abound that Balls on Fire man Kris Ginthner is responsible for the United States' men's soccer team's devasting loss to Ghana in the first round of the World Cup today.

Reports placed Ginthner on a plane returning from Mexico late last night, but the enigmatic personality failed to appear at a time of his country's greatest need. Fellow supporters of the USA were let down despite heroic, yet lonely, efforts to keep their team aloft sans Maestro Ginthemistergrandemax.

Only slightly less visible was US captain Landovan Donovan who has reportedly blamed Ginthner for his own disappearing act on the field in Hamburg. "I was worried when Dick and Snake called to say Ginny was a no-show. The thought that something had happened to my dear friend--a motorcycle accident perhaps, marring his perfect features--caused no end to my distraction on the pitch," said Donovan.

The lack of a good Ginthnerizing has resulted in a once promising US team being outed from the World Cup, but we must now put that behind us. The real question now is: Will Houdini Kris reappear? We can only hope, loyal readers.

Ryan Wallace MySpace Stud!

I happen to run across Mr. Wallace's latest post to MySpace and it is fantastic!

"SOCCER tournament come check it out!
Body: I am playing with my soccer team BALLS ON FIRE! come see us make a run to a championship. games are this saturday and sunday. Saturdays games are at 10:15am and 1:15pm both at field ..12. Sunday games are at 9am field ..11, semi's 11:30am field TBD, finals 2:15pm field TBD also i have a semi final game for my mens leauge team on saturday at 8 pm at the star fire complex behind bulwinkles family fun center.

directions to the tournament are as follows: take 405 N take exit NE 124th st, head East on 124th st to Willow Rd right onto Willow Rd then left onto Ne 116th st fields are on the left about a mile you cant miss it.

let me know if you are gonna come we always have a blast hanging out and the weather is supposed to be great so come work on your tan and cheer us on!!!!!!!!!!!!

thanks
Ryan Wallace"

Fuck you Trickle!

I read your mean nasty mean nasty blog and I spit in your general direction swine!

Here is my seat on top of the hill.

soo uhhh yeah

hi. no more ragging on me about not posting.
how much mad skrillz do you guys think jake should pay me to make his lazy, ben and jerrys, frozen waffle, eating ass dinner twice a week? discuss.

Paraguay 2, Trinidad & Tobago 0

Another inconsequential game I didn't watch. But it sounds like the T&T fought gamely. They didn't get a goal in this tournament, but their effort made them crowd favorites. If you want to know more about the game than that, read this recap.

UPDATE: I just watched this game and have nothing to add. Repeat, I have nothing to add. Carry on.

Goal scorers:

Brent Sancho (25' OG), Trinidad & Tobago (1-0)
Nelson Cuevas (86'), Paraguay (2-0)

Germany 3, Ecuador 0

Both these teams had secured advancement to the second round before this game began. That left them with two options: play their best 11 and go for first place in Group A OR rest their players with injuries and cards and take their chances against England in round 2. Germany elected for the former, Ecuador the latter. Thus, the lopsided result. Ecuador treated this game like a training session and got deservedly drubbed.

More interestingly, Miroslav Klose scored two goals, bringing his career World Cup tally to nine. Klose is a poacher. I, for one, can't remember him every scoring a particularly exceptional goal (nothing like Joe Cole's finish today). And, given all his strikes have come in the group stage, you could make the case that he is able to capitalize on the mistakes of weaker defenses, but lacks the creatively to beat the best organized back lines.

Nonetheless, Klose now sits just five goals behind another German, Gerd Mueller, the most prolific scorer in World Cup history. Ronaldo has notched 12 goals, but his current form doesn't suggest many more are to come. It will be interesting to see if Klose is able to add a few more goals this World Cup. Having just turned 28, he likely has another Cup (or two) in him and, if he can stay healthy, looks likely to break Mueller's record.

Goal scorers:

Miroslav Klose (4'), Germany (1-0)
Klose (44'), Germany (2-0)
Lukas Podolski (57'), Germany (3-0)

England 2, Sweden 2

With this tie, England finishes atop Group B and avoids Germany in Round 2. Yay! Too bad the Brits still looked awful shaky at times, lost the win in the 90th minute and, far worse, watched Michael Owen crawl off the field less than a minute into the game. There's no official word yet, but it sure looked like a knee injury that would put Owen out of the tournament.

That leaves England with just three strikers: Peter Crouch, who is big, but limited; Wayne Rooney, who looked better today, but who is not yet in peak form and who hasn't scored in an England jersey in a while and; Theo Walcott, who may be really good, but no one knows because he is totally untested. For a team that has lacked creativity and struggled to score goals already, this is bad news. I predict England beats Ecuador in the next round, then gets bounced in the quarterfinals.

Oh yeah, Joe Cole had an absolutely sickening goal in the first half. Maybe Sven-Goran Eriksson should move him up front with Rooney. Or, give Walcott some run. If he's not good enough to play, he shouldn't be on the roster in the first place.

Sweden, meanwhile, was on the ropes in the first half, but totally turned it around in the second. Only a couple goal-line clearances and the woodwork kept the Swedes from building a big lead. They get the hosts in the next round, which should be a hell of a match.

Goal scorers:

Joe Cole (34'), England (1-0)
Marcus Allback (51'), Sweden (1-0)
Steven Gerrard (85'), England (2-1)
Henrik Larsson (90'), Sweden (2-2)

Poland 2, Costa Rica 1

Yawn. Nothing riding on this game, except maybe the jobs of the two coaches. But I don't care about that. So neither do you. But props to Poland for not getting shut out for a third time.

Goal scorers:

Ronald Gomez (24'), Costa Rica (1-0)
Bartosz Bosacki (33'), Poland (1-1)
Bosacki (66'), Poland (2-1)

Spain 3, Tunisia 1

This was a good test for the Spaniards. After their cakewalk against Ukraine, they found themselves down an early goal to Tunisia. Impressively, Spain never got frantic. Even when the game entered the final 20 minutes, and the Spaniards' dominance had yet to translate into an equalizing goal, they didn't panic and start smashing long balls into the box. They continued to knock the ball around, confident that their superior quality would eventually win out.

And it did, in a big way. Spain got three goals in the final 15 minutes, with important contributions from substitutes Raul and Cesc Fabregas. It was a well deserved win, which puts them in the pole position for first place in Group H. The only problem the Spanish have is deciding who among their surplus of talented attacking options gets the start in their next game.

Goal scorers:

Jaouhar Mnari (8'), Tunisia (1-0)
Raul (72'), Spain (1-1)
Fernando Torres (76'), Spain (2-1)
Torres (90' pen), Spain (3-1)

Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!

This Sunday, get ready for a royal rumble at 60 Acres! Acres! Acres!

It's Balls on Fire's Team of Destiny, Balls on Fire, versus Megan's Team of Pedophiles, Mr. Snappy! Snappy! Snappy!

It'll be 60 minutes of death-defying, electrifying, agonizing, pants-resizing, hypnotizing football action! Action! Action!

Hide the good china! Put the women and children to bed! Because Balls on Fire is going to punch Mr. Snappy right in the babymaker! Babymaker! Babymaker!

Petey the Sexual Harassment Panda

For no reason at all, sing along with me:

“Don’t say that,”
“Don’t touch there,”
“Don’t be nasty,” says the silly bear,
He’s come to tell you what’s right and wrong,
Sexual Harassment Panda!

Ukraine 4, Saudi Arabia 0

What's sloppy, embarrassing and lasts 90 minutes? No, not my lovemaking (that only lasts four minutes). The answer, of course, is this game between Ukraine and Saudi Arabia. Lots of frantic attacking, crappy defending (including a nearly spectacular own goal), even worse goalkeeping and a rain-slicked field made for a wildly entertaining match.

The only thing this game didn't have (besides suspense), was the ubiquitous flurry of quick-draw yellow cards. There were plenty of cards, but they almost all seemed to be well deserved. In fact, one of the yellows English referree Graham Poll handed out was for diving, the first time I've seen that in this World Cup. Makes me wish Poll could do all the remaining games himself.

Ukraine (nickname: "The Black Caucasians") could have won by a much wider margin, but they failed on several occasions in the first half when it came time for the final pass or shot (including one impossible miss from six yards out). I fail to understand how Andriy Shevchenko, as the only world-class player in this game, did not score at least three goals. The Ukranians' second goal, however, was an absolute bomb. The goal-scorer, Serhiy Rebrov, looked more surprised than anyone.

Other highlights included a Saudi defender clearing the ball off the line with his crotch and Mabrouk Zaid, the Amazing Saudi Arabian Goalkeeper With The Hands of Stone. I think Zaid made a poor choice by deciding to wear oven mitts instead of the standard issue keeper gloves. In the Saudis defense, the cold and wet conditions were to the Ukraine's advantage. I think we'll see much better stuff from Saudi Arabia the next time the World Cup is held in Death Valley.

Despite the final score, I don't think either of these teams is very good. I could be wrong about Ukraine, but the lopsided nature of this game seemed more about how much Saudi Arabia blows. But Tunisia is even worse, so Ukraine will in all likelihood advance, along with Spain. Even better for them, the second place finisher in this group plays the winner of Group G, which will be either France, Switzerland or Korea Republic, all of whom look exceedingly beatable.

One final note: throughout the game, the commentators were effusive in their praise for Ukraine manager Oleh Blokhin, both as a player and a coach. But they conveniently forgot to mention this recent comment from Blokhin regarding black players in the Ukraine:

“The more Ukranians who play in the national league, the more examples for the young generation. Let them learn from a Shevchenko or a Blokhin and not from some Zumba-Bumba whom they took off a tree, gave him two bananas and now he plays in the Ukrainian league.”

Goal scorers:

Andriy Rusol (4'), Ukraine (1-0)
Serhiy Rebrov (36'), Ukraine (2-0)
Andriy Shevchenko (46'), Ukraine (3-0)
Maksym Kalinichenko (84'), Ukraine (4-0)

Switzerland 2, Togo 0

Togo got totally hosed when the ref missed a blatant PK call in the first half. How bad has the refereeing been in this tournament? Missed penalties, missed goals and, most of all, a plague of unnecessary yellow and red cards.

The truth, however, is that the Togolese have only themselves to blame as they scuffed some good chances in front of goal. And, down a goal and essentially needing a win to avoid elimination, they still refused to throw caution to the wind and send more players forward. Someone should have told them that goal differential doesn't matter when you're in last place. Where was the urgency? Their suicidal clinging to their original gameplan and stubborn unwillingness to adapt to the reality of the situation reminds me of something...oh yeah, the Bush Administration's war in Iraq. The Swiss got the clincher in the 89th minute regardless.

Togo's legacy in this World Cup, unfortunately, will likely be the drama surrounding the pay dispute. First, the coach quit. Then he returned. Then the players threatened to boycott the game against Switzerland if they didn't get a ludicrous raise to $200,000 per player for the tournament. This for a country where the per capita income is less than $1,000. Nice going, guys.

The Swiss, for their part, are disciplined, precise, calculating. In other words, boring. After grinding out this win, they have four points and sit in a tie atop Group G with Korea Republic. That leaves France in third place with just two points and Togo bringing up the rear. A France win over Togo coupled with a tie between the Swiss and Koreans would leave three teams with five points, all potentially with the same goal differential. Not sure what happens them.

I'll be rooting for France and Korea Republic to win and advance. Not that I have anything against the Swiss people, per se. But their team is dull and one of their defenders looks like Sen. Joseph Lieberman. I'd rather see Zidane in the next round, thank you very much.

Goal scorers:

Alexander Frei (16'), Switzerland (1-0)
Tranquillo Barnetta (89'), Switzerland (2-0)

The Guardian's Take On American Fans at the World Cup

From The Guardian's look at American soccer fans in Germany:

Team USA had spent the two nights preceding the game at the local Ramstein airbase, along with the 55,000 US servicemen and -women stationed there (and possibly a few CIA guests on a brief stopover on their way to being disappeared into some shadowy eastern European prison with a relaxed approach to the Geneva Convention. You don't like to ask). Either way, there was a definite military flavour to Saturday's fixture. "We're representing our country," the US coach Bruce Arena had informed the media in advance. "We know [the soldiers] are watching us and following us." It's always so difficult to remember which results criteria mean the terrorists have won - will the enemies of freedom draw solace from a draw? - but there was certainly noisy jubilation in the streets that America's World Cup hopes had not been snuffed out as many expected.

Read the entire article ...

Japan 0, Croatia 0

I didn't watch this game, so I will leave it up to Josh or Nick to write a more detailed recap if they so choose. But, based on the highlights I saw, here's all you need to know about this match: Japanese keeper Yoshikatsu Kawaguchi made a game-saving stop of penalty kick from Darijo Srna in the 22nd minute. Both of these teams are technically still alive, although Japan would have to beat Brazil to have any shot of moving on. Assuming that doesn't happen (and it won't), Croatia can advance by beating the Aussies.

Goal scorers:

Oh, no they didn't!

UPDATE: I finally watched this game today and I have to give props to Croatia. At the end of the game they were playing with four strikers, going all out for the win. Nice to see, given how lamely some of these teams have gone out (e.g. Togo).

Brazil 2, Australia 0

Another win, another uninspiring performance from Brazil. After having Eric "Honor" Cantona tell us how the Brazilians play with such joy and love and flair, it'd be nice to actually see it. Australia is not a great team (they were terrible for 85 minutes against Japan), but they played the defending champs closer than the scoreline would indicate. Goals came from Adriano, who is an absolute beast, and Fred, just Fred, who may have the best name ever.

It was another weak showing from Ronaldo. His weight is such a dead horse at this point and I won't beat it any further. But it is fair to wonder whether his continued insertion in the starting lineup (ahead of Robinho) is more about trying to get him the World Cup goals scoring record than him being the best available option. Why not bring Ronaldo in as a second half sub and let him put his limited energy reserves to best use? If Spain can bring Raul in off the bench, and Argentina can use Lionel Messi and Carlos Tevez as reserves, then Brazil can do the same with Ronaldo.

The good news for Brazil fans is that their defense, usually where they are most suspect, looked strong today and has yet to concede a goal. Brazil has secured their spot in the next round, but with teams like Argentina and Spain looking formidable, they are going to have to improve if they want to add a 6th trophy to the case.

Goal scorers:

Adriano (49'), Brazil (1-0)
Fred (90'), Brazil (2-0)

France 1, Korea Republic 1

The title probably should read France 2, Korea 1. France was already up 1-0 (their first World Cup goal since the 1998 final) when Patrick Viera had a powerful header swept out of the goal by Korean keeper Lee Woon-Jae. Replays showed the ball crossed the line, but the ref didn't see it. So, tough titties. Would that second goal have clinched the game for the Les Bleus? Possibly. But if there is one team in this tournament that you can guarantee would never quit, it is the Koreans.

No matter, it didn't count and in the second half, Korea took it to the French. They showed the speed and intense workrate that made them the darlings of the 2002 Cup. Finally, with 10 minutes to go, they got the goal the deserved. France now has just two points and faces a must win game versus Togo. Even worse, French maestro Zinedine Zadine received a cheap yellow card in the 85th minute -- his second of the tournament -- which puts him out of the game against Togo. Given that Zizzou has announced his retirement following the World Cup, France needs a win in their next match or we might have seen the last of this singular footballing genius. And that's a loss for fans of any country.

Goal scorers:

Thierry Henry (9'), France (1-0)
Ji-Sung Park (81'), Korea Republic (1-1)

USA 1, Italy 1

After producing the lamest performance this side of Serbia & Montenegro in their opening game, how would the Americans respond against Italy? With an inspired performace that restored their credibility as an up-and-coming soccer power and helped produce the most exciting game of this World Cup!

The Americans looked fired up from the get go, a stark contrast to their sluggishness against the Czech Republic. They moved the ball with pace and tackled with aggression. They had the Italians on the defensive ... until, against the run of play, Italy scored with a flashing header off of a free kick. Would this be a repeat of the Americans' 3-0 loss to the Czechs, in which they folded like a tent after allowing an early goal?

No! The Americans quickly regrouped and continued to press the attack. They finally leveled the match when Italian defender Jeff Agoos, er, I mean, Christian Zaccardo, shinned in an own goal. It was no less than the Americans deserved. Then, just a minute later, Daniele De Rossi was sent off for smashing his elbow into the face of USA forward Brian McBride. It was an ugly incident and it left McBride bloodied. Of course, the match doesn't begin for McBride until he's suffered a massive headwound. Up a man, and dominating the play, it looked like the three points were there for the Americans to take.

Then, disaster. Pablo Mastroeni slid into the ankle of Andrea Pirlo (haha, you have a girls' name) studs first and was sent off. According to some informal polling I did at the bar, 7 out of 10 Americans feel this was too harsh a decision from referee Jorge Larrionda (see Meat.Loaf's post for more on him). I, however, think it was reasonable. Mastroeni's tackle was the kind that break ankles and, given the Americans' superior numbers at that point, was foolish.

Despite being back on the level terms, the Americans continued to look the sharper side. Unfortunately, just minutes after the start of the second half, referee Larrionda, having just received a big cash payoff from Italian goalkeeper Gianluigi Buffon, awarded a second yellow -- and thus subsequent red -- to defender Eddie Pope for a harmless challenge. If Larrionda hadn't screwed us by dismissing Mastroeni, he made up for it by banishing Pope to the locker room.

Now, down to 9, the USA had to change tactics and drop more players into defense. The objective, it seemed, was now a tie and the chance to fight another day. It made for a nervy second half, as the weary Americans bunkered around their penalty box. The Azzuri were able to penetrate the Americans' half without opposition and sent wave after wave of attackers at Uncle Sam's goal. But, this day, the Americans were not to beaten. They bravely repulsed every attack and, when the whistle finally sounded, had earned the draw that would keep them in contention.

Now, if Italy beats the Czech Republic (allow me to go on record and say they will), the Americans can take care of business by beating Ghana. Of course, as we saw from the Ghanaians' win yesterday, that will be no small feat. But, if the USA can muster a repeat performance like this one, it will be on to the second round and look out Brazil.

Goal scorers:

Alberto Gilardino (22'), Italy (1-0)
Christian Zaccardo (27' OG), Italy (1-1)

Ghana 2, Czech Republic 0

A huge game for not just these two teams, but the USA as well. A win by the Czechs and the USA would need to win out and hope for Italy to lose out. A win by Ghana and the Americans still had hope of advancement with only four points. It was a nervous moment, but the Ghanaians wasted little time before serving to ease my fears.

Ghana scored just 90 seconds in and thoroughly dominated the game from then on. They made the Czechs look slow and old, which they are. If not for some poor finishing (including a missed penalty), Ghana could have won by six or seven goals. As it was, they added a second late in the game, at this point playing up a man and getting into the Czech's penalty area with ease.

Many pundits are calling this the biggest upset of the World Cup so far. I disagree. Yes, the Czechs are #2 in the FIFA rankings, but we all know how meaningless those are. And I think their dominant performance against the USA was more to do with the Americans than the Czechs. Ghana, meanwhile, were said to be the best team in Africa. After seeing how good the Ivory Coast is, that's saying something.

Goal scorers:

Asamoah Gyan (2'), Ghana (1-0)
Sulley Muntari (82'), Ghana (2-0)

Portugal 2, Iran 0

Just watched this game, but never really got into it. Kinda like Iran, who seemed to spend much of this match watching Portugal play, never really getting into the game.

Not that Portugal was especially exciting. Christian Ronaldo is quite the fancy-pants, but his first World Cup tally came not as a result of his slick one-on-one play, but rather a penalty earned by Luis Figo. Underwhelming performance, but enough to secure passage for Portugal to the second round and for Iran back home.

Goal scorers:

Anderson Deco (63'), Portugal (1-0)
Cristiano Ronaldo (pen 80'), Portugal (2-0)

Mexico 0, Angola 0

Ummm...didn't watch this. Sounded boring.

Goal scorers:

Cero

Bravo, sir, Bravo!

Before I go to bed, allow me to congratulate Josh on his first art show. My hat is off to you, my good man. So now you know why if he starts wearing tight black pants, chain-smoking and bemoaning the absurdity of our existence with a tired sigh.

Netherlands 2, Ivory Coast 1

I haven't really bought into Group C's rep as the infamous 'Group of Death,' especially since Serbia & Montenergo proved to be a total dud. (Personally, I think Group E has proven more difficult.) But I might be willing to admit that, just maybe, Argentina, Holland, and the Ivory Coast are good enough by themselves to earn their group this dubious honor. And certainly, I am saddened that a team as good as the Ivory Coast must go out in the first round.

The game paralleled many aspects of the Ivorians' previous match with Argentina. Again, the African standouts go down 2-0 before earning back a single goal of their own. And as then, they failed to capitalize as their opponents did. Didier Drogba is a fearsome striker, but so is Ruud Van Nistelroy, and his goal and Van Persie's excellent free kick gave the Netherlands their ticket to Round 2.

Goal scorers:

Robin Van Persie (23'), Netherlands (1-0)
Ruud van Nistelrooy (26'), Netherlands (2-0)
Bakari Kone (38'), Ivory Coast (2-1)

Keepin' it real. Colbert strikes again.

just click here to view the clip.

Argentina 6, Serbia & Montenegro 0

Really the scoreline says it all. If Spain's drubbing of Ukraine was impressive, then Argentina's shellacking of Serbia & Montenegro was 1.5 times so. Sure, S&M mailed it in, but mostly due to the lambasting they were subjected to in this game.

Argentina takes the top of our favorites list here at Balls on Fire with this performance. Featuring one of the best combination goals of the tournament, outside of the aforementioned Spain-Ukraine game, this game also saw the World Cup debut of Lionel Messi. A goal and an assist within 15 minutes, eh? Kid's pretty good for an 18 year-old. Pretty damn incredibly amazing good, him and his team.

(This recap is endorsed by Maradona for President. Of anything.)

Goal scorers:

Maxi Rodriguez (6'), Argentina (1-0)
Esteban Cambiasso (31'), Argentina (2-0)
Maxi Rodriguez (41'), Argentina (3-0)
Hernán Crespo (78'), Argentina (4-0)
Carlos Tevez (84'), Argentina (5-0)
Leo Messi (88'), Argentina (6-0)

Mine Eyes Have Seen the Glory!

So, I was on the Eurosport website, checking out the other colors of Tunits. I was learning towards these two, most likely the white ...


...when I saw the special World Cup Tunits. Nearly every country has their own. There's Australia (yes, that's the Sydney Opera House on the side of the boot) ...

...Italy...

...the Netherlands, which would be totally sweet if they didn't say "Totaal Voetbal" on the back...


...Korea, which are hilarious...

...Sweden, which are ugly as hell, but have a kickass viking helmet on them...

...and I was thinking that I might get the Dutch ones, but then I saw it, the USA Tunit boot, with Uncle Sam in all his glory on the side and a bald eagle and the first few sentences of the Declaration of Independence printed inside the shoe...


...I mean, c'mon, is there anyway I cannot by this boot? I don't even think it's a choice. I feel it is my duty as a patriotic American to possess it. Uncle Sam on my shoes? It's so wonderous I can barely believe it's true. God bless America!

Rumor and Hearsay. I love it.

I heard through the grapevine that the USA/Italy ref, Jorge Larrionda of Uruguay, may be "investigated" for his poor officiating today. However, I can't find anything on the web to verify it. Regardless, you should know that 'ole Jorge has a history of making bad calls, some of which resulted in his prior suspension.

Sweden 1, Paraguay 0

Wowza! What a finish!

Let me tell you a little story about this game. In about the 85th minute, I was complaining to Snake that players often head long crosses from terrible angles rather than across the goal mouth, which is all in all the more dangerous ball. Also around this time, I was exhorting Swedish striker Marcus Allbach, who replaced struggling star Zlatan Ibrahimovic at halftime, to do something with just one of the many chances he was getting in the six-yard box.

Not 5 minutes later, a frantic Sweden acted on my prescient thoughts. Allow me at this point to quote from ESPN Soccernet's post-game report:

Finally, salvation arrived with two minutes left for the Swedes, thanks greatly to substitute Johan Elmander who delivered a peach of a cross to Allback at the far post.

He chose wisely to head back across the six-yard box rather than go for goal himself and there was Ljungberg arriving in the nick of time to direct a header into the net.

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Goal scorers:

Fredrik 'Freddy' Ljungberg (89'), Sweden (1-0)

England 2, Trinidad & Tobago 0

For about an hour after England's defeat of Paraguay, the story in Group B was the hugely hyped but largely uninspired England winning on a lone own goal. That was, however, until tiny and determined T&T drew heavily favored Sweden 0-0.

It looked here as if Trinidad might repeat their previous achievement. England failed to press the advantage of their overwhelmingly talented squad for over 80 minutes. Peter Crouch looked no sharper than a bowling ball, botching wide open chances on several occasions. His striking partner, Michael Owen, buzzed around for the better part of an hour accomplishing nothing. Frank Lampard was prepared to shoot on goal from just about anywhere in the offensive third, without actually shooting the ball on goal.

All's well that ends well for England, though, as the need for a goal and a win finally began to bring the side out of their stupor. Wayne Rooney's appearance also seemed to bolster England, and good late goals from Crouch and Gerrard clinched their spot in the Round of 16.

Ecuador 3, Costa Rica 0

As a course of professional pride, I would like to assert that I saw this game. Ethical concerns, however, force me to admit that I did not. Excitement abounds in Ecuador, I am sure, while sadness reigns in Costa Rica. Once again, a CONCACAF team loses. The US really does need to schedule better competition.

Goal scorers:

Carlos Tenorio (8'), Ecuador (1-0)
Augustin Delgado (54'), Ecuador (2-0)
Ivan Kaviedes (90'), Ecuador (3-0)

Way to go, lads!

ESPN.com writer Michael Davies, who was at the USA v Italy game today:

OK, there was the Miracle on Ice, but name me any other more outstanding underdog clutch performance by a U.S. team in modern history?

An incomparable performance by the national team in the modern era. And listen to those fans. Football just arrived in America I think, the players and fans played and cheered with the true passion of a footballing superpower. The U.S. may not win this World Cup, they may not even qualify for the next round, but this performance continues to lay the groundwork for the future. In fact, watching the performance of those players lifted in communion with their fans, I think they just completed the basement and the first five floors.